Good Thing Stupid Isn’t Contagious

| CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

(I work in an ObGyn office in lab follow up. I have the unfortunate job of calling patients for positive STD results.)

Me: “Hello, may I speak to [Patient]?”

Patient: “This is her.”

Me: “I’m from Dr. [Name]’s office . Before we proceed, I need to verify I am speaking with the patient. Can you verify this information?”

(The patient proceeds to answer all verifying personal info.)

Me: “I am calling about your test results. Your results for [STD] have come back positive. It is a common infection that can easily be treated by this antibiotic. Is there a pharmacy you would prefer it be called into?”

Patient: “WTF?! YOUR TEST LIES! I know for a fact I can’t have this infection! You guys gave me birth control pills!”

Me: “I understand that this can be a very hard news to hear, but you have tested positive and we need to treat you. When we give you birth control, we make it a point to let you know it will not protect you from STDs.”

Patient: “Oh, I guess I missed that part. Does this mean he gave me diabetes, too?”

Me: “No, diabetes is not sexually transmitted.”

Patient: “I’m going to go see my regular doctor and get tested for it just in case.”

Left Holding The Bag

| QLD, Australia | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Theme Of The Month

(Many of our customers bring their own bags for their purchases, so we always ask if they need a bag before we start putting their purchases into one. A customer walks up to the register.)

Customer: “Just these today, please.”

Me: “Sure. This is a popular range! I love it, too. Do you need a bag for these?”

Customer: *sounding annoyed* “No, I said just these! I don’t want anything else!”

Me: “Oh, sorry, I wasn’t trying to sell you anything. I meant something to carry them in: a free bag, or did you bring your own?”

Customer: *sighing and rolling her eyes* “I said nothing else! Just these.”

Me: “Okay, just checking. I thought you’d misheard me. It’s fantastic so many people these days are bringing their own to help save the environment.”

Customer: “Yes…”

Me: “There’s all sorts of ones that fold up so small now; it’s best to ask as they’re often hidden away. My friend has one that folds up into a strawberry key-ring.”

Customer: “Okay…”

(I finish scanning the items and process the payment. The customer stares blankly at me.)

Me: “Um, you did say you wanted to put them in your bag?”

Customer: “I don’t have a bag. Don’t you have one?”

Me: “Sure. Sorry, I thought you said you had one. That’s what I was asking you about when you came up to the register.”

Customer: “Oh, sorry, I wasn’t listening. I suppose you get that a lot…”

Stop, Look, Don’t Listen

| Canada | Health & Body, Theme Of The Month, Transportation

(I am leaving work in an unmarked uniform as I have recently been promoted from security guard to dispatcher. I still often help out our employee-access gate guards as the access gate can be very busy. I’ve just left our dispatch center where I had called 911 for an ambulance shortly before. As I get to the gate, there is a non-employee who is dressed like a plumber waiting for his daughter to be brought out from our health center. I can also hear the ambulance approaching so I start providing traffic control to allow the ambulance quick access to the property.)

Me: *to an employee coming in to work* “Step to the side, please!”

(The employee continues to approach without stopping and the ambulance is now visible with its emergency lights flashing.)

Me: “Step to the side. SIR, STEP TO THE SIDE SO THE AMBULANCE CAN GET IN.”

(The employee runs forward, only stopping when the ambulance almost runs his foot over.)

Me: *stopping the employee* “Excuse me. Did you not understand me?”

Employee: “What do you mean?

Me: “Did you not hear me telling you to stop, and motioning you to stay where you were to let the ambulance in?”

Employee: “Yeah, and I f****** stopped, didn’t I?”

Me: “No, you didn’t. I’ll ask you again. Did you not understand me?”

Employee: “Yeah, well, you were saying one thing and motioning with your hands. It wasn’t very clear. Why should I have to stop anyway? I would have made it ahead of the ambulance!”

Me: “I asked you to stop, and you didn’t stop. Is there something that makes you special so that you don’t have to stop for an ambulance on an emergency run? Can I see your ID card, please?”

Employee: “No. Who the f*** are you, anyway?”

(At this point, I let him see my company ID card with ‘Security and Loss Prevention’ written on it as my department.)

Employee: “Well, you weren’t very clear with what you wanted. Now f****** let me get to work.”

Me: “I asked for your ID card. Please give it to me.”

Employee: No. You didn’t make yourself clear and I shouldn’t have had to stop anyway.”

(The man waiting to pick his daughter up has been listening to this whole exchange and chimes in.)

Man: “Actually, a**hole, he was very clear about what you wanted. You were just a little s*** who didn’t listen.”

Employee: “F*** you. What the f*** do you want? You’re not involved here!”

Man: “He was very clear about what he wanted you to do. You were just a snot-nosed little s***head who didn’t want to listen. You’ve been nothing but an a**hole during this entire exchange.”

(At this point they are about ready to exchange blows and every security guard at the access post is ready to jump in. The man then reaches inside his shirt and pulls out his badge as well as pulling his ID card from his pocket.)

Man: “If it was up to me, I would arrest your a** right now because you deserve it. I’m already having a bad day and snot-nosed little brats like you just make it worse. So you are going to shut up and walk through the metal detector and go to work. I will personally be calling your supervisor to tell them what a snot-nosed s***head you are and that you chose to disregard the very clear directions of park security.”

(The employee immediately showed me his ID, and then turned around and went straight into work without ever saying another word. Turned out, the ‘plumber’ was a member of a local undercover drug squad who had been called off surveillance to pick his daughter up after she got sick.)

Common Sense Isn’t In The Cards

| USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

(I work at a grocery store that has a club card for ‘extra’ savings. Two customers come up with a six-case of wine. I ring them up.)

Me: “Ma’am, do you have a club card?”

Customer #1: “What is this?! You are charging me too much! Fix it!”

Me: “If you just swipe your club card, the price will drop. Do you have one?”

Customer #1: “You are overcharging me! Give me my money!”

Me: *calmly* “Do you have a club card?”

Customer #1: “I said give me the correct price NOW!”

Me: “Ma’am, you need to put in your club card number for the discount. Do you have—”

Customer #2: “Listen, girl, just give us the correct price!” *begins screaming in unison with friend*

Me: *being interrupted every other word* “I cannot give it to you without a club card. Would you like to sign up for one?”

(Eventually, I beckon my manager over and end up using one of our spare cards to show them the discount. He smoothes things over, but not before one of them tells him that I should be more polite. He pulls me aside to ask what happened.)

Me: “They wouldn’t let me even explain that they needed a club card for their discount.”

Boss: “Well, next time, just swipe it. And remember, just because you and I have common sense doesn’t mean they do.”

Very Slow To Register

| NY, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Time

(I’m heading to the only open checkout lane of a supermarket. A man in his mid-thirties, visibly in a rush and carrying only a single carton of milk, gets there only a moment after a little old lady carrying a basket with only two items in it.)

Old Lady: “Don’t worry, young man. I’ll be done very quickly.”

Man: *fidgeting* “No problem. Take your time.”

(The cashier rings up both items. The old lady whips out a coupon.)

Cashier: “I’m sorry, but this coupon is for a different brand of this item.”

Lady: “Oh, dear. Can you send somebody to switch it out for me?”

(It’s a few minutes before a stock-boy shows up with the correct brand. The man is getting more and more antsy and frustrated as he watches the cashier void the previous item and ring up the new one.)

Cashier: “That’ll be [new total].”

Old Lady: “Oh, dear. I almost forgot. I have another coupon here.”

(It’s a manufacturer’s coupon. It doesn’t go through and takes a manager to come and help the cashier ring it in. By now the man’s face is turning red and he’s practically gnawing on his wallet out of frustration from waiting.)

Cashier: “I’m so sorry, sir. We’re almost done.”

Man: “Yep, no problem.”

Cashier: *to old lady* “Okay, the total is [newest total].”

Old Lady: *looking through her purse* “Oh, dear…” (A moment later she produces a checkbook.)

Old Lady: “Who do I make it out to?”

Man: *screaming* “God d*** it!”

(With that, he hurls the carton of milk at a wall, where it explodes and sends milk cascading all over the wall and the front of the store.  The man storms out leaving a stream of profanity in his wake. We all watch this in stunned silence. A few moments later the old lady pulls her hand out of her pocket.)

Old Lady: “Oh, never mind. Here’s a $5 bill. Had it all along! Silly me…”

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