Wake Up And Smell The Fumes

| Right | July 22, 2011

(I’m a public safety officer in charge of the entire campus over the weekend. A large building has been locked, secured, and the key card access has been turned off because the building is being fumigated. I get a call on my work phone.)

Me: “Campus safety, how can I help you?”

Faculty: “Hi, I need to get into [building].”

Me: “Sorry, that building is closed for fumigation.”

Faculty: “I know, I left something in my office that’s really important. I need to go up and get it.”

Me: “I understand, but the entire building is locked up so no one can get in.”

Faculty: “I know, I have been trying to get in. They must have shut off the keycard readers.”

Me: “You’re trying to get in? You can’t sir. The entire building is filled with toxic fumes.”

Faculty: “I know that! I just need to get in real fast and grab something.”

(His office is actually on the 4th floor. Even running and taking the elevator could be a 6-10 minute round trip in poisonous gas.)

Me: “Sir, I can’t let you in. You could become seriously ill from the fumes. I can’t take that responsibility.”

Faculty: “What if I wrote you a note saying it was okay?”

Me: “That likely wouldn’t protect me from much if I let you in and you collapse. Then I would have to go in and get you and compromise my health and safety.”

Faculty: “But you’re Campus Safety! Isn’t it your job to do that?”

Me: “I’m ensuring your safety by not letting you in a poison-filled death trap.”

Faculty: “Fine, then!” *hangs up*

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You Reap What You Soy

| Right | September 6, 2013

(I’m a regular customer standing in line at my favorite coffee shop. It’s a busy morning, and the very friendly barista I know is flying through orders. Customer #1 is ahead of me waiting.)

Barista: “I have a large latte for [Customer #1].”

Customer #1: “Is that soy? I asked for soy.”

Barista: “Oh no, it’s not. I apologize; the cup was not marked properly. I’m glad you checked.”

Customer #1: “I have a severe dairy allergy. It was supposed to be soy.”

Barista: “Well I do apologize; I’ll start another right away. We always say ‘soy’ when the coffee contains soy, so thanks for checking.”

Customer #1: “I don’t need your attitude!”

Barista: “I did not mean to give you any attitude, ma’am. Again I apologize. In fact, I have a diary allergy myself, so I understand. Here’s your tall latte with soy.”

(I can tell that everyone around me is feeling uncomfortable witnessing Customer #1’s bad behavior. She starts to leave with her coffee, and turns to Customer #2.)

Customer #1: “What a b****!”

Customer #2: “You sure act like one!”

(At this, the remainder of the customers shout statements of agreement.)

Remainder Of Customers: “Yeah! Way to be a nasty person over a little mistake! Poor girl is just doing her job, and she’s hustling through it too! I would never want to have to put up with you! You really ought to be nicer to people who serve you your food!”

(Customer #1 practically runs from the store. It gives me a little more faith in humanity!)

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Must Be A Missed Steak

, , , | Right | July 2, 2010

Customer: “Oh, you have new pastries! They look great!”

Me: “Those are our new vegan baked goods. They’re also organic.”

Customer: “Ew! I never eat anything vegan!”

Me: “I doubt that. A lot of stuff is vegan. French fries are vegan.”

Customer: *looking mortified* “There’s no meat in French fries?!”

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An Internal Decision

| Working | July 24, 2014

(The manager in our store usually works the shop floor on weekends when we’re busy as if she were a normal staff member. It’s worth noting that she is always running around, never standing still. She comes into the lab where I am sorting orders, stops still, and smiles at me.)

Manager: “You know sometimes you get really mean, rude, horrible patients?”

Me: “Yep, all the time.”

Manager: “Well, the one I’m with is as bad as I’ve ever seen. She waited for five minutes to get her glasses, and so now she wants something for free.”

Me: *confused* “Well then, what are you doing in here?”

Manager: “I told her I’d ask the manager.” *giggles* “I think I’m going to say no!”

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Failed Across The Board-ing

, | Right | November 9, 2012

(I recently started working at a restaurant in my local airport. We serve passengers waiting to board their flights. As a rule, we tell all of our customers how long their food will take so that they don’t risk missing their flight or not receiving their food in time to board. I am visibly pregnant.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Can I get a cheeseburger combo from the grill?”

Me: “Sure! Just so you know, they usually take about 10-15 minutes to make. Is that alright?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s fine…”

(I give the woman her total, cash out the transaction, and she goes to her boarding area. After about five minutes, she returns.)

Customer: “Where the f*** is my burger?!”

Me: “Ma’am, as I said before, they take anywhere from 10-15 minutes to make. I can go check and see how much longer it will be for you.”

Customer: “Bulls***! You didn’t tell me that! My plane is boarding! I’m going to miss my flight!”

Me: “Hold on one second, ma’am and I’ll go check.”

Customer: “No, f*** that! I want a manager and a refund!”

(I fetch my manager.)

Customer: “I want this pregnant s*** fired! She didn’t tell me that the food would take this long! How could you even hire someone like that? I don’t want some knocked up s*** taking my order!”

Manager: “Ma’am, you are entitled to a refund. However, you are not entitled to insult my cashier and disturb the other customers. Also, I don’t doubt that my cashier told you how long the food would take. I’m betting you didn’t notice her saying it. Just like you didn’t notice that she is wearing a wedding band excluding her from your s*** comment, didn’t notice that your food has been sitting on the hot tray for a full two minutes while you berated my employee, and didn’t notice that your flight is not boarding. The flight boarding is for uniformed military only.”

Customer:*stammers, takes her burger, and goes back to her boarding area in silence*

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