Love Isn’t As Priceless As It Used To Be

, , , , , , | Right | March 2, 2010

(I work in a toy store where customers can custom-build their own stuffed animals. A father and young daughter approach.)

Me: “Welcome to [Toy Store]. Have you picked out an animal to be stuffed today?”

Little Girl: “Yes!”

(We proceed to stuff the bear and the little girl grabs one of the ‘push to talk’ buttons and hands it to me.)

Me: “Okay, you want to get the ‘I love you’ button put in today?”

Father: “Hold on a second. Baby, what’s this thing?”

Little Girl: “He puts it in the bear for me and when you push it, it says ‘I love you’!”

Father: “How much does this thing cost?”

Me: “Five dollars, sir.”

Father: “S***! For five dollars, baby, I’ll tell you I love you! Go put that thing back.”

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Ben There, Done That

| Right | April 19, 2011

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, ma’am. My name is Ben. I’m calling to tell you about our special offer that–”

Customer: “Who is this?”

Me: “Ben, ma’am.”

Customer: “Ben? Hey, everyone, Ben is on the phone. Ben, are you still having dinner with us tonight?”

Me: “I think you mean a different Ben, ma’am. I’m a telemarketer.”

Customer: “So you’re not in California?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’m in Oklahoma.”

Customer: “Well, okay. I’ve got to keep the line clear for the right Ben.”

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Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 7

| Right | April 11, 2013

(I am helping a customer who’s having an issue with his iPhone’s touch screen.)

Me: “Okay, sir, what I’m going to try is a soft reboot. That usually fixes these issues.”

(Another customer, who has been standing behind me, suddenly turns around.)

Customer: “What? Ah h*** no! Let me have a look at that, ma’am.”

(He suddenly rips the phone out of my hands.)

Me: “Sir, please hand that back!”

Customer: “All you have to do is just take the battery out, like so…”

(He attempts to pry the casing off the back of the phone. Unfortunately on an iPhone, the battery cannot be removed that way, so he just ends up struggling fruitlessly with it for several seconds.)

Me: “Sir, please can I just try—”

Customer: “Butt out! Let’s see if this works…”

(He jabs frantically at the screen, violently shakes the phone, then finally throws it on the floor, breaking the screen.)

Customer: “Yeah, the d*** thing is FUBAR. You’re out of luck, buddy.”

(He walks out.)

Me: “Did that really just happen?”

(Mercifully, my original customer has insurance, so we are able to get him a replacement phone.)


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Touched By Her Touch

| Romantic | August 20, 2013

(Due to a surgery I had several years ago, I have a very long scar on my stomach. It really embarrasses me, especially when people freak out when they see it. I have been preparing my girlfriend for a few days to help work up my courage.)

Girlfriend: “So that’s your scar, huh?”

Me: “Yeah… It’s pretty gross.”

Girlfriend: “I think you mean awesome! Is it sensitive? Can I touch it?”

(My girlfriend runs her fingers along the scar gently as she giggles.)

Girlfriend: “This is so neat! I don’t have any cool scars or anything. It goes right around your belly button too. Why were you so nervous about this? It’s totally cool!”

Me: “Honestly, I have no idea…”

Girlfriend: “Are you kidding?! It looks like you were mauled by a polar bear and lived!”

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A Sign That Tells The Future Is A Sign

, , , , | Right | October 7, 2010

(A customer comes in and orders two large pizzas and tries to pay with a $100 bill.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but we can’t provide more than $20 in change.”

Customer: “What? Why not?”

Me: “It’s our policy.”

Customer: “Then you should have a sign up telling people that!”

Me: “Well, sir, if you look to your right you’ll see just such a sign.”

Customer: “You should have a sign that tells people before they get here!”

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