Pepperoni Extremism

(I’ve just finished giving a guy his pizza when he notices my car in the driveway. It is 2009.)

Customer: “That your car?”

Me: “Yes, it is. You like it?”

Customer: “Yeah! Mind if I go look at it?”

Me: “Sure. I’ll show you around it.”

(We get there and he studies the decals in my window. I have an “Obama ’08” button on the back of my headrest.)

Customer: *gasps* “Are you a terrorist?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Don’t play dumb with me! You’re a terrorist!”

Me: “What are you talking about?!”

Customer: “You’re a terrorist and you voted for a terrorist for president!”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you that our president is not a terrorist.”

Customer: “But he is! He’s not American! He’s an illegal immigrant!”

Me: “Sir, why would we have an illegal immigrant terrorist as president if the government were on his side?”

Customer: *gasps again* “You’re right! Everyone’s a terrorist!”

Me: “No, no, no! They’re not terrorists!”

Customer: “You’re on their side?! Don’t kill me!”

Me: *giving up* “Yes, I’m a terrorist.”

(The customer screamed and ran inside. A few moments later, the pizza fell out of a second-story window.)