Doesn’t Drink, Period

| Scotland, UK | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Top

(I’m second in a queue to pay and the customer in front of me is an older lady wanting a bottle of whiskey. They are kept behind the counter. The owner of the store is a very polite Muslim gentleman in traditional dress. I love this store; it has a little bit of everything and the owner has a great sense of humour. The woman is asking lots of questions about the strength of the whiskey and the prices.)

Customer: “But what about the Glen Moray? What percentage is that?”

Owner: “Its 40.”

Customer: “And the price?”

Owner: “£20.”

Customer: “And the Jameson?”

Owner: “It’s also 40% and £20.”

Customer: “And how much is the Teachers?”

Owner: “£20.”

Customer: “But is it stronger?”

Owner: “No, it’s 40% as well.”

(Each time she asks about a whiskey the owner has to climb up a little ladder to check and he’s not a young gentleman. But he does it smiling all the time.)

Customer: “What’s that there? Canadian Club?”

Owner: “Yes it is also £20 and 40% proof.”

Customer: “I just don’t know. What do they taste like? Which one’s the nicest?”

(I should point out at this point that it became obvious that this lady was not a connoisseur. But was looking for the strongest whiskey to add to the 4 bottles of cheap strong wine she had in her basket.)

Owner: “I’m sorry. I do not drink so I don’t know the taste.”

Customer: *looking disgusted* “How on earth can you sell alcohol when you don’t even drink?”

Me: *taps lady on shoulder* “Well, he sells tampons, too. I hope you don’t expect him to use them!”

(The customer quietly pays and leaves.)

Someone Got The Crazy Card

| USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Hotels & Lodging, Money

Customer: “Check-in, please.”

Me: “Okay. ID and credit card…”

(The customer takes both out and starts to hand them over, but then hesitates.)

Customer: “Okay…”

(She hands them over and I swipe her card and check her ID, then hand them back.)

Customer: “What did you do just then?!”

Me: “I… uh… swiped your card.”

Customer: “Your computer just read my information!”

Me: “Yep.”

Customer: *panicking* “That means that now my credit card number is on your computer! How do I KNOW that you won’t take it and go off on a shopping spree?!”

Me: “We don’t do that, ma’am.”

Customer: “How do I KNOW you all won’t?! I don’t know you! I don’t know any of you all!”

Me: “Because if we did, we’d get fired…”

Customer: “…”

Me: “And none of us want to lose our jobs over that…”

Customer: *looks unconvinced*

Me: “Plus, identity theft is a crime so we’d go to jail?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “So, none of us want to go to jail. Because… it’s full of… crazy people.”

Customer: “…Fine. I guess I trust you!”

Can Tell You Are Closed With My Eyes Closed

| Victoria, BC, Canada | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

(I am at the end of my nine-hour shift as a cashier on a busy Saturday, and am just finishing up with the last customer in my line. My register’s light is off, there is a closed sign at the end of my belt, and my last customer has kindly put up a large closed sign that stretches across the entrance of the lane and blocks access to my till.)

Customer #1: *as I ring up his items* “You look tired. You must be excited to go home?”

Me: “Yes. It’s been a long day.”

(I look up to see a customer climbing over the large closed sign, nearly tripping and spilling his overflowing basket of the items, and heading towards my belt.)

Me: “Sir! I’m sorry but my till is closed.”

Customer #2: “Well, how was I supposed to know that?”

Customer #1: “Seriously?”

In The Place Of No Return

| TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology, Top

(An older person walks into the store with their gaming laptop.)

Employee: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I have a virus on my computer. I had antivirus software, so I want to return it.”

Employee: “Did you update your antivirus software?”

Customer: “I shouldn’t have to. They should include every virus!”

Employee: “New viruses come out every day. Can I see your receipt?”

Customer: *hands over receipt*

Employee: “This is from [Competitor].”

Customer: “So? You sell computers. You should take it back. And you have pay me $100 for every hour I spend downloading my games again. I have DIALUP!”

Employee: “You will need to return this to [Competitor].”

Customer: “They said no.”

Employee: “Would you like a new computer?”

Customer: “I’d like to speak to your manager.”

Employee: “I’m the manager.”

Customer: “You have horrible customer service.”

Employee: “That’s because I reserve it for CUSTOMERS.”

EBT For HBO

| CT, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Money, Movies & TV

(A customer has called to make a payment with a credit card.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, your bill total is [amount]. What credit card will you be using today?”

Caller: “My credit card number is…”

(The caller starts reading off a credit card number that starts with the number 5, which is a Mastercard, but I notice that what she is reading is over 16 digits long.)

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but the credit card number you gave me is too long. Is it a Master Card?”

Customer: “No, it’s EBT.”

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