This Scam Is Not Ready To Roll

| UK | At The Checkout, Criminal & Illegal, Liars & Scammers

(We are known for our breakfast rolls, which can have five different toppings. This morning two students walk in.)

Student #1: “Hi. I’ll have a breakfast roll please.”

Me: “Sure thing! What would you like on it?”

Student #1: “I’ll have sausage, bacon, beans, tomatoes and a hash brown.”

(I set about making his sandwich while my coworker serves his friend. They pay and I hand [Student #1] his sandwich. He opens the box, looks at his sandwich, nods, and goes upstairs. One hour later, he comes back down.)

Student #1: “There are no mushrooms on this.”

Me: “You didn’t ask for any.”

Student#1: “B****! I want my food for free!”

(This continues for a few minutes before I explain to the customer that I charged him for a five-item breakfast roll, so he didn’t pay for mushrooms. Regardless, at any point during the hour he’d been there he could have come down and asked for mushrooms, and he’d checked the sandwich before he went upstairs!)

Student #2: *laughs* “I told you it wouldn’t work!”

Fresh Out Of Fresh

| FL, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

Customer: “Is this chicken fresh?”

(I tap a huge sticker on the top of the meat case that says FRESH.)

Customer: “Does that mean it’s fresh?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “Because I only want it if it’s fresh.”

Me: “It is fresh, ma’am.”

Customer: “How fresh is it?”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “Because I only want it if it’s fresh.”

Me: “It is.”

(The case has four trays of chicken breast in it. She looks between the trays.)

Customer: “Is this chicken fresher than this chicken?”

Me: “No, I put them all in there at the same time.”

Customer: “Well, this one looks fresher than that one. Are you sure this one isn’t fresher than that one?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well this one looks fresher than that one. Can I see how fresh it is?”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “Because I only want it if it’s fresh.”

Me: “As I said, ma’am, it’s perfectly fresh.”

Customer: “Can you get me the chicken that’s the most fresh? This one looks the most fresh. Definitely more fresh than that one. Can you get me the freshest one?”

Me: “Absolutely. I know all about being fresh.”

Customer: “Great!”

(I grab the nearest chicken breasts and put two in a bag for her, seal it, price it, and hand it to her.)

Customer: “This is the freshest, right? More fresh than the other ones?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “Because I only want it if it’s fresh.”

Me: “I can assure you that I’ve been as fresh with you as I can get away with, ma’am.”

Customer: “Great!”

(She pays and walks out the door.)

Coworker: “Jesus shoe-shining Christ, how many times did that lady say the word ‘fresh’?”

Me: *shrugging* “I was really trying not to use a different F-word with her.”

Keeping Borders Secure And Identity Insecure

| CO, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Top

(I am waiting in line, the next to be up, when I hear this a customer start shouting about how she refuses to show ‘some Mexican’ her ID in order to purchase something.)

Customer: “I don’t know where you get off asking to see MY ID! I don’t ask to see your green card!”

Employee: “Your credit card doesn’t have a signature on it, so I have to get an ID or I can’t let you use it.”

Customer: “This is so rude! I cannot believe you people are even allowed to ask for it, for ANY REASON!”

(Having had enough, and just wanting to buy my videogame, I start walking towards the customer.)

Me: “Ma’am, what’s the problem here?!”

Customer: “This illegal wants to see my ID!”

Me: “She’s obviously not illegal, but if you don’t want her to see your ID, then maybe you can just let me see both cards and I’ll verify it to her?”

Customer: “That’s fine. A nice American boy doing the right thing. Thank you.”

(The clerk hands me the credit card, and the woman hands me her ID. I look at them and nod to the clerk. I don’t hand the lady back her ID, though.)

Me: “So… your name’s [Name].”

Customer: “Yes, that’s right.”

Me: “You live at [Address]?”

Customer: “That’s what the ID says.”

Me: “Do you know my name?”

Customer: “Uh, huh? No, I don’t. Of course not. Don’t be silly. We just met.”

Me: “Do you know my address?”

Customer: “Well, obviously I wouldn’t. What’s your point?”

Me: “[Full Name] who lives at [Address], why would you give me your ID without knowing who I am, what I want, or what I would do with it? I know who you are and where you live now.”

(The customer just stares at me, speechless as I hand her back the card and the clerk gives her the items she came in to buy.)

Me: “Oh, and by the way – I’m Italian, so think about how badly you just screwed up as you walk back to your car. I’m not saying I would change my locks. I’m just saying I’d be smarter about things!”

Mother Knows Best And All

| New York, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Family & Kids

(A somewhat well-known professional athlete and minor celebrity is making a home-delivery order. He is with an older woman.)

Me: “Did you find everything all right today?”

Customer: *grunts*

Me: “Can you please fill out this form for delivery?”

Customer: *grunts*

Me: “Your address where you’d like it delivered?”

Customer: “Uh…” *turns to woman* “Mom, what’s my address?”

(Gives address.)

Me: “… and your signature?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “Signature. Autograph?”

Customer: “Uh, oh, right!”

Me: “Can you please provide you cell phone number for the delivery?”

Customer: “Um…”

Me: “Your cell number?”

Customer: “Mom, what’s my cell phone number?”

Not Game For The Games

| Canberra, ACT, Australia | Bizarre, Technology, Theme Of The Month

(A lovely, little old lady is wandering around the game store where I work. She picks up a copy of ‘Empires’ and turns to me.)

Customer: “What is this?”

Me: “It is a turn based strategy game. You control an army, the opponent controls an army, and you take turns to—”

Customer: “Yes, but what is it?”

Me: “Well, it’s kind of like the game ‘Risk.’ There are some games that happen in ‘real time,’ where you and the opponent move at the same time, but this one—”

Customer: “Yes, but is it a book, a CD, a board game?”

Me: “It’s a computer game, madam. This is a computer game shop.”

Customer: “Oh…”

(She wanders off, picks up another game, and asks another sales associate.)

Customer: “What is this?”

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