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Don’t Mess With Family (Business)

, , , , , , , | Working | October 13, 2017

(My wife and I have owned a café a few blocks from our house for over a year. I suck at cooking, so 90% of the time I’m a stay-at-home dad to our two-year-old, while my wife is at the café nigh on constantly. I do help out from time to time, and I’ve met most of the employees. I decide to bring our daughter in for lunch one day, since she’s been begging for mummy since she woke up.)

Me: *talking to new employee I’d never seen before* “Hi, is [Wife] in? I’d like to speak to her.”

New Employee: *rolls eyes and sighs* “I don’t know.”

Me: “Could you please find out?”

New Employee: *sighs again* “I can get the boss for you, but I don’t know who [Wife] is.”

Me: “[Wife] is the boss.”

New Employee: *snorts* “No, she isn’t. You’ve been lied to, mate.”

Me: *getting pretty angry at this point about how rude this girl is* “Just get the boss, then.”

New Employee: “Fine, if you’re going to be rude about it!”

(She stalks off. My daughter climbs up onto one of the chairs and sits at the table, pretending to read the menu and excitedly telling anyone who walks past, “SEE MY MUMMY!”)

New Employee: *stalks back over* “He’s coming. Could you control your kid, please? She’s bothering the other customers.”

Me: “She’s not hurting anyone.”

New Employee: “Ugh, whatever.”

(She flounces off to serve someone. A very frazzled looking [Brother-In-Law] comes out of the office and sees me.)

Brother-In-Law: “Oh, it’s just you! I thought it was another bloody complaint about her. [Wife] will be back in a bit; she just ran to get the milk order. Hey there, [Daughter]!”

(My daughter grins and giggles at the sight of her uncle, and in her excitement, knocks over her sippy cup she’d brought with her. It’s spill-proof, so it just falls to the floor and rolls under the table.)

Daughter: “Uh-oh! Sorry, Daddy!”

Me: “That’s fine, sweetie.”

(Before I can get over there, the new employee storms over, picks up the sippy cup, and SLAMS it onto the table, narrowly missing my daughter’s hand. The sudden noise and the girl’s angry face scares my daughter, who begins to cry.)

Brother-In-Law: “Hey! What the h***?!”

New Employee: “She’s been running around wrecking the place since he walked in, demanding to see some lady. He can’t control his kid, and he’s obviously picked up with some woman who lied about being the boss here to seem important.”

Me: “I asked to see [Wife] and she has been nothing but rude. Should I tell her or should you?”

(My brother-in-law has picked up my daughter and is cuddling her, trying to stop her from crying.)

Brother-In-Law: “[New Employee], [Wife] is the boss.”

New Employee: “No, she isn’t. [Supervisor who happens to be my sister-in-law] said some married couple owned the place. She’s not married; she doesn’t wear a ring.”

Me: “She doesn’t wear a ring because when she cooks it tears the gloves. It’s on a necklace instead.”

New Employee: “Ugh, whatever. Could you just stay out of this?”

Me: “Here, take a look at my license.”

(I hand her my wallet, and she flips it open and looks at my license. I’ve never seen someone go so pale so quickly as this employee when she looks at my surname — the name of the d*** café.)

Me: *to [Brother-In-Law]* “Has she had her warnings?”

Brother-In-Law: *grins* “Two, in writing. [Wife] wanted to give her one last chance.”

Me: “I’d say she’s used that.” *to her* “You’re fired.”

New Employee: *stammering* “You can’t do that! You’re not the boss! I’m sorry! I won’t do it again!”

Wife: *who has apparently been standing quietly in the office doorway for a few minutes and has heard enough* “I am definitely the boss, and you are definitely fired.”

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Got Them By Hook Or By Crook

, , , , | Working | April 29, 2014

(New starters are often sent on fools’ errands as a method of hazing: shopping for tartan paint, rubber nails etc. If you were smart, you wouldn’t fall for it. If you were smarter, you would pretend to go along with it and instead have a coffee break. My coworker was neither.)

Maintenance Team Leader: “[Coworker], can you go to the stores and pick up some skyhooks. DO NOT leave without at least a half dozen.”

(My coworker goes off.)

Me: “‘Skyhooks’? I haven’t heard of that one before.”

Maintenance Team Leader: *looking smug* “Oh, hooks that hold up the sky. He might struggle to find them…”

Me: “Poor sod. They will probably go along with it as well.”

(An hour passes, and my coworker comes back,. The maintenance guys look thrilled that they have fooled another one.)

Coworker: “They didn’t have any skyhooks in stock… so they had to order them.”

(Quiet laughter can be heard.)

Coworker: “They were £300 each, but I assured them that you had to have them.”

(Smiles turn to confusion, which turn to concern.)

Maintenance Team Leader: “What did you order? Exactly?”

Coworker: “Skyhooks. They are for the conveyor, apparently.”

(The team leader rushes off without another word. It turns out the mythical ‘skyhooks,’ are also a term for a rather expensive piece of equipment. The order was stopped and all fools’ errands were stopped along with it.)


This story is part of the Pranks roundup!

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A Cent-less Argument

, | Working | July 19, 2014

(I am the next customer in line while this happens. The customer in front of me is a mother, with three kids in tow.)

Cashier: Your total is $17.08

(The customer rummages through her purse, pulls out bills as well as change, and begins to count the change out on the counter for the cashier, who sighs loudly and just generally looks annoyed.)

Customer: “I’m eight cents short.”

Cashier: “And what do you want me to do about it? You got any change in the car?”

Customer: *hangs head down* “Yes. Let me go look.”

(The customer goes out the car for at least two or three minutes.)

Customer: “I only have four cents.”

Cashier: “Well, I’m not having my drawer be short. You need to find the four cents or else you need to put something back.”

Me: *takes a dollar bill out of my pocket, hands it to the cashier* “Just take it out of this.”

(The cashier rolls her eyes and finishes the transaction, puts the change near her, and proceeds to ring up my transaction.)

Me: “Just keep the change. You obviously need it more than me. You wouldn’t let your drawer be four cents short and you didn’t even attempt to give the change back.”

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F*** The Benefits, We Want Combat Pay

, , | Right | February 22, 2008

(We have this awful woman who regularly shops at our store. One day we were extremely busy and a coworker of mine is struggling to fit shoes for three children.)

Mean Lady: “Bring me this size!”

Coworker: *disappears out back for a few seconds* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it appears we’ve sold our last pair.”

Mean lady: *throws shoebox at coworker’s head, hitting her squarely in the forehead*

Coworker: “Ouch…”

Mean Lady: “I hate you!”


This story is part of the Customers-Overreacting roundup!

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This story is part of our Need For Hazard Pay roundup!

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This Employee Is Beyond Help

| Working | April 5, 2013

(Note: I am female and drive a car that has seen better days. It currently has a very slow water leak and occasionally overheats as a result. I have stopped at a convenient restaurant parking lot to let it cool before opening the radiator cap. This occurs just after I’ve come back outside after buying a drink.)

Female Employee: “I saw you open your car hood! You must need help.”

Me: “No ma’am, I’m just letting it cool before I fix the problem.”

Female Employee: “No dear, it’s no problem really! You just need a man to help you fix it; let me go get [male employee]!”

Me: “No, really—”

(She turns and briskly walks to the door to the kitchen and shouts for her coworker. He comes out a few moments later.)

Male Employee: “What’s the problem?”

Female Employee: “This woman’s car broke down and she needs help.”

Me: “Ma’am, excuse my rudeness, but I do not need help. I only came inside to get a drink while I wait for my car to cool down enough to safely remove the radiator cap. I have a canister of water and have had to do this before; I am completely capable of taking care of such a minor inconvenience.”

(The male employee looks at me, then back to the female employee and just shakes his head.)

Male Employee: “I’m clearly not needed here.”

Female Employee: “But she’s a woman! You have to help her with—”

Male Employee: “No, I do not need to help someone who is capable of helping themselves. Don’t call me out here for something like this again. Try listening to the customer next time before assuming that she needs help just because she lacks a penis.”

Me: *quietly* “Thank you!”

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