(I run a credit card through and my register can’t read it. I try a few times to be sure. The customer looks concerned, so I feel compelled to explain.)

Me: “It looks like we’re having some issues reading the card. I’ll just enter the numbers manually.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Sometimes cards can be demagnetized or worn. We then have to enter their numbers manually.”

Customer: “Demagnetized?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: *scoffing* “Well, I know my card works!”

Me: “It may have just been demagnetized, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, of course, it was demagnetized! I would make sure it was!”

(The customer remains adamant that her card was demagnetized. She is mistaking the meaning of the word for some sort of card activation. Manually entering the number worked, so I just played along.)

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(I am stacking the oranges, which are next to the shelf of avocados. A very well-dressed woman in her 40s comes over and starts feeling the avocados while talking to herself loudly.)

Customer: “Wouldn’t you just hate to be an avocado?”

(The woman continues feeling up the avocados.)

Customer: “Hmm. You know what? That’s actually my biggest fear. Becoming an avocado.”

(I’m busy cleaning the TV displays in the electronics section when a middle-aged customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Hey, can you tell me where the bottle brushes are?”

Me: “Sure, they’re over in the infants section.”

(I give him instructions on how to get there and even point it out as I’m the only one in my department and cannot leave my post.)

Customer: “I don’t have kids. Just so you know, it’s not for that.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

Customer: “I just need the brush to clean out my bong.”

(I was working in the Specialty shop, which sells Mexican food, two types of sandwiches which are preassembled by chefs, and chicken strips.)

Guest: “What’s on the turkey sandwich?”

Me: *recites the list of ingredients, which includes cheese*

Guest: “Can you make me one without cheese?”

Me: “No, ma’am. These sandwiches come into the shop premade.”

Guest: “I just want you to make me a turkey sandwich with no cheese.”

(This went on for a bit. Finally…)

Me: “Ma’am, we have no sandwich-making materials in this shop. It is not possible for me to give you a turkey sandwich with any different ingredients.”

Guest: “Then what do you do for people who can’t have cheese?”

(I look at the ham and salami sandwich, which does not have cheese. I look at the fryer for the chicken fingers. I look at the shells for the taco salad, which is “Build Your Own” so all ingredients, including cheese, are completely optional. I look next door at the Grill shop, which serves hamburgers and hot dogs, cheese optional. I look at the Pizza shop, which serves items such as spaghetti and tomato soup. Then, I look back at the guest.)

Me: “I do not know.”

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(Our park has a dinosaur-themed section. I am helping a family with directions in a nearby area.)

Customer: “What is there to do in [dino-area]?”

Me: “Well, there are carnival games, a playground for the kids, and there’s the dinosaur ride.”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s a bumpy jeep ride through the dark with dinosaurs attacking you—”

Customer: *in horror* “Real dinosaurs?”

Customer’s Sister: “Think about what you just said, girl. Dinosaurs are extinct!”

(The original customer is looking at me for confirmation, still horrified.)

Me: “No, we don’t have any real dinosaurs.” *joking* “We tried to get some but it didn’t work out. The ones in the ride are robotic.”

Customer: “But do they, like, climb into the cars and attack you?”

Me: *dumbfounded*

(The sister and the rest of the family are doubled over laughing.)

Me: “No! You’re perfectly safe in the car.”

Customer: “I don’t think I want to try that ride!”