Parental Misguidance, Part 2

(I am 16. I’d just gotten home from a two-day fishing trip with my best friend. I find my stack of adult magazines that I thought I’d hidden pretty well sitting on my bed. There’s a note on it that reads: ‘We need to talk. –Mom’. Knowing that I’m busted, and dreading the worst, I go see my mother and father who are in the dining room having dinner.)

Me: “Uh, you wanted to see me?”

Mom: “Yes. Mind telling me about what I found in your closet?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. Those… uh…”

Mom: “Honestly, you need to hide them a little better. I don’t like finding that stuff because, frankly, I don’t want to think of you doing ‘that stuff’ in your room. Imagine my shock when I opened the Candyland box. It felt a little heavy, and that was a dead give-away. I mean, what were you thinking? You know we keep all the board games in your closet.”

Me: “Yeah, sorry about that. I’ll… what? Hide them better?”

Mom: “Also, if you want a subscription or something, let me know. I noticed a lot of your stuff is pretty old and you probably paid somebody way more than they’re worth. Since you check the mail anyway I wouldn’t have to see them.”

Me: “What? No, I don’t need a subscription.”

Dad: “Honestly, we were both a little surprised. Your mother and I were pretty convinced you were gay.”

Me: “What?! I’m not gay.”

Mom: “We know, sweetie. I found your stash, remember?”

Me: “Well yeah, but you actually thought I was gay?”

Dad: “Well you do…” *air quotes* “…’go fishing’ with [best friend] almost every week, sometimes you’ll even go in the afternoons after school. We thought it was kind of suspicious. Especially since you almost never bring home any fish.”

(This is true: I generally fish catch-and-release, so I never bring anything back.)

Me: “But [best friend] isn’t gay either. We really do like to fish that much.”

Dad: “Well, just saying. Not that we weren’t going to be supportive, you know. You can always come to us with things like this, your sexuality doesn’t matter to us, as long as you’re not dating a loser. Actually, your mother was kind of hurt that you hadn’t come out to us yet. [Best friend] is really nice, smart, funny, and handy with tools; you two would have made a great couple.”

Me: “But, we’re not gay!”

Mom: “Yes, sweetie, we know. But if you were, he’s quite the catch. Even [friend’s mother] thought you two made a nice pairing. We talked to her not last week about whether he’d said anything to her yet. She’ll be so disappointed.”

Me: “But… we’re not…”