You Can Hear The Irony From Here

| Auckland, New Zealand | Bizarre, Health & Body

(I work in the call centre for an insurance company. The caller I am speaking to is an elderly gentleman who has called to make sure his new hearing aids are covered under his policy.)

Me: “Yes, hearing aids are fully covered under your contents policy. And the good news is that if you have to make a claim, you won’t have to pay an excess.”

Caller: “What was that, dear?”

Me: “If you need to make a claim for your hearing aids you won’t have to pay any excess.”

Caller: “No, I still didn’t get that.”

Me: *nearly shouting* “IF YOU NEED TO CLAIM FOR YOUR HEARING AIDS IT WON’T COST YOU ANYTHING! WE’LL REPLACE THEM FOR FREE!”

Caller: *cheerfully* “You must be thinking; ‘why hasn’t he got the f****** things in?'”

The Key Tipped Them Off

| Las Vegas, NV, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Extra Stupid, Liars & Scammers

(I work in a licensee location of a popular shop, meaning it’s inside of a bigger store. After I have closed and mopped, I go to put the mop away in the back room. I notice a young man walk up to my shop and eye me as I walk away, but I don’t think anything of it. When I come back, I notice he has reached around the counter to grab the key to our bolted-down tip jar and is fumbling to get it off.)

Me: “Hello. Can I help you?”

Customer: *quickly hides the key behind his back and grabs a gift card on display* “Yeah. I was just wondering how much you can put on a gift card?”

Me: “I don’t know. I think it’s as much as you want. Can I have the key back, please?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: *peeking around his back* “The key, please.”

Customer: “Oh! Um… sorry.”

(The customer hands me the key back, acting like he didn’t realize he even had it, before walking away. When I go back behind the counter, he felt obligated to come back and tell me that he found the key somewhere else and was trying to return it! Smooth move, pal.)

Rebirth And Return

| Seattle, WA, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Top

(I am working behind the counter at a high end department store when a customer comes up with a bundled up wad of faded fabric under her arm.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I need to return this dress I just bought. It doesn’t fit right.”

Me: “No problem. Do have the tags or receipt?”

Customer: “Of course! Here.”

(She hands me what I’ve asked for. They’re both incredibly old; the paper is actually yellow with age. The brand of the dress is one we haven’t carried in years.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t return this.”

Customer: “What are you talking about? This store always takes returns!”

Me: “This dress is too old for me to return.”

Customer: “Impossible! I only bought it a few months ago. I live far away so I haven’t had a chance to return it until now. Here, I even have the business card of the woman who sold it to me.”

(She hands me the business card, which, while legitimate, has the company’s old logo which was switched out in 2000. It is now 2012.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but the sale is too old for the computer to recognize. I can’t return it.”

Customer: “This is unbelievable! I just bought this dress and it looks awful on me so I want to return it.”

Me: “This receipt is from 1985. You bought this dress before I was born.”

Now Has Self-Scanning Under Their Belt

| PA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

(I am working the self-scans when I see a customer put some grapes on the electronic scale and enter the produce number.)

Self-Scan: “Place your item on the belt.”

(The customer leaves the grapes on the scale.)

Self Scan: “If you wish to purchase this item, please place it on the belt.”

(The customer still keeps the grapes on the scale.)

Self-Scan: “Please remove all items and try again.”

(After the self-scan says this, the customer takes the grapes off the scale and places it on the belt. The customer then tries to scan another item but nothing happens.)

Self-Scan: “Please remove all items from the front belt.”

(The customer takes the grapes off the belt, places them on the scale and re-enters the produce. Once again, when the customer is told to move her item to the belt, she leaves it on the scale. She then takes the grapes from the scale and places it on the belt. Confused about what is happening, she calls me over.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I keep trying to purchase these grapes but every time I put them on the belt, it tells me to take it off.”

(I put the customer’s grapes on the scale, enter the produce number, and place them on the belt when I’m told.)

Customer: “What did you do?”

Me: “I entered your grapes, weighed them, and placed them on the belt when told to.”

Customer: “But that’s what I did.”

Me: “Actually, what you did was put them on the belt after the self-scan told you to remove them.”

Customer: “So when do I put them on the belt?”

Me: “The first time it tells you to.”

Customer: “So when the self-scan tells me to put something on the belt, that’s when I do it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “You learn something new every day!”

Anti-Bigotry Bigotry

| Myrtle Beach, SC, USA | Bigotry, Family & Kids

(I am a male host at my father’s restaurant. My very flamboyant boyfriend has come to pick me up at the end of my shift.  I need to seat the customers first, so I asked him to step out of line.)

Customer: “How dare you!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “That boy wants to eat in this restaurant, and you’re refusing him service because he’s gay?! Let me speak to your boss!”

(I go and fetch my dad, who’s having a hard time keeping the smile off his face.)

Dad: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “That host is a homophobe! He asked that gay boy to move so he could seat the rest of us! I demand that you fire him!”

Dad: “First of all, that’s my son, and—”

Customer: “I guess you’re homophobic, too, then.  Huh? Did you teach him that homosexuality is wrong and disgusting?”

(She continues shouting abuse for a few minutes. My dad patiently waits until she was done talking.)

Dad: “Second of all, the gay boy he supposedly refused service to is his boyfriend, who is here to pick my son up for their date.”

Customer: “Oh, uh…”

(She politely apologized to all three of us, and told my boyfriend and me to have fun on our date. Moral of the story: Don’t assume that everything you see is a hate crime!)

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