Poor Memory

| PA, USA | At The Checkout, Books & Reading, Money, Top

(We are having a book drive for a local school that has had a terrible fire, causing it to lose its entire library. When customers come up, we are allowed to tell them about the drive and ask if they would like to donate. If not, it is okay, but we ask just the same.)

Me: “Would you like to donate a book to the St. [Name] book drive?” *I clearly explain their situation*

Customer: “No, I don’t give money to poor people. If they want money, they have to work for it like the rest of us. I don’t like lazy layabouts.”

(I am about to remind the customer that it was a fire, when the customer’s husband interjects.)

Customer’s Husband: “Do you really feel that way, dear? I wonder if you felt this way 27 years ago when we had an infant, no jobs, no money, and had to ask my parents for an allowance so we could live. Now that we have money in the bank, a Volvo in the driveway, and a designer handbag on your arm, suddenly we are too good to help others?”

(The husband then turns to me.)

Customer’s Husband: “Are these the books you are selling?”

(The husband indicates a pile we have beside the register. I nod, dumbfounded.)

Customer’s Husband: “We will take them all.”

Say No To A CEO

| Montreal, QC, Canada | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Technology

(I am alone when an older man walks in from the cold.)

Customer: “So, where is it!?”

Me: “The new Blackberry? Right there on display!”

Customer: “How much is it?”

Me: “It is [price] on a three-year term.”

Customer: “But without a plan?”

Me: “Well, we only do term plans.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(He starts to leave, and has one hand on the door and starts to push it open. Suddenly, he turns back to me.)

Customer: “At what monthly rate?”

Me: “Well, they start at [price].”

Customer: “What does that give!? Seven-Bajillion minutes!? I am [name], the CEO of [Wholesale Warehouse]. You don’t know who walks through those doors! It’s your job to create interest in the product!”

Me: “Sir, you were not interested in obtaining a plan, and were halfway out the door.”

Customer: “You have to keep me in the store! You’re f****** terrible!”

Me: “Excuse me!?”

Customer: “What? Excuse me what!?”

Me: “You swore at me. I don’t accept that.”

Customer: “F***! F***! This is Canada! I can swear all the f*** I want! I stayed at Richard Branson’s private island! You are f****** incompetent! You can’t do your f****** job, and are f****** horrible at it too! I don’t know what the f*** you are doing here!”

Me: “Leave. Now.”

Customer: “Not like I was going to stay!”

Jellyfishing For Giggles

| USA | Geeks Rule, Theme Of The Month, Top

(I work third shift as a cashier in a major retail chain. To keep everything running smoothly, all third shift cashiers are trained for running the service desk and answering the phone. It is spring break and there has been an increase of prank phone calls.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [large retail store]; how may I assist you?”

Caller: *giggling and unintelligible gibberish*

Me: “Sorry, what was that?”

Caller: “Is this the Krusty Krab?”

Me: *deadpan voice* “No, this is Patrick.”

Caller: *fits of laughter* “Thank you! You made my night!”

New Degrees Of Stupidity

| WA, USA | Canada, Math & Science

(I work in a clothing store at an outlet mall where we get a lot of Canadian customers. It was particularly cold on the day this occurred. Two teenage girls walk into my store.)

Me: “Hey, how are you girls doing this morning? Are you staying warm?”

Girl #1: “We’re trying!”

Me: “When I came into the store from my car this morning, it was 18 degrees! That’s FREEZING!”

Girl #1: “Yeah it is… Wait, how did you know we were from Canada?”

Me: “…I didn’t…”

Girl #1: “But how did you know we needed Celsius instead of Fahrenheit?”

Me: “Uh… that was Fahrenheit.”

Girl #2: *laughs at her friend* “Wow! Now this girl probably thinks we’re stupid! Good job!”

No Common Scents

| North Riverside, IL, USA | Funny Names, Health & Body

(I work at a store that specializes in body-care; lotions, perfumes, shower gel, all that good smelling stuff. I’m at the register, and three customers come up to check out.)

Me: “Hi ladies, did you find everything you were looking for today?”

(All three of them ignore me for the most part, save for some brief nods. Eventually, as I’m ringing up their purchase, they start talking amongst themselves about their purchases.)

Customer #1: “What fragrance is this?”

Customer #2: “It’s Pink Chiggon; it says right on the label!”

Customer #1: “Chiggon? I can’t read that!”

Customer #2: “It’s right there on the label, girl!”

Customer #3: “It’s not Chiggon, it’s CHITTOF.”

Customer #1: “Chittof?”

Customer #3: “Yea!”

(All this time, I’ve been ringing them up in silence and ever-growing amusement. Finally, I decide to pipe up.)

Me: “Ma’am, it’s Pink Chiffon.”

All Three: “That’s what I said!”