Expressly Mannerless

| Portland, OR, USA | Right | November 17, 2015

(There are already four checkout lanes open at the store but the lines are still fairly long when the following happens:)

Loudspeaker: “Attention, customers. We have just opened the Express lane for customers with less than 10 items. Again, we have just opened the Express lane for customers with less than 10 items.”

(Several people, including myself move over to the new lane, however we are beaten by Customer who has a cart nearly overflowing with groceries.)

Me: “You know this lane is for 10 items or less, right?”

Customer: “How was I supposed to know that?”

Me: “Well, there’s the sign posted clearly right there, or, if you’re blind, she said it twice when she made the announcement that made you race over here.”

Customer: “Oh, well, I didn’t know” *starts putting groceries on belt*

(Because it’s still faster than moving back to one of the other lines I wait for her to finish.)

Cashier: *when customer has left* “I’m very sorry about that. We’re not allowed to turn anybody away, even if they don’t have any manners.”

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Having A Rent Vent

| MI, USA | Right | November 17, 2015

(A new release has just come out that is very popular and everyone wants it. At this point in my shift, there are no more copies in the store and there haven’t been for at least two hours.)

Customer: “Do you have [New Movie] on DVD?”

Me: “We are all out right now, I’m sorry. Everyone has been excited to see it.”

Customer: “Well, don’t you have anymore in the back?”

Me: “No. As I said, they’ve all been rented already.”

Customer: “Well, you should have saved one for me.”

(I have never seen this customer before.)

Me: “Did you call and have one held for you?”

(We don’t have any being held, but if she had one that was supposed to be held, I would offer her some free movies for the inconvenience.)

Customer: “No, but if you have any being held, I’ll take one of those.”

Me: “If you didn’t call, I can’t give you someone else’s copy that did call.”

Customer: “Why not? I’m here now and want to watch it tonight.”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t have any being held, and I wouldn’t give you someone else’s movie. Is there anything else I can check out for you today?”

Customer: “No. That’s what I came here for and I want one.”

Me: “Well, obviously you can wait and see if one gets returned, but seeing as it just came out today, I’m sure no one is going to bring it back until tomorrow.”

Customer: “Can’t you call someone and tell them to bring it back?”

Me: “No, ma’am. If you don’t have anything else that you need checked out, I do have a line of other people that want to get their movies and go home.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why you didn’t save me a copy!”

Not Quite The Fastest Bullet In The Barrel

| KS, USA | Right | November 17, 2015

(I work at the firearm counter. We always keep all of our .22 ammunition in a case where our .45 handguns are. Since there’s a .22 “shortage” going on I’ve had quite a few people ask where the .22’s are. Two guys approach me.)

Customer #1: “Where’s y’alls .22?”

Me: “We keep them right over in this case.” *points at .45 case*

Customer #1: “I’m talking about bullets.”

Me: “They’re right here.” *points again*

Customer #1: *talking to me as if I am dumb* “Nooooo, those are guns. I’m looking for bullets!”

Me: “Like I said, right here.” *points again*

Customer #1: “Nooooo! I’m talking about bullets. These are guns.”

Customer #2: “Hey, look, there’s actually .22 ammo in the case.”

Customer #1: *face turns red* “Uh… oh, there is.”

Me: “I take my apologies verbally, sir.”

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Surprising Enterprising

| USA | Right | November 16, 2015

Caller: “I need you to come down and fix a tire on my car. It’s flat.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. I’m a bit backed up at the moment, so it will be about an hour before I can come down.”

Caller: “I need to go to [Next Town Over] this afternoon so I need it fixed as soon as possible.”

Me: “That’s fine. I can take care of it by noon, but like I said I have customers here in the shop so I can’t just leave just yet.”

Caller: “Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ll call [Competitor] and see if he can come down, and whichever one of you gets here first gets the business.”

Me: “No, I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that. If you call me down I expect to get the business because you asked me to fix your tire for you. If I get down there and someone else has already fixed it then I’d still have to charge you a service call fee.”

Caller: “What? I’m not paying you for not doing anything.”

Me: “You’re asking me to leave the shop and burn my gas to come down in hopes I get there first. I’m not going to play that game. If you want to call [Competitor] and have them do it instead I’ll understand, or you can wait an hour and I can come down.”

Caller: “I don’t see what the problem is. That’s free enterprise. If you get here first then I’ll pay you to fix it.”

Me: “And if I don’t get there first, I’ve wasted my time and money. ”

Caller: “That’s why you compete for business.”

Me: “We compete by providing better service and lower prices, not by who has the faster truck. You make an oral contract with a business, you should be willing to pay. You wouldn’t order a pizza from two different pizza places and tell them whoever delivered first gets your business, then expect the loser to just eat the costs.”

Caller: “Sounds okay to me. They should give better service.”

Me: “Well, anyway, do you want me to come down or not?”

Caller: “Okay. It’s [Address].”

Me: “Okay, I’ll be down there as fast as I can. Don’t call anyone else to fix it, or if you do call me back and let me know so I don’t waste time driving there.”

Caller: “One more thing… can I wait to pay you tomorrow?”

Me: *face-palm*

Jesus Doesn’t Get Tickets

| MD, USA | Right | November 16, 2015

(My friend is playing Jesus in a production of Jesus Christ Superstar. After the performance, he changes into his own clothes, but doesn’t take off his stage makeup, including the fake blood from the crucifixion scene. While he is driving home, he is pulled over by the police.)

Police Officer: “License and registration, please.”

(As my friend hands the officer his license, the officer gets a good look at him.)

Police Officer: “Sir, are you all right? Do you need an ambulance?”

Friend: *confused because he forgot he was wearing the makeup* “Huh? Oh! I’m okay. This is makeup. I’m coming home from a performance.”

Police Officer: *so relieved that he apparently forgot why he pulled my friend over* “Oh, good. Well, drive safely and have a good night!”

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