Marriage Of The Undead

| PA, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Spouses & Partners, Zombies

(I work in a call center for a student loan servicing company. I deal with many difficult callers each day, as people get very upset over their loans. I have just spent an hour arguing with a woman as to why her loans were delinquent and I am quite frazzled.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I received a letter from you that says ”our condolences on the loss of your son.”

(I check the account. The borrower has indeed been reported as deceased and we are waiting for the death certificate in order to discharge the loans.)

Me: “Yes, sir. I am terribly sorry for your loss. Do you have any questions on the discharge process?”

Caller: “Yes. My son isn’t dead.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “Yeah, do you want to talk to him?”

Me: “Uh… yes, please.”

Caller: “Okay. Here he is.”

Son: “Hello. As far as I know, I am not dead, unless I am the first recorded instance of the zombie apocalypse.”

(At this point I start giggling helplessly. The son laughs, too.)

Son: “Out of curiosity, why do you guys think I’m dead?”

Me: “Well, sir, you were reported deceased by [Name].”

Son: “Oh. That’s my ex-wife. She must have been trying to mess up my credit. Is this going to hurt me at all?”

Me: “Not in the slightest, sir.”

Son: “Ha. Sucks to be her. Have a lovely day, miss.”

Me: “Thank you, sir. Please don’t bite anyone.”

Son: “But where’s the fun in that?”

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Morons In Disguise

| NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Technology

(I work for a large cable TV company’s call center. I get a call and my customer mentions having problems with the image looking pixelated. This company gives customers a cable box to get their channels; this is the troubleshooting target.)

Me: “Okay, I’ll be sending a signal to the box and it’ll reboot. It is possible that you see some blue screens while it does that. This completely normal.”

Customer: “Okay.”

(This cable boxes usually take 2 to 7 minutes to reboot. 12 minutes after…)

Customer: “Okay, the screen went black now. Looks like it’ll restart again.”

Me: “That won’t happen; the box is looking fine from my end. Can you please turn it on and check on the channels you had issues with?”

Customer: “I don’t know. It looks very weird…”

Me: “Does the channel look weird?”

Customer: “No, the box! It has some strange symbols on it.”

Me: “Can you describe those to me?”

Customer: “They look like alien symbols, Transformers, like! You know? Their way of writing stuff?”

(At this point of the evening, on a Saturday, after this long call and three energy drinks, I take a look outside the window to check I’m still on planet Earth.)

Me: “That’s very strange. The box is only supposed to show the time. Can you check all cables in the back of the box are not loose?”

Customer: “They’re tight! What’s going on?! What did you do?! I need my TV! Fix this NOW!”

Me: “Can you turn on the box, from the button panel in the front of it, please? It’s the last button to the right.”

Customer: “I pressed the button and nothing happened. The first symbol just changed and looks like a ‘G,’ but weird looking. You have to get this fixed!”

(Another eight minutes go by trying and trying to get the box to turn on, assuming the display screen is damaged.)

Customer: “YOU’RE USELESS! THIS WAS A WORKING BOX WITH ALL THE OTHER CHANNELS AND NOW I’VE LOST THEM ALL!”

Me: “I’m really sorry about this, is the first time I’ve seen someth—” *brief pause*

Customer: “HELLO!?”

Me: “Can you please press the first button to the left?”

Customer: “It worked! It’s on! The TV’s back! What the h*** happened?!”

Me: “Your box was upside down.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Hello?”

Customer: *click*

(I think Megatron abducted her…)

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Try To Flush This Customer From Your System

| Mankato, MN, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

(I am looking at cold medicine when a man stops me.)

Man: “Excuse me; do you know where the laxatives are?”

(Assuming he had a good reason for asking a stranger, I show him a few aisles over.)

Man: “Oh, this can’t be right… What about suppositories?”

(Very awkward items to ask for, but I find them and try to walk away.)

Man: “This goes where? Oh god! I am trying this new diet thing… But it can’t be correct.”

Me: “Well, there are some diets these days that try to ‘flush’ you out, so it’s not uncommon.”

(Visually perplexed, he sets them back and mumbles:)

Me: “I better rethink this.”

(I quickly wander to a completely different section of the store, and shortly after, he came up to me again.)

Man: “So, do you even work here?”

Me: “No, sir.”

Man: “Huh…” *he slowly walks away*

Dealing With A Smoking Gun

| CT, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior

(I work at a grocery store at the courtesy desk. Our store is relatively new and doesn’t sell cigarettes, unlike most others of the same chain. One day a woman approaches the desk.)

Me: “Hello. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, can I have a carton of Marlboro Lights?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. This [Store] does not sell cigarettes.”

Customer: *shocked and annoyed* “What? Why not?!”

Me: “The owner made the decision not to sell them before he opened this store.”

Customer: “I can’t believe this. That’s just UN-AMERICAN!”

(Her husband who was nearby hears her and walks up.)

Customer’s Husband: Hmm? What’s the matter?

Customer: “This store doesn’t sell cigarettes! Have you ever heard of that before?! It’s just un-American!”

Me: “I’m sorry for the inconvenience. There is a store in the plaza that sells cigarettes just outside here.”

Customer: “I shouldn’t have to! It’s just un-American to not sell cigarettes!”

(The customer storms off leaving me and her husband to just stare in confusion.)

Me: “Have a nice day, sir.”

Customer’s Husband: “Yeah, not when I’m out shopping with her!”

Thank You For Your Non Custom

| OK, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Theme Of The Month

(I’ve just gotten off work and run to a nearby store to pick up a few things. At work, we wear vests and leave them there after our shifts, so I’m wearing ‘normal’ clothing; a black shirt, jeans, and flats. In no way do I look like I’m working, or like I work for the store I’m shopping in.)

Other Customer: “Excuse me; can you help me find something?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t work here and this is my first time shopping here. I just saw an employee stocking in the next aisle, though. He may be able to help.”

Other Customer: “But you work at [My Store]! I saw you earlier!”

Me: “Yes…”

Other Customer: “So why won’t you help me?”

Me: “Because I’m not at work? This isn’t my store. I can’t be of assistance.”

Other Customer: “You provide terrible customer service! I’m reporting you!”

(She did indeed report me to my manager. He couldn’t stop laughing and just said that he doesn’t understand why all of the weird things only happen to me. Indeed, when the lady came through my line a few days later, she demanded that I accept a return of the items she bought at the other store where I “wouldn’t help her.” I don’t think she understands how stores work.)

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