Some Returns Make You Have Kittens

| USA | Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month

Lady: “We’re here to give back this cat we got from you about a year ago.”

Me: “Okay. I’m sorry for that. Can I ask why are you returning him? Are you having any problems with him?”

Lady: “No, we just decided we like kittens but we don’t really like cats. Could we exchange him for another kitten?”

Me: “You do understand that every kitten will grow into a cat? What will you do when the next kitten grows up?”

Lady: “Can’t I just exchange it again?”

South Of The Border Of Unreason

| Tijuana, Mexico | Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

(I work at a company that works on providing phone-based tech support to other US-based telephone companies.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Provider]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Oh, hello. My name is [Name]. I have a box from [Provider] that I want removed from my lawn. It’s been sitting there for two days.”

Me: “Well, sir, you should have picked it up, since once the equipment arrives to your home it becomes your responsibility, and you must ship it back.”

Caller: “You don’t understand. I want you to send somebody from [Provider] to pick up that box for me.”

Me: “Sir, I can send you over someone to pick it up, but that’s going to cost you $75 USD.”

Caller: “No. I want it picked up for free. I don’t want that box.”

Me: “Then you must pick it up yourself and send it back to [Provider] via UPS or postal service, or drop it off with a sales representative at a [Provider] store.”

Caller: “I don’t want to do it. I want you to pick it up for me and take it away. For free. Don’t you understand? Am I calling to India or something like that?”

Me: “You are speaking to Tijuana, Mexico, and I do understand you, sir. However, we cannot send anyone to pick up the box, since it’s your responsibility to do so.”

Caller: “You must speak Spanish. Bring someone over to the phone who can understand English.”

Me: “I do understand you, sir. But that doesn’t change that you must still bring that box yourself or you will be charged for not returning the equipment.”

Caller: “No, you are speaking Spanish. Bring me someone who can speak English.”

Me: “Sir, we’re speaking in English.”

Caller: “I doubt it.”

Me: “Well, believe it. We’re speaking in English.”

Caller: “I refuse to speak with you. Bring me someone who can speak English. Bring me your f****** supervisor.”

(My supervisor in this moment was away on a meeting, and the only supervisor available that day was already taking a call.)

Me: “Sir, my supervisor will tell you the same.”

Caller: “Then f****** bring me your supervisor’s boss.”

Me: “Even if I take it to God himself, he’ll still tell you that you must grab that box and ship it back via postal service. And this is your first warning, sir. If you keep talking that way, I will be forced to terminate this call.”

Caller: “Bring me your f****** supervisor. I refuse to speak with you, f****** wetback.”

(Our company has a policy of reserving the right to withdraw from this kind of calls if the customer comes up with these kinds of tantrums.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Provider tech support]. We apologize that your problem will go unresolved. Do not bother calling back. Have a nice day.” *click*

(When I later check the records, I found out that this customer had already called four times for the same reason!)

Actually Wore Her Name Out

| Battle Creek, MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Funny Names

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Before I tell you anything, I want to know your name. I’m not about to be taken advantage of. I’m old.”

Me: “That’s no problem, ma’am. My name is Chelsea. ”

Caller: “What did you say? Carly?”

Me: “No, ma’am, Chelsea.”

Caller: “Casey?”

Me: “Chelsea, with a “C.H.””

Caller: “Patchy?”

Me: “… Yes.”

Accentuating The Problem, Part Deux

| RI, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Language & Words

(I’m from a region that has a very unique and distinct accent. Despite having lived in the region for my entire life, I do not speak with the accent. My lack of regional accent and the unusual spelling of my first name will often lead to customers asking me where I’m from.)

Me: “Can I help you with anything else?”

Customer: “Yes, your accent and name are interesting. Where are you from?”

Me: “I’m from this state.”

Customer: “No, no. You misunderstood me. Where were you born?”

Me: “I was born in this state.”

Customer: “That can’t be! You don’t talk like you’re from this state and I’ve never seen that spelling of your name! Stop lying to me and tell my where you’re really from!”

Me: “Sir, I’m telling you the truth. I was born here but I grew up in a Francophone family which is why I don’t have the typical regional accent.”

Customer: “You’re definitely not from around here if you’re from a whatever-you-called-it family! I want you to tell me where you’re really from!”

(Finally fed up with the customer keeping me from my work I give up trying to argue with him.)

Me: “All right. I’m from Quebec, Canada.”

Customer: “See, was that so hard? You speak very good English for someone from Quebec. You must have studied hard. Have a nice day, mademoiselle!”

Related:
Accentuating The Problem

Just Crushed Her Saga

, | USA | Money, Technology

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yes, ma’am. I do believe there’s a fraudulent charge on my account.”

Me: “Oh, no! Let’s see what we can do. Which item is fraudulent?”

Customer: “The $29.99 charge on January ninth.”

(I scroll down to the charge and then I notice the woman’s account is completely over-run with $0.99 charges to Google. When people get customer debit card numbers, they often make small purchases so they customer won’t notice, but this is completely insane.)

Me: *ignoring the Google charges for the time being* “Okay, I see the $29.99 charge. Do you want me to file a dispute on this item?”

Customer: “Oh! Oh, now wait, honey. I know what it is. I forgot I ordered that purse from the TV.” *laughs* “Never mind. I didn’t mean to waste your time! Thank you so much!”

Me: “Wait, ma’am, hold on. I’m glad you figured out that charge was legitimate, but I do need to ask you… Um, are you aware there are multiple small transactions to Google on your account? I mean, they go all the way back for at least three months. I’m seeing so many I can’t count them all!”

Customer: “Oh, honey, I know. My husband tells me I need to stop!”

Me: “Stop, ma’am? Stop what?”

Customer: “Oh, you know. Ain’t you ever felt so swag you just had to play Candy Crush at three am?”

Me: *blink* “No, ma’am. Can’t say that I have.”

Customer: “Oh, I just get so mad. I just gotta beat that level!”

Me: *laughs* “Well, hey, we all gotta unwind somehow!”

Customer: “How much I spent on Candy Crush anyhow? $50?”

Me: *tallying it all up* “Um… it looks like approximately $767.87 in three months.”

(There is a prolonged silence.)

Customer: “HOW MUCH!?”

Me: “$767.87, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh honey, don’t you tell my husband. He already mad at me as it is. Oh well! Thanks, baby, you have a great night!”

(The customer had well over $15,000 in her regular checking account so I suppose she wasn’t missing it too badly!)

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