Pee, You Fools!

(I am working at a two-story pharmacy in the center of town; I am dreading Halloween. The tradition is that all of the college kids and many of the year-round residents converge on the one-block “downtown” area. Last year, it was approximated that there were 80,000 people crammed into that small strip. The pharmacy I work in has a restroom on the basement floor, which we decide to close off very early since we have hundreds of people coming through just looking to… recycle beer. I am tasked with guarding the stairwell, making sure people don’t go down to trash the restrooms, and I swear, I could make over $1,000 if I took the bribes offered me to let people downstairs. Bribes, offers of being flashed, threats… none of those ever work, and everyone walks away disappointed. There is this one trio, dressed as characters from Lord of the Rings, who offer me $50:)

Me: “Nope, sorry.”

Arwen: “What about $100?”

Me: “Nope.”

Gollum: “C’mon, man. We really gotta pee!”

Me: “Ssssorry, precioussss, we can’t letssss you down!”

Gandalf: “Really, bro, it’ll only be a minute, and then we’ll be gone!”

Me: “Look, man, I’ll only say this once…” *grabbing Gandalf’s staff from him* “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

(They laughed, nodded, shook my hand, and left. I won’t mention the things we found in the restrooms when we finally went down to clean, but I’m glad we only had them open for one hour.)

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