Getting Lawyered By Both Lawyers

| VA, USA | Right | July 30, 2015

Caller: “Hi, I’m the plaintiff in a lawsuit against [Our Client]. My lawyers want to charge me a lot of money, so I was wondering if you would be my lawyers instead.”

Me: “I’m… I’m sorry, are you asking us to represent you against our own client?”

Caller: “Yeah, because then you wouldn’t have to charge me any money, right? Since you’re already getting paid to do all the work by [Our Client]?”

Me: “Okay, first of all, that’s not how it works. At all. Second, we’d be sanctioned for ethics violations just for suggesting it.”

Caller: “What the f***?! My lawyer was right. You guys are a bunch of a**holes.” *click*

(Three minutes later, his lawyer calls.)

Lawyer: “Did you just offer to represent [Caller] for free?”

Me: “No, we turned him down because, as you apparently told him, we’re a bunch of a**-holes.”

Lawyer: “He said what?! Hang on.” *speaking to someone else with his hand covering the phone* “[Caller], I’m resigning as your counsel. Get the f*** out of my office.” *back to me* “I’ll be in touch about this later.” *click*

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Doubly Invalid

| Italy | Right | July 29, 2015

(We develop a software that controls the validity of lists of data against European Community databases. A prospective client calls to gather information.)

Client: “Yes, I’ve been told about your program and I’d be interested in buying it. Just a question, though.”

Me: “Sure.”

Client: “We have a very large amount of data to check so I’d really like to make these controls only for the invalid data.”

Me: “Well, the program offers a report with a summary of the controls, and you can also use the built-in filter to extract only the ones that didn’t check out.”

Client: “Okay, but how do I know which one will not check out?”

Me: “…Well, you load the data in the program and it will give you the results.”

Client: “But I have a lot of data! It will take too long! I only want to run the control for the data that will result incorrect!”

Me: “…You want to know the results BEFORE running the program?”

Client: “Yes!”

Me: “So you can take the wrong data and process it again so it can tell you once more that it’s wrong?”

Client: “Yes!”

Me: “…”

Getting Loony Over A Loonie

| Niagara Falls, NY, USA | Right | July 29, 2015

(The border crossing tolls between Canada and the US are $0.75 US; or $1.00 Canadian, which is a pretty fair exchange rate at the time.)

Toll Booth Operator: “Toll, please.”

Driver: *hands over a loonie — a Canadian $1 coin*

Toll Booth Operator: “Thank you; have a nice visit!”

Driver: *just sits there*

Toll Booth Operator: “Did you need something else? Customs is on the other side.”

Driver: “No, I’m waiting for my change.”

Toll Booth Operator: “You’re not due any change; you gave me a loonie.”

Driver: “Yes, but I’m American!”

Mugged Of Coffee Common Sense

| Adelaide, SA, Australia | Right | July 29, 2015

Me: “Good morning, sir, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “A mugachino, thanks.”

(I ring it up as a large cappuccino as we’ve figured out that’s what most customers who order a ‘mugachino’ want. After a few minutes I take the coffee to him.)

Me: “Here you go, one large cappuccino.”

Customer: “I didn’t order a cupachino! I ordered a mugachino! Where is my coffee?!”

Me: “A mugachino refers to a cappuccino in the largest cup available, sir… That is a large cappuccino.”

Customer: “I want a mugachino. Now go get me my d*** coffee!”

Me: “Of course, sir, sorry about the mix up. I’ll get that right away.”

(I walk around the corner to the coffee machine, sprinkle a bit more chocolate on top to make it look different and return with the same coffee.)

Me: “Here you go, sir. One mugachino. I must have mixed your order up with another customer.”

Customer: “About time… How hard was that? Gosh, I am never coming back here!”

They Will Be So Low When They See What Happens Next

| CT, USA | Right | July 29, 2015

(I’m checking IDs. A group of about five boys approach me.)

Me: “IDs, guys?”

(Customer #1 hands me his credit card instead of his ID.)

Me: “…This isn’t an ID.”

Customer #1: “Oh, right, sorry.” *he turns to his friends* “S***, bro, I’m sooooo high right now.”

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