Perfect Portrait Of A Substitute Teacher

(I’m in eighth grade. At our school, everyone has a free period that lasts about half an hour. During this time, you can have a study hall period or join a club. I join an art club. I walk into the room and see an older male sub sitting at the teacher’s desk. We all settle down and wait for instruction.)

Substitute Teacher: *being totally serious* “So, [Regular Teacher] is out today, in case you couldn’t tell. I am not [Regular Teacher], because she is a young, married lady. I am not any of those things.”

(My friends and I are looking at each other and trying not to laugh.)

Substitute Teacher: *still being serious* “She didn’t leave any plans, and I don’t feel like thinking, so you can have a study hall. Do homework, play computer games, nap, meditate…”

(By now, the whole class is giggling. We try to hide it to be respectful.)

Substitute Teacher: *still serious* “I don’t have roll paper thingy for you guys, so I’m going to pass around a sheet of paper. Please keep the paper in portrait form. Write your names in a list, each one parallel to the prior one. Some people may drop the paper. In this case, the top may become the bottom and the bottom may become the top. If this happens, carefully proceed to pick up the sheet of paper and continue writing your name under everyone else’s. If you drop the paper, it may also flip from portrait to landscape. If this happens, make sure you return the paper to its original position before continuing to write your name.”

Me: “We’re in eighth grade! We should know how to write our names in a list and pick up a sheet of paper by now.”

Substitute Teacher: *flustered* “Well, I didn’t have a good childhood, and I didn’t know, so there’s no need to be disrespectful, young lady.”

(He proceeded to pass around the paper and then meditated throughout the class. My friends and I were laughing so hard. That’s probably the best encounter I’ve ever had with a sub.)