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Pennsyltucky: The Movie

, , , , | Right | May 6, 2019

(I work in a movie theater. It’s about 6:15. A family has walked in who I can only describe as being the definition of the slang term “Pennsyltucky.” They are in head-to-toe camouflage, they look generally unwashed and unbathed, they have a weird Southern twang to their voices, and they just seem generally aloof and befuddled. It’s a very slow night, so I’m pulling double-duty on both box office and concession while my coworker is on break. The family wanders up to the box office.)

Me: “Hey, how can I help you tonight?”

Father: “Six tickets for [Movie] at six.”

Me: “Unfortunately, the only times for [Movie] are at five-thirty and nine tonight. Would you like me to put those in for the nine pm show time?”

Mother: “What?! But Google says that the time is at six!”

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t advertise through Google. It’s usually best to check Fandango or our corporate website for show times.”

Father: *pulls out a cell phone and practically thrusts the screen in my face* “Here! You start the movie at six! Look! Start the d*** movie on time!”

Me: *glancing at screen* “Sir, again, I apologize and I understand your frustration, but we don’t advertise through Google. We have no control over what comes up if you search them for show times.”

Father: *scoffs* “But Google says six!”

Me: “Sir, your screen shows six is the show time at [Other Local Theater].”

Father: “Ugh. Six for the five-thirty, then!”

(I sell him the tickets and even knock a few dollars off to try and calm the situation down. I also warn him that the movie is likely about twenty-five minutes in already. I watch as, rather than going into the theater, they all instead go outside the front doors and smoke cigarettes for almost five minutes. I alert my manager that several of the kids are clearly young teens and thus underage, but my manager just tells me to let it go. They eventually come back in and proceed to concession, where I greet them again.)

Mother: *to her family* “What do you want?”

Child#1: “Large popcorn and soda!”

Child#2: “Nachos and a slushy!”

Child#3: “Hot dogs!”

Child#4: “Popcorn!”

(She ends up putting in an order that totals to well over $50.)

Me: “That’ll be [total].”

Mother: “Sure.”

(Out of nowhere, she pulls out a wad of $50 bills, dropping several and not picking them up, and throws a handful of them at me, and eventually one of her kids ends up grabbing the money she dropped and pocketing it. Suddenly, the father returns.)

Father: “Your rock stupid soda machines only have water?!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Father: “I pressed Coke, Sprite, Dr. Pepper… and they are all water!”

(I grab some extra cups and rush over to the machines, worried they’ve broken down. I test each machine… all are functioning fine.)

Me: “Sir, the machines seem to be working.”

Father: “Don’t lie to me! When I pressed the button, the machines looked like they were dispensing water with brown stuff mixing in!”

Me: “Well… sir… that’s how soda fountains work. They dispense the syrup and carbonated water at the same time.”

Father: “Soda is not water!”

Me: “Sir… all of our soda has carbonated water in it.”

Father: “I’m not drinking water! I wanted Coke!”

Me: “Sir, this is Coke.”

Father: “SODA AIN’T WATER!”

(He storms off with his family, all murmuring in agreement and saying how “stupid” and what an “idiot” I am before they run back up to me.)

Father: “That weird guy at the front didn’t give me my ticket stubs! What theater is my movie in?”

(I’m taken aback as he clearly isn’t joking or trying to insult me. He legitimately doesn’t seem to realize I am the guy who sold him the tickets. I also did, indeed, give him the ticket stubs and he thrust them into his pocket.)

Me: “I’m pretty sure I gave you your stubs and they’re in your pocket, but the theater is #3, on your left.”

Father: *confused* “What?”

Me: “Just take your first left.”

Father: *grunting in agreement* “Ugh.”

(The family waddled off. By this point, there were only about 60 minutes left in their movie. I counted, and no less than SIX TIMES did they come back out to smoke cigarettes out front, always with their underaged kids smoking right along with them, and each time taking close to five minutes. So, they came in and spent close to $100 to see about a half-hour of a movie, all while casually dropping $50 bills and not bothering to pick them up, claiming that soda doesn’t contain carbonated water, smoking with underaged kids, and just generally being a nuisance. Gotta love “Pennsyltucky.”)

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