His Drink Is Not Refreshing

, | England, UK | Right | December 2, 2015

Me: “Afternoon, sir. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Umm, yes… I’d like a drink.”

Me: “Certainly, sir, what can I get for you? Alcoholic or non?”

Customer: “Do you sell green tea with lemon in a bottle?”

Me: “Afraid we don’t, sir. I can suggest [Newsagents] just next door as they may sell it, but I’m not sure.”

Customer: “Uh, okay.”

(Ten minutes later, the same customer returns:)

Customer: “Do you sell green tea with lemon in a bottle yet?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, we still don’t carry that. I can make you a hot green tea and lemon?”

Customer: “No, thanks. I’ll keep my options open.”

Me: “Okay… Bye.”

(He came back twice more with the same request all within the hour!)

I’d Like To Disorder Some Food

| England, UK | Right | December 2, 2015

(To order food you order at the counter with your table number. Our pub is circular so it is easy to see which direction customers come from, which can be helpful when they don’t know their table number.)

Me: “Hi! How can I help?”

Customer: “Hello! I’d like to order some food!”

(Normally at this point I ask their table number, but she has a list and immediately ignores me when I start to ask her, and starts reading instead.)

Customer: “I’ll have two soups, please—”

Me: “Is that broccoli and Stilton, or tomato?”

Customer: “Oh I’m not sure, I’ll just check!”

(She dashes off, leaving her purse on the bar with me, so I place it closer to the till where it’s not so obvious. I generally don’t like people doing this as anyone can pinch it if it’s obscured by the till. She comes back.)

Customer: “Tomato, please! Oh, I suppose you want to know our table number?” *begins walking away again leaving her purse*

Me: “No! That’s okay; just tell me where you’re sitting.”

Customer: “The first booth.”

(Our first booth is table one, then table two/three are normal tables. Four and five are also booths. I put her down as table one.)

Me: “Okay, what else can I get for you?”

Customer: “I’ll have the chicken wrap, please—”

Me: “Okay, we have four different chicken wraps.”

(I explain them all to her. She doesn’t know.)

Customer: “Oh, sorry, hang on!”

(She runs back to her table to ask, again leaving her purse. This time I watch her. She is seated at table four, not one. I change her table number.)

Customer: “That’ll be [Wrap #2], just plain.”

(At this point I’m wary of asking her anything else, so I put a message saying ‘sauce on side.’)

Me: “Anything else for you on there?”

(She proceeds to give me an order with four more meals and then adds drinks. She doesn’t know who wants ice and questions me about which drink is which, etc.)

Customer: *waving the list* “Well, it’s a good thing I wrote it all down!”

Me: *in my head* “If only you actually had written it all down.”

(I carry on serving and a few minutes later she pops back up.)

Customer: “Oh, I gave you the wrong table number!”

Me: “Don’t worry. I changed it already so it’ll be fine. Thanks.” *in my head* “Please don’t let anything be wrong on that order!”

Not Yelping His Cause

| CA, USA | Right | December 2, 2015

(In self-storage, a tenant is required to give notice BEFORE their due date. Every summer we get the students who store dorm stuff while they go back home.)

Tenant: “Hi, I’m closing out my storage today.”

Me: “Oh, let me pull you up… Did you schedule your move out?”

Tenant: “Uh… no.”

Me: “I’m afraid you’re eight days past your due date, and your automatic payment went through on your due date.”

(We specifically tell new tenants that they have to give notice, and if the payment is made there are absolutely no refunds… It’s printed in block letters on the lease they sign!)

Tenant: *now very upset* “Well, if you don’t refund my money RIGHT NOW, I’ll go on Yelp and give you a one-star review!”

Me: “Huh, see that bank of video feeds above me?” *points at our security system* “Well, they also record sound. What you just threatened is actually called EXTORTION. Would you like to call the police, or shall I do it for you?”

Tenant: “Uh… uh… I was just kidding, man…” *laughs nervously* “Everything’s okay; I’ll be leaving now!”

(Our camera system doesn’t record audio, and we got a five-star review from the kid!)

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When They Don’t Get What They Want They Cause A Stink

| Chicago, IL, USA | Right | December 2, 2015

(I am working at the counter of a bowling alley inside of a busy shopping mall when a older man in his 70s walks in:)

Older Man: “Hi. Where are your bathrooms, young man?”

(I point down the hall at the sign that says “restrooms”. He walks down and I continue my side-work. About 15 minutes later the older man comes back up to my counter.)

Older Man: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Yes, what can I do for you?”

Older Man: “I hope you have somebody here with a strong constitution to clean up in there.”

(Looking very proud of himself he walks out of the alley and back into the mall. I then walk into the men’s room to see what he is talking about. The older man had defecated all over the floor, walls, toilet bowl lid, handicap rail, and anything else in the stall. I quickly run out and put a closed sign over the men’s room. I go to my manager and explain what had happened and he starts laughing hysterically.)

Manager: “Dude! I can’t believe he did it again! This old man has done this twice before. He refused to pay [amount] for bowling shoes for his grandson when we first opened and now has gotten back at us by doing this.”

Me: “So what should I do about this? It’s horrific in there.”

Manager: “Just leave it. I’ll have [Store Manager] do it. He’s the one who was making the old man buy shoes in the first place.”

I Am He As You Are He As You Are Me And We Are All Together

| SA, Australia | Right | December 2, 2015

(I work in a shoe repair shop, not far from our watch repair shop.)

Customer: “Excuse, are you the same as him?”

Me: “I don’t understand the question. Are you asking if I am him?”

Customer: “Yes. Are you him?”

Me: “You’re asking me if I am that person over there?”

Customer: “Yes, are you him?”

Me: “No, I am not him. I am me.”

(The customer walked away looking sad.)

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