Hoping To Bend The Law

| USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal & Illegal, Money

Me: “Good morning. [Law Firm].”

Caller: “I was wondering if [Lawyer] could give me some advice on getting alimony after my divorce.”

Me: “I’m sorry. [Lawyer] does not offer free legal advice. Her hourly rate is [rate], and I can schedule you a meeting for [set price].”

Caller: “I’m not really looking to pay. Can you give me advice?”

Me: “I am not a lawyer, thus am not qualified to give legal advice. I would hate to steer you wrong.”

Caller: “Well, what if I told you what I wanted to know, you asked [Lawyer], took notes, and then you called me back?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I will not do that.”

Caller: “This is very poor customer service!” *hangs up*

Not What They Claim To Be

| Adelaide, SA, Australia | Extra Stupid, Language & Words

Me: “Welcome to the [Insurance Company]. You’re speaking with [My Name].”

Caller: “Oh, hi. I don’t have my policy number or anything, but I have my name and address and I need to ask some questions.”

(Usually if they need to ask questions it’s for a claim.)

Me: “That’s fine. Is this for a claim?”

Caller: “Oh, no. It’s just a few questions about my policy.”

(I proceed to find her on the system.)

Me: “Okay, so this is for your home insurance policy. What can I help you with?”

Caller: “Okay. Well, a lil’ while ago a few tree limbs and branches fell on my house and I took out a claim and I wanted to know how it’s going?”

Me: “… Let me transfer you to claims.”

The Ugliest Person In The Room

| Cherry Hill, NJ, USA | Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Top

(I work at a very well-known, national baby store, with the word ‘baby’ in the name, sitting at a desk in the store. A middle-aged, seemingly trophy wife walks in, with high heels, implants, and platinum hair.)

Customer: “I don’t understand, like, why they don’t have more pretty people working here? Pretty people make, like, great babies!”

Me: “Uh, yeah. Yeah, they do.”

Customer: “Why are all the people that work here ugly? How do you people make babies?”

Me: “I guess… like everyone else?”

Customer: “That’s gross. They are gross. You are gross. You guys got, like, baby stuff for sale?”

Manager: *cutting in* “We do, but it’s all for ugly people.”

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait On

| England, UK | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Wild & Unruly

(It is my first ever shift at my first ever job. The restaurant I work in is known as a ‘Halfway Point’ as we’re between two towns. We get a lot of tourists and that night have been busy. I’d just given a customer his meal.)

Me: “Here we are, sir. One [Meal] for yourself and a [Meal] for the lovely lady! Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yeah, I wanna know why it’s taken 40 f****** minutes for my meal to get here!”

(Note: Even though I had only just started, I knew there hadn’t been more than a 15-minute wait for meals, and with 68 tables full that was very fast.)

Me: *a little frightened, but trying to stay calm* “I- I’m very sorry for your wait, sir. I hope you understand we’re very busy. I- I’ll even s-see if I can get you both a free drink to make up for wait.”

Customer: “I don’t give a s*** about that. I want to know why you’re so f****** useless, you f****** b****! Look at you. You’re a f****** w****! Take my order right next time, c***!”

Me: “I- I’m very s-sorry, s-sir. I’ll b-be r-right back with my m-manager for you!”

(At this point I run into the kitchen and staff area crying from the string of abuse I’d just been given. Luckily, my manager and my brother, also on shift with me, both see me, and after a quick explanation they nod and tell me to join them with the customer. We all walk to the customer’s table.)

Manager: “Hello, sir. I’m going to have to ask you to pay and leave my restaurant immediately.”

Customer: “What!? I haven’t even eaten yet! Your staff made me wait nearly an hour for my order. It’s cold!”

Manager: “I am aware you haven’t eaten yet, sir, and your food is most certainly not cold as there was barely even a 15 minute wait on food. I will not tolerate you abusing my staff, who also happens to be the younger sister of this gentleman here.” *points to my brother*

Brother: *smiling and folding his arms* “We both know you wouldn’t like the option of you refusing to pay, sir. Also, you made her cry. She started this very job only 10 minutes before serving you, so I recommend you do as [Manager] asks!”

(Thankfully, the customer quickly abandons his meal, pays up, and drags his girlfriend out with him! Later, the customer’s girlfriend comes back in.)

Customer’s Girlfriend: *walks up to my brother at the bar* “Hi, I was in here earlier. I wanted to apologise for my boyfriend’s behaviour earlier.”

Brother: “Thank you very much. [My Name] will feel a lot better hearing that later. She has Asperger’s and taking this job is a very big step for her. She can take things as personal attacks.”

Customer’s Girlfriend: “I’m so sorry! Please tell her he ended up walking home after tonight! Please give her a big hug from me!”

(The best part? The customer’s girlfriend insisted on giving a £50 tip! I shared it between all my coworkers and we ended up having a nice dinner after close and a drink each! I left that job a couple of months later after fracturing a hip but continue to be a regular there. I usually buy them all a round of drinks for helping me get through that first night!)

See Her In Her Cah

| Lafeyette, LA, USA | At The Checkout, Language & Words

(I’m ringing up a man and a woman. The woman is wearing a shirt and a couple of rubber bracelets that reference running in Boston.)

Me: *indicating her shirt* “You from up north?”

Woman: “Hmm? Oh, no. That was just a run I was in.”

Me: “Ah. I used to live about an hour out of Boston.”

(I finish ringing them up and hand the woman her change.)

Man: “You don’t sound like you’re from Boston.”

Me: “Well, I pick up accents pretty quick, and I’ve been in Louisiana for a year, so I guess I wouldn’t sound much like I’m from Boston anymore.”

Man: “I mean, you’re polite.”

Me: *laughing* “You haven’t seen me in the car!”

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