The Little Mermaid Student

, , | Right | October 11, 2013

(I am a swimming teacher for mainly children under five. It is after the final lesson of the day. I am standing chatting to the parents. A young girl I have just been teaching walks up to me.)

Young Girl: “Excuse me. What are you doing?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Young Girl: “Why aren’t you in the pool?”

Me: “I don’t have anyone else to teach today. You were my last class.”

Young Girl: “But I thought you lived in the pool. Aren’t you a mermaid, miss?”

(I had to fight back the laughter as this little girl was completely serious, and was horrified to learn I didn’t live in the pool! It’s things like that that make my job worthwhile.)

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How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse, Part 4

| Right | February 22, 2013

Customer: “I’m trying to get on to the computer, but the mouse cursor is just jumping all over the screen erratically. Can I swap to a different one?”

Me: “Of course, if there’s another one free.”

Customer: “But how do I log off this one if I can’t get the mouse cursor to press the button?”

Me: “I’ll come over and sort it in a second.”

(I walk over. Instantly, I see the problem.)

Customer: “Maybe there’s a loose wire or something?”

Me: “Well, if you turn the mouse back the right way round, it should work.”

 

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Don’t Egg On The Eggman

| Right | June 5, 2012

(I am a regular customer at a locally-owned game store. It’s a really nice store, with an in-house arcade and snack bar. We also have weekly gaming and card game tournaments, one of which is going on during the time of this story. I’m browsing a bit, when I overhear this conversation between an employee, who is also my friend, and a customer.)

Employee: “Hi, welcome to [store]. Are you looking for anything in particular?”

Customer: “Yeah, my money back!”

Employee: “I’ll be happy to help you with a return. What item are—”

(The customer slams a copy of Sonic the Hedgehog 2006—a notoriously bad game—onto the counter.)

Customer: “How dare you sell me this piece of s***?!”

Employee: “Sir, please don’t swear at me. Now, would you like cash or store credit?”

Customer: “Give me f***ing cash! This s***hole of a store doesn’t deserve a quality gamer like me to shop here!”

Employee: “Okay, I can give you $5 for this.”

Customer: “FIVE DOLLARS? FIVE F***ING DOLLARS? THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS!”

Employee: “Sir, please calm down.”

Customer: “I PAID FULL PRICE FOR THIS GAME!”

Employee: “Sir, the price sticker is still on here. You paid $10, which is nowhere near the full price.”

Customer: “YOU’RE TRYING TO F***ING RIP ME OFF!”

(The employee motions towards the kids playing a popular trading card game nearby.)

Employee: “Sir, there are children in this store. If you can’t calm down and properly behave, I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

(Suddenly, the customer flings the game to the side. He then goes on a rampage throughout the store, flings merchandise off of the shelves and flips over one of the claw machines in the arcade in his rage. The employee called security and the customer was dragged out, still thrashing and swearing!)

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Zombies Need Contractors Too

| Right | June 20, 2011

(A customer calls and asks about a company that is subcontracted to manage some machinery in the warehouse. I explain it to him.)

Caller: “Oh, so you’re an umbrella corporation, then?”

Me: “Yes, sir, that’s correct. Except we don’t have zombies.”

Caller: “I’m sorry, what?”

Me: “Never mind, sir. Did you have any other questions today?”

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Another Way They Make You Cry

| Working | September 5, 2014

(I am extremely allergic to onions, and, since it is such an unusual allergy, I tend to have problems when I eat out. When ordering takeaways online, in addition to leaving several notes, I always call the restaurant because otherwise there’ll be some type of onion in my meal, and when I complain they’ll sound all confused and say ‘Wait, you meant that type of onion?’ There is only one restaurant that has been so good about it that I’ve stopped calling to double-check, but when I get my order one day I notice that it had green onions throughout.)

Me: “Hi. I’m the girl who just ordered online, with the onion allergy?”

Hostess: “Yes, I took your order back to the kitchen personally and made sure they knew about the allergy.”

Me: “I’m really sorry, but there are green onions in my food.”

Hostess: “Could you hold for one moment?”

(She sets the phone down, but doesn’t mute it. A minute later I hear her explode.)

Hostess: “Of course it counts! It has the word ONION in it!”

(That moment was a vindication of everything I’ve been saying my whole life.)

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