A Man With A Van And A Very Bad Plan

| Factoria, WA, USA | Right | November 17, 2015

(A coworker approaches me.)

Coworker: “Hey you might want to keep an eye on that guy in the scotch section. He just shoved two bottles of [Very Expensive Brand] into his coat.”

(I look over just as the aforementioned customer makes for the door. True to fashion the door sensors go off and he begins to walk faster.)

Me: “Sir… Sir, I need you to come back. Sir!”

(Suddenly a van tears across the parking lot and the customer breaks into a sprint. Someone in the van throws the passenger door open, he leaps in, and the van peels out of the parking lot before I can exit the store. Fortunately for me the shoplifters have made a grievous error: the van they were in had the name of a local plumbing service written on the side, with the full phone number and contact details underneath it. Shaking my head, I go back in and dial the company number, getting an older-sounding gentleman who’s naturally rather upset to hear two employees of his just took part in a robbery and promises to be on the lookout for when the van gets back to his place of business. Several hours later the company van pulls up outside the store again, and out steps a middle-aged man, dragging by their arms the idiots who stole the booze from us.)

Man: “Hey, I’m the one you spoke to. I just caught these disgraces laughing and sharing with the other employees the scotch they lifted from you. I thought it only right that they come down here and pay for what was stolen with their final paycheck before I can their a**es!”

(He shoves the red-faced shoplifters towards my register.)

Man: “Anything you have to say, boys?”

Shoplifter: *whispering* “Sorry.”

(The man places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes threateningly.)

Man: “What was that? I don’t think he heard you.”

Shoplifter: *much louder as he hurriedly hands over the money he owes* “I’m sorry I stole from you, okay?”

Man: “Better.” *to me* “Is there anything you’d like to do in return? Call the police? Press charges?”

Me: “Actually I just have one question: why on earth did you think it was a good idea to use a company vehicle in a robbery?”

Shoplifter: “We didn’t think retail employees knew how to read.”

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Accredited With Being Stupid

| SC, USA | Right | November 17, 2015

(I work security and administrative actions at a government agency on Fort Jackson. Our agency, like most, has initials that are very similar to NCAA.)

Me: *answering phone* “National Center for Credibility Assessment. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Hi. This is probably going to be the stupidest question you answer all day.”

Me: “Okay, go ahead.”

(The caller then begins to go on about how she is in need of taking accredited classes for her physical trainer courses and she needed to know how to go about getting those classes.)

Me: “Ma’am, I am not entirely sure you called the right place. This is a polygraph school.”

Caller: “Right, so how would I go about being accredited? Can you direct me to another department?”

Me: “I’m sorry, the only thing we do with any physical education is within the first two weeks of the polygraph course, when the students get college level anatomy.”

Caller: “Well, your website brags about being NCCA accredited.”

Me: “No, ma’am, I assure you it does not. I think you are tying to—”

Caller: “You are NCCA right?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but we don’t offer the courses you would need to physical therapy. I think you mean NCAA.”

Caller: *legitimately confused* “I don’t understand.”

Me: “This is the NCCA, the polygraph school. You may need to revisit the website and try a number within the site.”

Caller: “But I was just on your site. YOU accredit people.”

Me: “Ma’am, will you go back to the site you visited?”

Caller: *heavy sigh* “Okay”

Me: “Now will you read for me the letters at the top of the page?”

Caller: “NCAA… Ooh.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, the initials are very close but you do in fact have the wrong number.”

Caller: “I am sorry I wasted your time; I will search another number.”

Me: “Okay, thank you, have a great day.”

*click*

(The lady calls back again and when I answer she begins to complain that I lied to her to get out of doing my job. I walk her through the NCAA website to find a number for the courses she is interested in. She then begins dialing the number with me still on the phone. When they answer this is all I hear…)

Caller: “ACCREDIT ME, YOU A**-HOLE!”

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Expressly Mannerless

| Portland, OR, USA | Right | November 17, 2015

(There are already four checkout lanes open at the store but the lines are still fairly long when the following happens:)

Loudspeaker: “Attention, customers. We have just opened the Express lane for customers with less than 10 items. Again, we have just opened the Express lane for customers with less than 10 items.”

(Several people, including myself move over to the new lane, however we are beaten by Customer who has a cart nearly overflowing with groceries.)

Me: “You know this lane is for 10 items or less, right?”

Customer: “How was I supposed to know that?”

Me: “Well, there’s the sign posted clearly right there, or, if you’re blind, she said it twice when she made the announcement that made you race over here.”

Customer: “Oh, well, I didn’t know” *starts putting groceries on belt*

(Because it’s still faster than moving back to one of the other lines I wait for her to finish.)

Cashier: *when customer has left* “I’m very sorry about that. We’re not allowed to turn anybody away, even if they don’t have any manners.”

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Having A Rent Vent

| MI, USA | Right | November 17, 2015

(A new release has just come out that is very popular and everyone wants it. At this point in my shift, there are no more copies in the store and there haven’t been for at least two hours.)

Customer: “Do you have [New Movie] on DVD?”

Me: “We are all out right now, I’m sorry. Everyone has been excited to see it.”

Customer: “Well, don’t you have anymore in the back?”

Me: “No. As I said, they’ve all been rented already.”

Customer: “Well, you should have saved one for me.”

(I have never seen this customer before.)

Me: “Did you call and have one held for you?”

(We don’t have any being held, but if she had one that was supposed to be held, I would offer her some free movies for the inconvenience.)

Customer: “No, but if you have any being held, I’ll take one of those.”

Me: “If you didn’t call, I can’t give you someone else’s copy that did call.”

Customer: “Why not? I’m here now and want to watch it tonight.”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t have any being held, and I wouldn’t give you someone else’s movie. Is there anything else I can check out for you today?”

Customer: “No. That’s what I came here for and I want one.”

Me: “Well, obviously you can wait and see if one gets returned, but seeing as it just came out today, I’m sure no one is going to bring it back until tomorrow.”

Customer: “Can’t you call someone and tell them to bring it back?”

Me: “No, ma’am. If you don’t have anything else that you need checked out, I do have a line of other people that want to get their movies and go home.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why you didn’t save me a copy!”

Not Quite The Fastest Bullet In The Barrel

| KS, USA | Right | November 17, 2015

(I work at the firearm counter. We always keep all of our .22 ammunition in a case where our .45 handguns are. Since there’s a .22 “shortage” going on I’ve had quite a few people ask where the .22’s are. Two guys approach me.)

Customer #1: “Where’s y’alls .22?”

Me: “We keep them right over in this case.” *points at .45 case*

Customer #1: “I’m talking about bullets.”

Me: “They’re right here.” *points again*

Customer #1: *talking to me as if I am dumb* “Nooooo, those are guns. I’m looking for bullets!”

Me: “Like I said, right here.” *points again*

Customer #1: “Nooooo! I’m talking about bullets. These are guns.”

Customer #2: “Hey, look, there’s actually .22 ammo in the case.”

Customer #1: *face turns red* “Uh… oh, there is.”

Me: “I take my apologies verbally, sir.”

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