Never Listened In Or Outside Church

| London, England, UK | History, Tourists/Travel

(I work as a tour guide on an open top bus tour around London. My job is to tell tourists about the history of the city, and the landmarks that we pass.)

Me: “… and as we continue along Fleet Street we’ll see one of the great landmarks of London coming into view, the wonderful dome of St. Paul’s Cathedral. St. Paul’s Cathedral is our next stop. St. Paul’s Cathedral was built after the great fire of London of 1666. St. Paul’s Cathedral stands 365 feet from the ground to the tip of the golden cross at the top of the dome, one foot for every day of the year.”

Lady On The Bus: “What’s this building here?”

Me: *pointing at St. Paul’s Cathedral* “This one?”

Lady On The Bus: “Yes.”

Me: *sighing* “The Sealife Aquarium.”

Lady On The Bus: “The Sealife Aquarium?”

Me: *shrugging* “Yeah, why not?”

Lady On The Bus: “Thank you.”

(She writes ‘Sealife Aquarium’ carefully on the bus tour map, next to the little picture of ST PAUL’S CATHEDRAL, underneath the words ST PAUL’S CATHEDRAL that are printed next to it.)

Me: “Pleasure. Welcome aboard those joining us here at St. Paul’s Cathedral…”

Chipping Away Until You Get The Answer

, | MI, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Funny Names

(An elderly customer walks into my store.)

Me: “Hi! I can take your order when you’re ready!”

Customer: “I’d like some chips.”

(The customer doesn’t have a noticeable accent so I assume he isn’t from England.)

Me: “We don’t have chips, but would you like fries instead?”

Customer: “No, I’d like some chips!”

(The elderly customer then points to the chocolate chip cookies we have sitting out front.)

Customer: “You know what I want! I want chips!”

Me: “Oh, you mean chocolate chips!”

Customer: “No! Chips!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand. If you’d like I can get my manager and see if he knows what you’re talking about?”

Customer: “I don’t want your manager! I want chips! You know they’re like chips of chicken!”

Me: “Oh, you mean chicken nuggets?”

Customer: “Yes! There you go! Chicken chips! See, I told you, you had chips!”

Don’t Always Have To Scream For Ice-Cream

| WI, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Top

(It is a busy night in the drive thru. I am trying desperately to catch up on the significant line, and the previous customer had asked for directions at the window after receiving her food. We sometimes miscalculate and get our dessert items ready too early, so the next customer’s ice cream is getting a little ‘melty.’ I know I should re-scoop it, but the line is so long and I hope she won’t mind.)

Me: “Here’s your ice cream. [Price], please.”

Customer: “I don’t mean to be a b****, as I know it’s not your fault they asked for directions, but could you re-scoop this for me?”

Me: *ashamed* “Of course. I’m sorry.”

(I get her a new one. She produces a $10 bill.)

Customer: “Can you break this ten into two fives for me?”

Me: “Here you are.”

Customer:  *only takes one of the bills* “That one’s for you! Thanks for getting me a new ice cream!”

Me: *astounded* “Thank you so much!”

The Situation Has All Gone Pear-Shaped

| Basingstoke, England, UK | Funny Names, Health & Body, Top

(I’m assisting an older customer trying to find some nice shrugs to cover her arms when she wears strappy dresses. I have found her a few and, for some reason, we have changed topic to women’s shapes.)

Me: “So, there are five general different shapes.”

Customer: “Five?”

Me: “Yup! Straight: where you’re equal measurements across the board, strawberry or top heavy: where your shoulders (or breasts) are the largest part of you, apple: where your waist is the biggest part, pear: where your hips are the widest and the hourglass: where your top is in proportion to your hips.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m a small hourglass as my shoulders are in line with my hips. You must be too!”

Me: “Oh no, I’m pear-shaped. My hips are easily the widest part of me; my top half is a lot narrower.”

Customer: “Oh… you look in proportion though. Oh! Probably because you have big boobs!”

Me: “Er… thanks. Anyway, was there anything else you were looking for?”

(I help the customer and check her out.)

Customer: “Thanks for your help, Big Boobs!”

Me: “You’re welcome. Bye!”

(There’s a small pause.)

Manager: “Good job, Big Boobs.”

An Idiot Born Every Minute

| East Stroudsburg, PA, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

(We are located in a college town, so naturally, we sell a variety of things including condoms. Normally people just ask where they are then buy them. This started out like any other time.)

Customer: “Yo, you all sell condoms?”

Me: “Yes, right over there.” *point to where they are*

Customer: “What?! You only sell 3-packs? You don’t sell single condoms? See, this is why people be having babies!”

(I stood there stunned as he kicked our door open and left.)

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