(I’m at court filing documents for a client when I overhear a judge’s assistant speaking with a man waiting in the lobby behind me.)

JA: “I’m sorry, sir, but the judge isn’t willing to do anything about the towing costs.”

Defendant: “What?”

JA: “You’re going to have to pay these yourself.”

Defendant: “But… no! He can’t do that!”

JA: “Sir, there’s nothing he can do. He’s already waived all your court costs. The tow is your responsibility.”

Defendant: “But what about me going to jail over not paying these?!”

JA: “You have four outstanding warrants in three states! You were driving on a suspended license! You should have been arrested on the spot!”

Defendant: “But he has to make these go away or I’ll go to jail!”

JA: “Sir, you should BE in jail. We did not make you drive on a suspended license. I called the DMV and you’re even flagged in THEIR system! At some point you have to take responsibility for your actions. I really don’t know how you’re not in jail right now.”

Defendant: “FINE! But I’m still owed a bond by you people!”

JA: “Okay. I can get that to you, but that person is out today. Will you be in town tomorrow to pick it up or would you like me to mail it?”

Defendant: “Nah, I’ll just drive here.”

JA: “… You’ll… drive here? Yourself?”

Defendant: “Yeah, that’s what I said.”

JA: “Sir, could you please take a seat? I’m going to need to grab somebody to come talk to you.”

Defendant: “Finally!”

(The clerk and I, who had been listening in disbelief the entire time, watch as the JA walked over to the bailiff and explained the situation. I left when the handcuffs came out.)

(Two guys walk into our video rental store, find their video, and come up to pay.)

Coworker: “What’s your phone number?”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s [phone number].”

Coworker: “Okay, so, [Customer]?”

Customer’s Friend: “Holy s***, man, he knows your name!” *turns to my coworker* “Dude, what’s my name?!”

Coworker: “…”

Customer: “Dude, I have an account here.”

Customer’s Friend: “Oh. I’m going to go wait in the car…”

(I’m working at a movie theatre when a woman and her son who looks about eight storms outside and up to me at the box office.)

Customer: “I demand my money back for our movie!”

Me: “Okay, no problem. Because it’s been within the first thirty minutes I can refund you the full price. What movie was it that you went to see?”

Customer: “Sin City!”

Me: *begins to refund the two tickets*

Customer: “You know, this is ridiculous. You should have told me that this movie was inappropriate for my child. There’s not even a notice anywhere telling me this!”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “How on earth was I supposed to know that this movie is inappropriate? You really should have told me!”

Me: “Are you serious? The movie is rated 18A, the poster right in front of you has a half-naked lady dancing, AND it’s called SIN City! Did you expect it to be about bunnies and rainbows?”

Customer: *grabs her money and storms off with her son*

(It’s the end of my shift and my co-worker, Co-worker #1, is going to be by herself for the next two hours. This co-worker is a day shift worker, and is infamous for leaving the store in a terrible state for the night staff.)

Co-worker #1: “Oh man, it’s going to get so lonely now and boring. What am I going to do for two hours?”

Me: “You can do plenty of things. Clean and fill the drink fridge, clean the oven and proofer, wash the dishes, do some prep, fill the sauce bottles and sweep the floor.”

Co-worker #1: “Yeah, but I hate doing that.”

Me: “Well, I guess, but it is your job, so you should probably do it. Anyway, I’m off. Catch ya’ later.”

(Two hours later, I get a text message from my other co-worker, Co-worker #2, who has just come in to work the shift after Co-worker #1.)

Co-worker #2:” Dude! [Co-worker #1] left the store in a s*** state. There were heaps of dishes, nothing was filled up, the floor was dirty and there’s no prep done at all.”

Me: “Seriously? How many customers did she serve?”

Co-worker #2: “Between 2pm – 3pm, five customers, and between 3pm – 4pm, three customers.”

(That’s an extremely quiet day for us. I decide to text Co-worker #1.)

Me: “Hey, [Co-worker #1], [Co-worker 2] has just told me you left the store a pig sty for her. Is this true?”

Co-worker #1: “Oh, yeah, so sorry. I was by myself, but it got really busy and I just didn’t know what to do.”

Me: “You served eight customers in two hours. Wow, you really got hammered. And you clearly had no idea what to do after I just told you as I was leaving. And even if you didn’t remember, you didn’t even bother to ask me or anyone else. You probably should know anyway, considering you’ve already been working here for two years.  At least if you’re going to make up an excuse, make it believable and original.”

(I received no reply from her, and the following Tuesday, she quit.)

(I’m a customer, and overhear an elderly gentleman and the hairdresser who is cutting his hair. The gentleman’s wife is present, too.)

Hairdresser: “Do you want me to take off any more on the top of your head?”

Customer: “Yes, yes, go ahead!”

Hairdresser: “All right, but if I cut it any shorter, the hair up there will be standing on end.”

Customer’s wife: “Well, at least something will still be standing erect, then.”