Please Press Option One For Insanity

(I am calling the main USPS help line about an issue with a package that I shipped to myself cross-country. Naturally, the call is answered by a recording.)

Recording: “Hello. Thank you for calling the United States Postal Service. Please state clearly how I might help you today. You can say things like ‘hold mail,’ ‘check on a delivery,’ or ‘transfer address.’”

Me: “Customer service.”

Recording: “Are you sure? The lines are currently busy and most issues can be resolved through automatic assistance. Now, how I can help you today? You can say things like—”

Me: “Customer service.”

Recording: “Are you sure? The lines are currently busy and most issues can be resolved through automatic assistance. Now, how I can help you today?”

Me: *getting exasperated and a little hysterical* “You can’t, Siri. You really can’t. I need a person.”

Recording: “Are you sure? The lines are currently busy and most issues can be resolved through automatic—”

Me: “Half of the books in my package have been replaced with cans of sardines!”

Recording: *pause* “…All right. Please hold while I connect you to customer service.”