Undeclared 4 Life

| Right | July 7, 2009

(I worked a phone counter during the commencement weekend in May, and this was a conversation between myself and a caller the day before graduation.)

Me: “Hello, Commencement Help, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to know something. Am I graduating tomorrow?”

Me: “Uh… do you mean are you walking?”

Caller: “No, I mean graduating.”

Me: “What’s your major?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “Well… what college are you in?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “…do you know what school this is?”

Caller: “…” *hangs up*

Coworker: *to me* “I bet he was wasted.”

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Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Stuffing

| Right | February 13, 2009

Customer: *ordering stuffing*” I want that container, that one in the middle, yep.”

Me: “Do you want this whole thing full?”

Customer: “Oh god, no. I want a little more than a half… but a little less than a third. Not too much.”

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More Wordplay

| Learning | September 6, 2014

(We are in a sociology class, during a review for an upcoming test. The teacher is quizzing us on the vocabulary term ‘more’ (pronounced mor-ay) which means a set of social customs and morals.)

Teacher: “Does anybody know what a ‘more’ is?”

(I couldn’t resist…)

Me: “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, THAT’S a more!”

Teacher: *laughs loudly*

Students: *groan*

Me: *grinning like an idiot*

(And that was the best moment of my high school education.)

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She Likes Her Coffee Black Belt

| Right | May 15, 2013

(My friend and I head to a coffee shop. When we get there, there’s a customer screaming at the barista.)

Customer: “You useless little s***! How hard is it to make a d*** drink? I’m going to ring your manager; I’m going to complain to head office…”

(He continues making threats. The poor girl behind the counter is pretty much in tears. My friend’s patience runs out.)

My Friend: “Oi, mate! I don’t know what’s going on here, but screaming isn’t helping things.”

Customer: “Mind your own business, b****!

My Friend: “What did you call me?”

(The customer turns back around to my friend. The customer is a pretty big guy, six foot, and fairly wide. My friend is five four, female, and fairly unimposing. He squares up to her.)

Customer: “I called you a b**** who should learn to mind her own business. Now p*** off!”

(The customer shoves her.)

My Friend: “Don’t touch me.”

Customer: “Or what?”

(The customer goes to shove her again. My friend grabs his arm, turning with it, and throws him to the ground hard enough to wind him. She puts her foot over his crotch.)

My Friend: “Or you learn I have a black belt in judo. Apologize to the nice lady now.”

(The customer apologizes, but the police are still called. My friend and I get a free lunch!)

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Put Yourself In Her Wet Shoes

| Right | June 21, 2015

(On this particular day it has been raining really heavily. Unfortunately, the shoes I am wearing have holes in them. Thankfully, my house is only over the road. I text my mum asking her to bring me a spare set of socks to wear. This exchange happens just after my mum drops off my socks. Customer #1 comes to my till as I pull off my first sock.)

Me: *sitting on a stool changing my socks* “I’ll be right with you. I just need to change my socks.”

Customer #1: “Can’t you get dressed properly before starting work? Seriously, this is unacceptable behaviour.”

Me: “Sir, I apologise. I was dressed before I left but the soles of my shoes have holes in them so my socks got wet.  I am changing them as I cannot work with wet socks.”

(Customer #2 has walked over as I say this.)

Customer #1: “What do you mean your feet got wet? There are no puddles in this store. You’re just lazy.”

(I finish changing and start to scan his shopping as he yells about how unacceptable my behaviour is and that I’m lazy. Customer #2 taps the other customer on the shoulder.)

Customer #2: “I was just wondering did you notice how wet it was outside?”

Customer #1: *rolls eyes* “Of course, it’s raining. It would be wet outside.”

Customer #2: “That’s why this young lady had to change her socks. She already explained that her shoes have holes. Or did you think she lives in the shop?”

Customer #1: *goes bright red and doesn’t say anything else*

(I smiled at the second customer and thanked him for being so helpful.)

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