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The Bare Truth Is A Little Embarrassing

, , , , , | Working | November 5, 2021

The program our company uses to track customers, invoices, etc., recently had an upgrade. Several customers have notified us that they no longer have access to their own accounts.

I go to the website and start a “chat” to see what can be done.

Me: “I’ve had many customers call or email to say they can’t log in. I don’t seem to have access to usernames or passwords through the back end anymore, so I can’t help.”

Chat Operator: “Can you give me a customer’s name so I can look at a specific account?”

Me: “Sure. The last fellow was [Customer].”

Chat Operator: “Okay, bare with me.”

I smirk a bit.

Chat Operator: “I do see that they are not registered in the system.”

Me: “Yes. But they were before the system upgrade. Now they can’t get back in, and I can’t seem to register them directly, either.”

Chat Operator: “I’m going to look into this a little further. Please bare with me.”

We don’t end up getting the issue resolved. The chat operator lets me know that a report will be submitted and I’ll be contacted once there is a solution.

Me: “Thanks. I appreciate that. Just so you know, since this is a typed communication, the phrase you are looking for is ‘Bear with me.’ ‘Bare with me’ suggests we should both disrobe. I don’t think that was what you were going for.”

Chat Operator: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Absolutely sure.”

Chat Operator: “I type that all the time!”

Me: “I’d suggest you change it. You know, bear it in mind.”

The People-Are-Gross Crisis Has Been Going On For Centuries

, , , , , , , | Working | October 22, 2021

I’m introduced to some new staff who have transferred into the project team. There is a bit of awkwardness as no one knows whether to shake hands, bump elbows, or what.

One of the new guys puts his hand out to shake mine.

Me: “I won’t, if you don’t mind.”

New Guy: “Oh, come on. [Disease] is not even around anymore.”

It certainly is.

Me: “I’ll refrain, thanks.”

New Guy: “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not infected! Just shake my hand!”

Me: “Oh, it has nothing to do with [disease]. I just saw you walk out of the bathroom without washing your hands.”

Cue a moment of awkwardness as everyone who had shaken hands with him quietly considered cleaning theirs. Seriously, wash your hands, people! Crisis or no crisis!

This story is part of our Best Of October 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of October 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of October 2021 roundup!

Endive Dive Dive!

, , , , , , | Right | November 9, 2021

Customer: “Hey, do y’all have that… What’s the lettuce that sounds like a submarine?”

Employee #1: “Like a submarine? Uh… oh! There’s Bibb lettuce right here.”

Customer: “No, no, sorry… It’s not lettuce. It’s a kind of leafy green, but I just can’t get the name. It sounds like a submarine.”

Employee #2: “Right here. Arugula.”

Customer: “That’s what it’s called, thanks!”

Employee #1: *After the customer leaves* “Wow, I would never have gotten that. He said submarine and I was like…” *making a face like a fish and pretending to blow bubbles* “…bibb, bibb, bibb!”

Employee #2: “No, it’s…” *imitating a klaxon* “…ah-ROOOO-gula.”

When A Crappy Solution Isn’t

, , , , , , , | Friendly | October 19, 2021

One of the reasons we bought our home was the uninterrupted views of the lake it sat on. In spring, we watched the ducklings grow and flowers spring up; in winter, it was a beautiful white backdrop that we would walk in the snow.

Unfortunately, this was largely disrupted by someone parking their rusty old van on the grass, directly blocking our view. We tried asking — there were plenty of other actual spaces. We also tried getting help from the council, but they didn’t care. Nothing worked.

Then, I came up with a plan. I left one last note on the van, asking them to be neighbourly; if they moved just a few meters along, they wouldn’t block anyone. But I found the note on the ground screwed up, so that was that.

Every day, I would go to the van and scatter birdseed, and in the tree nearby I hung bird feeders. I had different types of food for all the local birds, and I applied it liberally.

For weeks, I did this and the van sat there. Eventually, it was covered in bird poo. The driver stopped parking there afterward.

This story is part of our Best Of October 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of October 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of October 2021 roundup!

It Always Pays To Be Polite

, , , | Right | October 29, 2021

I take calls for doctors, plumbers, security companies, etc., after hours. Normally, when I finish the call, the client tells me to have a good day, and I always respond with the classic, “Thank you. You, too.”

Me: “Thank you for holding. I understand there’s an issue with medication. Was the prescription not signed, dosage incorrect, or just not there?”

Caller: “The office said they’d call this in after the doctor finished surgery! I’ve been waiting since one for this medication. I need you to page the doctor!”

This account allows requests for medications, just not narcotics. After letting her know her doctor’s rules, she doubles down.

Caller:He’s done it for me before! He knows me personally. I spoke with the office well before closing and they promised!

After she realizes that I am absolutely not giving her what she wants:

Caller: “Thanks for nothing! Go f*** yourself!”

And in my infinite wisdom, my little monkey brain responds:

Me: “Thank you! You, too!”