If There Is A God, He Obviously Owns A Dog

, , | | Right | April 16, 2009

(Note: this takes place during the middle of a bad rainstorm.)

Customer: “Hi, I wanted to start bringing my dog here but I wanted to make sure that the animals get a lot of exercise.”

Me: “Oh, we just have them in rotations to run on a treadmill. You see, they help to generate power for our building. I think we have Sandy, a cute little chihuahua going right now.”

Customer: “You’re joking, right?”

Me: “Haha, yeah.”

(Moments later, my coworker comes in from the back.)

Coworker: “Hey, Sandy’s loose again. Have you seen the pop-up fence?”

(As if on cue, the storm knocks out power to the building right then and there.)

Customer: “Oh, my god! I’m calling Animal Services and reporting you all!”

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For Goodness’ Psych

, | NYC, NY, USA | Learning | May 3, 2013

Student: “Can I have… a turkey sandwich?”

Cashier: “No turkey, sorry.”

Student: “Okay, can I have… spicy chicken?”

Cashier: “No spicy chicken. We only—”

Student: “Can I have… tuna fish?”

Cashier: “No tuna. We—”

Student: “Okay, ham sandwich.”

Cashier: “No ham!”

Student: “What DO you have?”

Cashier: “A broken freezer and a thousand dollars of spoiled meat.”

(Long pause.)

Student: “Can I have a grilled cheese sandwich?”

Cashier: “Yes!”

Professor: *comes up next in line* “Can I have… spicy chicken?”

Cashier: “No chicken. No turkey. One of the freezers—”

Professor: “Oh… I just listened to that whole conversation, didn’t I?”

(He excuses himself from the line. A few minutes later he returns with a banner that had previously hung in a psych building that said “LEARNING STARTS WITH OBSERVING THOSE AROUND YOU.”)

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It’s Probably Not Flushable Anymore

, , | | Right | April 21, 2009

Me: “Hello, how can I help?”

Customer: “Hi, I need to know something very important, very quickly.”

Me: “I’d be happy to help. What’s the problem?”

Customer: “Is your toilet paper… is it flushable? Like, can I flush it down the toilet?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure if it’s toilet paper it’s flushable, yes.”

Customer: “Well [Brand] says it’s flushable but your brand doesn’t say that anywhere on it.”

Me: “I think it’s assumed that toilet roll is flushable. What’s the alternative?”

Customer: “Well, okay. Since I wasn’t sure, I’ve just been letting it sit in the bowl…”

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Now We Know Why Katniss Wants To Kick A**

| Pennsylvania, USA | Right | March 21, 2012

Teenage customer: “I’d like to return The Hunger Games.”

(Note that she had just purchased The Hunger Games a few minutes ago. As is customary, I ask if there’s anything wrong.)

Me: “I’ll be happy to return this for you. Were you not happy with it?”

Teenage customer: “Oh, I just changed my mind. I thought of something better that I wanted.”

Me: “Oh, what’s that?”

Teenage customer:Twilight!”

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On A Maturity Diet

| Sparta, WI, USA | Right | June 3, 2015

(Two customers approach my register one night with some two-liter bottles of Coke, some tubes of Mentos and other assorted snacks. I begin ringing them up.)

Customer #1: “Don’t worry; we’re not gonna go do the Coke and Mentos thing.”

Customer #2: “Yeah, that’s not what we’re going to go do.”

Me: “Well, I figured as much. You’d want the diet for that to work.”

(The customers trade a glance.)

Customer #1: “Really?”

Me: “Yup. It’s the artificial sweetener that helps speed the reaction.”

(The customers trade a second glance.)

Customer #2: “Mind if we go switch these out for diet?”

Me: “They’re the same price; go for it.”

Customer #1: “Thanks.”

(They exchange the bottles and as they’re headed out the door…)

Customer #1: “And we’re totally not gonna do the Diet Coke and Mentos thing!”

(The kicker? They were in their late 30’s at the youngest, judging by their salt-and-pepper beard stubble.)

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