It’s Curtains For Closing Time

| Seattle, WA, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Family & Kids

(I work in a small, locally owned business in an old building. Connected to our store is another small shop. Our owners have agreed to leave the passage between our stores open to promote business. We understandably get customers wanting to purchase the other store’s goods at our register, and other similar confusions. Most days, our hours are the same. One day a week my store closes an hour before our sister store. We have large, heavy curtains that can be drawn across the entrance between our stores. I am in the middle of closing procedure, have drawn the curtains, turned out most of the lights, and locked the front door. Our space has two adjoining rooms, so I can hear what’s happening in the other room, but can’t see. I hear loud thumping noises and footsteps. It is a woman and her seven- or eight-year-old son.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we are closed. Today we close an hour earlier than [Adjoining Store], but feel free to browse further there.”

Woman: “Oh? You’re closed?”

Me: “Yes. As you may have noticed, all the lights are off in this store, and our hours are clearly posted on the other side of the curtains separating us from [Other Store.]”

Woman: “Well, it’s all so unclear. It looks like you’re open.”

(Meanwhile, her son is bounding around, disarranging the displays and generally being disrespectful of the space.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but we are closed. Our register is no longer open. Feel free to look at [Other Store]’s stock. They are open for another hour.”

Woman: *grumbles in direction of son* “Well, I guess this b**** won’t let you have a toy.”

Some Jokes Always Come Back Around

| OH, USA | Family & Kids

(I’m working on the prize counter of an arcade. A father and his teenage son come up and start looking at prizes. They see a boomerang and the dad suggests it.)

Customer: “See, you could bring that to the park!”

Customer’s Son: “But I didn’t even know how to use it!”

Me: “It’ll come back to you.”

(The customer and his son cracked up laughing. They got the boomerang.)

Knocked Back By An Explosion Of Ignorance

| MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Transportation

(Obviously at a gas station, most people know that gas is flammable and it’s dangerous to leave your car running while pumping gas. When we see a car running we are supposed to shut off the pump and tell them to turn off their vehicles so they can resume fueling the vehicle. Most do it; some fought about it.)

Me: *shut off a pump and talk over the intercom* “Ma’am, on pump nine, in the black car, can you please turn off your vehicle so I can restart the pump?”

(I watch the customer continue to try and pump gas, ignoring me. I tell her two more times to turn off the car before she finally hangs up the pump and comes in.)

Customer: “I have pump nine. $2.83. And I couldn’t turn off my car because I had my kid in there.”

Me: “It’s the law, ma’am. Your kid won’t freeze in the few minutes the car is turned off. If I had let you continue you could have possibly blown up the place and it wouldn’t have mattered if your kid was in the car.”

Customer: “I’ve never heard of such a thing in my life.”

Me: “It happened not too long ago at [Nearby City].”

Customer: “That’s bulls***. I’m never going to stop here again.”

Me: “That’s fine with me, ma’am. I’d like to keeping living and not get blown up by ignorant people such as yourself. Have a nice day.”

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Ask A Silly Question…

| MO, USA | Awesome Workers, Bizarre, Books & Reading

(I am in charge of our text service at the library where I work. We had a patron for a time who delighted in pranking us with odd or silly questions. We generally handle such instances in a very professional manner, but one evening when the patron texted in, I decided it was time to fight back.)

Patron: “How do I get to the library?”

Me: “The same way you get to Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice.”

Patron: “Is there any way I can practice watching the live NFL draft in the library?”

Me: “Nope. So sorry. Try [Local Bar].”

Patron: “But I have a final test tomorrow.”

Me: “Then [Local Bar] probably isn’t a great idea.”

Patron: “Thank you for your generous advice.”

Me: “Always thrilled to be of service.”

Patron: “I accidentally whispered on the quiet floor of the library. What are the repercussions?”

Me: “Death. There is no alternative. But on the bright side, your folks will probably get a hefty life insurance payout.”

Patron: “Unfortunately no one has yet insured my life. However if you are interested I can arrange for payments.”

Me: “Oh, that’s very sad. Maybe they don’t love you. You deserve parents who will put a price on your life.”

Patron: “Touché, library person!”

Me: *bows; exeunt stage left*

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Must Think They Were Dragonborn Yesterday

| NB, Canada | Bizarre, Hotels & Lodging, Theme Of The Month

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “My name is warrior… and I’m lost.”

(Music plays in background, and the caller goes on about fighting and being lost.)

Me: “Can I have your name, sir?”

Caller: “My father was a paladin.”

(At this point my coworker took the headphones to listen in. It was a prank call, and at least it was entertaining.)

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