Don’t Always Have To Scream For Ice-Cream

| WI, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Top

(It is a busy night in the drive thru. I am trying desperately to catch up on the significant line, and the previous customer had asked for directions at the window after receiving her food. We sometimes miscalculate and get our dessert items ready too early, so the next customer’s ice cream is getting a little ‘melty.’ I know I should re-scoop it, but the line is so long and I hope she won’t mind.)

Me: “Here’s your ice cream. [Price], please.”

Customer: “I don’t mean to be a b****, as I know it’s not your fault they asked for directions, but could you re-scoop this for me?”

Me: *ashamed* “Of course. I’m sorry.”

(I get her a new one. She produces a $10 bill.)

Customer: “Can you break this ten into two fives for me?”

Me: “Here you are.”

Customer:  *only takes one of the bills* “That one’s for you! Thanks for getting me a new ice cream!”

Me: *astounded* “Thank you so much!”

The Situation Has All Gone Pear-Shaped

| Basingstoke, England, UK | Funny Names, Health & Body, Top

(I’m assisting an older customer trying to find some nice shrugs to cover her arms when she wears strappy dresses. I have found her a few and, for some reason, we have changed topic to women’s shapes.)

Me: “So, there are five general different shapes.”

Customer: “Five?”

Me: “Yup! Straight: where you’re equal measurements across the board, strawberry or top heavy: where your shoulders (or breasts) are the largest part of you, apple: where your waist is the biggest part, pear: where your hips are the widest and the hourglass: where your top is in proportion to your hips.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m a small hourglass as my shoulders are in line with my hips. You must be too!”

Me: “Oh no, I’m pear-shaped. My hips are easily the widest part of me; my top half is a lot narrower.”

Customer: “Oh… you look in proportion though. Oh! Probably because you have big boobs!”

Me: “Er… thanks. Anyway, was there anything else you were looking for?”

(I help the customer and check her out.)

Customer: “Thanks for your help, Big Boobs!”

Me: “You’re welcome. Bye!”

(There’s a small pause.)

Manager: “Good job, Big Boobs.”

An Idiot Born Every Minute

| East Stroudsburg, PA, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

(We are located in a college town, so naturally, we sell a variety of things including condoms. Normally people just ask where they are then buy them. This started out like any other time.)

Customer: “Yo, you all sell condoms?”

Me: “Yes, right over there.” *point to where they are*

Customer: “What?! You only sell 3-packs? You don’t sell single condoms? See, this is why people be having babies!”

(I stood there stunned as he kicked our door open and left.)

That Reasoning Doesn’t Fly

| Boston, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Tourists/Travel, Transportation

(I work in a duty free shop and a customer wanting to buy a bottle of cognac comes to my register. All is well until I ask for his boarding pass.)

Me: “All right, sir, may I see your boarding pass?”

Customer #1: “No.”

Me: “Then you can’t buy this cognac.”

Customer #1: “Why not?”

Me: “Alcohol is a customs bonded item, and as such can only be bought by people leaving the country directly from this point. I need to see your boarding pass so I can make sure you are doing so.”

Customer #1: “But I am French.”

Me: “That does not mean you are leaving the country.”

Customer #1: “But this is an international airport.”

Me: “Domestic flights go out of this airport regularly.”

Customer #1: “Well, I won’t show you my boarding pass.”

Me: “Than you can’t buy the cognac.”

Customer #1: “But I want to.”

Me: “Then I need to see your boarding pass.”

Customer #1: “NO!”

(This goes on for five minutes and the customer leaves in a huff without his cognac. The lady behind him comes up toting a five pound bag of pretzel M&Ms, which, like all candy, is not bonded.)

Customer #2: “Um, I’m on a domestic flight to Phoenix. Can I buy these M&Ms?”

Me: “Sure. Candy isn’t bonded.”

Customer #2: “Okay.” *looks at the cognac* “After that last guy you might need some of that yourself.”

Making A Fresh Start In A New City

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Bizarre, Food & Drink

(It is 20 minutes before close. A man comes in alone and demands to be seated in the closed half of the restaurant. He insists this is the only ‘real’ part of the restaurant. My coworker takes his initial order then sends me over to continue with him. He’s ordered something that only comes as an add-on to an entrée, but he wants it first while he’s deciding on the entrée. This is no problem and I go to drop off his drink.)

Customer: “Limes are very precious in this city. So precious. Do you have any limes?”

Me: “Yes, sir. I can get you some if you like.”

Customer: “Yes, both lemon and lime are so precious.”

(I fetch him some.)

Me: “Did you decide on an entrée this evening or do you still need a few minutes?”

Customer: “What time do you close?”

Me: “10 pm.”

Customer: “[City] is terrible! Nothing stays open. If we were in a different city you’d be open till midnight at least.”

Me: “Well, they do stay open in some areas where there’s things around them that are open later like movie theatres. But we find here people don’t really come in for dinner so late. Did you need another minute with the menus?”

Customer: “This city is terrible. I hate this place so much. All the stores are awful. Everything is awful.”

(Another guest is trying to hail me so I politely excuse myself from the still-ranting man. A few minutes later I bring him the add-on he wanted as a starter.)

Customer: *in a demanding tone of voice* “Is it cold?!”

Me: *glancing at the clearly steaming food* “No, sir. It’s hot.”

Customer: “If you’re sure.”

Me: “Did you decide on an entrée? I can get them cooking it while you’re eating.”

Customer: “I’ll have chicken.”

Me: *thinking of the dozen diverse items on the menu that contain chicken* “Chicken, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, but only if it’s fresh. It needs to be really fresh! You need to give it the smell test. If you haven’t stuck your nose into the burger it’s not really fresh! If it’s not fresh I’ll just send it right back!”

Me: *thinking that we’ve at least narrowed it down to the four chicken burger options* “Absolutely, sir. I’ll triple check with the kitchen, but our chicken is generally really fresh. Do you know which of the chicken burgers you’d like?”

Customer: “No, no, no! You’re not listening! You have to listen to your customers! It . Must. Be. Fresh. I know it’s not! I eat here all the time and it’s not. This place is terrible. All the restaurants in this city are terrible.”

Me: “I’m sorry if you’ve had a bad experience, sir. I can tell you that our chicken today is very fresh. Is there a particular burger you’d like?”

Customer: “I’ve called head office and left a message for the CEO, you know. They didn’t care about freshness. No one cares about freshness. You’re not even listening! You have to listen to your customers! You know what, f*** it! I’ll just take this to go.”

(I go get him a take out box and he puts the hot food in that, dumps the salad out onto the table and the floor and storms out. He paid for the add-on and even left me a one cent tip.)

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