An Artificially Inseminated Refund

| Northwood, OH, USA | Right | November 12, 2015

(I am walking near the customer service area when I overhear a woman trying to return an item. We have a pretty liberal return policy; as long as you have the receipt and the actual item, you get your money back.  Only managers can approve returns, so customer service has called the assistant manager.)

Assistant Manager: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

Customer: I want to return this turkey baster here. I’ve got the receipt and everything.”

Assistant Manager: “Certainly, ma’am. I need to fill out this form and you’ll be on your way. What can I put down as the reason for return?”

Customer: “Well, no matter which way I sit, it HURTS!”

Assistant Manager: “…”

(The assistant manager turned bright red, got the customer’s money, and ran back to the break room in sheer embarrassment while the rest of us burst out in hysterical laughter.)

Freshly Chipped

| Auckland, New Zealand | Right | November 11, 2015

Customer: *selecting a small bag of potato chips and waving it in my face belligerently* “Are these FRESH?”

Me: “I’m sorry; I’m not sure what you mean. They’re as fresh as any other potato chips, I guess.”

Customer: “I bought a bag of chips here once and they were not fresh. Is this a fresh bag? How long ago were they made?”

Me: “Well, honestly, I’ve never thought about it before. I don’t know where they are made or how long it takes them to get here. But I can tell you that we restock the shelves a couple of times a day, and a truck comes once a week to deliver more of them. So, I guess those chips probably got put out on the shelves this morning.”

Customer: “So they were fresh this morning?”

Me: “They weren’t made this morning, if that’s what you mean by fresh.”

Customer: “THIS IS RIDICULOUS. YOU CAN’T SELL FOOD THAT ISN’T FRESH! I WANT SOME THAT WERE FRESH THIS MORNING!”

Me: “Ma’am, I think the only way you can do that is to buy a potato and slice it up yourself and fry it into chips at home. Any bag of chips we sell here is perfectly safe to eat but they’re a commercial product, they come from a factory somewhere and I don’t know exactly when or where the chips in this particular bag were made.”

Customer: *throwing down the bag, and taking a different bag of chips of the same brand* “FINE. I’LL HAVE THESE ONES INSTEAD.”

The Next Minute:

| Right | November 11, 2015

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Mayo-No-No

| CA, USA | Right | November 11, 2015

(I am working the register at a sandwich shop at a theme park. A customer walks in with her mother.)

Me: “Hello, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Do y’all have turkey sandwiches?”

Me: “Yes, we do. It comes with your choice of chips, salad, or fruit.”

Customer: “Salad. I am on a diet so I can’t have any fat. By the way is your bread on the turkey sandwich fat free?”

Me: “Yes, I believe so. I can go ask our chef if you would like.”

Customer: “No, it’s okay. I think you are right. Is your turkey fat free?”

Me: “Yes, our turkey is lean, cooked and sliced right here.”

Customer: “Oh, that sounds good. Also are your tomatoes fat free?”

(At this point, the coworkers around me and this woman’s mother are stifling laughs.)

Me: “Yes… they are definitely fat free.”

Customer: *to her mother* “See, ma, I am doing this diet thing right.”

Me: “Might I mention that we have a mustard sauce on our sandwich that is not fat free, and includes mayo. Would you like me to get you one without it?”

Customer: “No. How can you eat a sandwich without mayo?”

Not Quite The Speedy Resolution

| Lincoln, NE, USA | Right | November 11, 2015

(I work for a non-emergency hotline for the local police department. I take calls from the public that don’t need emergency services and, as a result, talk to a lot of people who aren’t exactly the sharpest tools in the box.)

Caller: “I want to make a report of a crime.”

Me: “All right, ma’am, can you tell me what happened?”

Caller: “I was driving on the interstate yesterday, and I saw four motorcycles speeding.”

Me: “Okay?”

Caller: “I have their plate numbers too. They are…” *gives numbers*

Me: “Okay?”

Caller: “Well? Aren’t you going to do anything about it?”

Me: “Ma’am, what do you want me to do with this?”

Caller: “Something! They broke the law and they should be punished.”

Me: “Ma’am, they might have broken the law, but unless an officer actually saw them doing it… then we have no proof. We can’t go around arresting people without proof.”

Caller: “But I SAW them!”

Me: “But you are not a member of the police force. We can’t arrest someone based solely on your witness statement. There has to be some other form of evidence.”

Caller: “Plenty of other people saw them, too!”

Me: “But none of them have called us. Even if they did, we still wouldn’t pursue those bikers just based on eyewitness statements. We would let the officer present make that call.”

Caller: “What do you expect me to do? I was DRIVING! I wasn’t going to risk MY life by trying to take a video! Those men are going to kill someone someday!”

Me: “It’s very good you didn’t take video while driving, but there’s nothing you can do. The police didn’t see it happen, so on our end nothing did happen.”

Caller: “I gave you their plate numbers. I want you to look up their addresses and write them very strongly worded letters so they understand that what they did was wrong.”

Me: “Ma’am… I’m not going to do that.”

Caller: “THIS IS SUCH A WASTE OF MY TAX DOLLARS! I CALLED YOU EXPECTING JUSTICE TO BE SERVED, BUT INSTEAD I GET SOME CRAP ABOUT YOU NOT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING UNLESS AN OFFICER SEES IT! HOW DARE YOU TREAT THE PUBLIC YOU PROTECT AND SERVE LIKE THIS!”

(She continues to rant about how useless the department is and how she won’t stand for her money being wasted like this. I am now really annoyed, and trying not to tell the woman how she is the one wasting our time and money.)

Me: “All right, ma’am, I’ve found something I can do for you. I will pass your message on to someone else.”

Caller: “FINALLY! I hope you’re happy that you’ve wasted so much of my time with this!”

Me: “Not at all, ma’am, but I do wish you a good rest of your day. Drive safely. ”

(After hanging up, I turn to the dispatcher sitting next to me.)

Me: “Hey.”

Coworker: “What’s up?”

Me: “The lady I just talked to, she saw some bikers speeding on the interstate. I told her I’d tell someone about it. There you go.”

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