Parental Misguidance

(I come home from college, along with my friend. I am straight, but he is quite obviously gay. My mom greets us.)

Me: “Hi Mum. This is my friend, [name].”

Mom: “Hello, nice to meet you.”

(She suddenly turns to me, and gives me a sly wink.)

Mom: *reaching for her handbag* “Would you like me to leave you two boys alone?”

Me: “What? No!”

Mom: *putting on her shoes* “I always wondered when you’d bring someone home.”

Me: “Mom, it’s not like that, we’re just friends!”

Mom: *grabbing her jacket* “That’s cool too! Young people these days can be friends with benefits!”

Me: “I’m not gay, mom.”

Mom: “Exactly, who needs labels anymore? Gay, straight, let’s all just be called ‘lovers’!”

(As she is leaving the apartment, she calls out loudly.)

Mom: “Be safe you two! I have some supplies in the bathroom if you need them!”

Me: “You realise my mom did that just to embarrass me, right?”

Friend: “Your mom is fabulous. Can I take her shopping?”