Out For Dinner Is Out Of The Question

| PA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

(I work as a cashier, and we’re supposed to stand in front of our registers if we’re open and waiting for a customer. As I’m doing this, an elderly man eyes me and walks over.)

Me: “Hello, sir! Can I help you with something?”

(The man proceeds to get way too far into my personal space. I’m mildly autistic, so I’m repressing a panic attack at this point.)

Elderly Man: “You can take me out to dinner tonight.”

Me: “Um, I don’t think my boyfriend would be too pleased about that.”

Elderly Man: “It’s okay. He can come too.”

Me: “Well, I’m working the closing shift tonight, then he’s picking me up, So, tonight doesn’t work, anyway.”

Elderly Man: “Ah, that’s too bad.”

(Not only am I getting creepy vibes from this guy, but his breath smells terrible. It’s all I can do to keep a pleasant smile on my face and not duck under my register.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?”

Elderly Man: *remaining way too close and gesturing to the customer service desk* “Oh, no, I’m just waiting for my wife.”

Has A False Sense Of Security

| NM, USA | Extra Stupid, Money, Theme Of The Month

(I work outside of an ATM at night. I drive a company vehicle with the word SECURITY and the company phone number on both sides. One night a woman pulls up to the ATM. She sits in her car for a few minutes, and I can’t see through the tinted windows. Eventually the door flies open, and she runs as fast as she can into the small room where the ATM is. I can’t actually see the ATM or what she’s doing until she comes back to the door, but she comes to the door, leans against it, and watches me intently. I don’t do anything, but I know where this is going. After a few minutes and realizing I don’t want to waste the police’s time, I move the car to a parking spot (passing the bank door so she can see the side of the car), and get out of the car. As soon as I open the car door, she bolts as fast as she can from the bank into her car. Then she rolls down the window an inch, sees me (in a security uniform, with a badge on it) and screams:)


(I never heard anything more about this incident, so she must not have called, but I can’t understand how she saw the number, but not the SECURITY written right above it.)

Gotta Hand It To Him

| Campbellton, NB, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(There is a really creepy guy who comes into our store almost every day. He usually just chats with the female staff, telling us all how sexy we are and inviting us over for coffee, and is generally harmless. One day near Halloween I am on a ladder stocking a shelf when I feel someone rubbing my backside. I jump, nearly falling off my ladder, and turned around in time to see the creepy customer, smiling strangely at me.)

Me: “Excuse me. Did you just touch my bottom?”

Customer: “Who, me? No. No, not me.”

Me: “I’m sure someone just touched me, and you were right there. Did you see who it might have been?”

(The customer then holds up a rubber decorative hand from the Halloween department and looks me dead in the eye.)

Customer: “It was him… I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! IT WAS THE HAND! Unless you liked it…” *winks at me* “…then it was me.”

(He walks out holding the fake hand above his head, the whole time shouting to nobody in particular.)

Customer: “It was the hand! Not me, but the hand! Come over for coffee and see what my hand can do!

(We didn’t even bother to stop him from walking out without paying for it. The $2 just wasn’t worth it.)

Giving Your Life’s Account

| Rexburg, ID, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Theme Of The Month

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. I am [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to cancel my account.”

(Everything is going normal until I tell him he is cancelled. Normally I ask if there’s anything else, the customer says “no” and they hang up. Instead this gentleman begins discussing a pyramid scheme his son is running that he’s been putting money in. He keep telling me details hoping I’ll join. I am creeped out and refusing to provide personal answers while giving non-committal answers. Eventually I realize that he doesn’t care what I say, so I put him on mute.)

Customer: “Yeah, and the government will never help. I know because I’m a veteran. My son is a great businessman. It’s hard to get returns like this! I’ll be a millionaire soon!”


Customer: “What time is it?”

Me: “It’s [time].”

Customer: “Well, I should probably go. But I’ll tell my son that I told you about it. What was your name again?”

Me: “It’s [Really Common First Name]. Have a good day, sir.”

Customer: “I will. And thank you for listening to a crazy old man! I don’t have a job any more, so I get really lonely. You have a good day, and find someone so you aren’t lonely!”

Needs To Pour Oil Over Troubled Water

| LA, USA | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Technology, Transportation

Customer: “I need to know where the motor oil is.”

(I tell her, but she comes back to the counter with a bottle of transmission fluid.)

Me: “Ma’am, that’s not oil. It’s transmission fluid.”

Customer: “What do you know about it? You’re a girl. Just ring me up.”

(I ring her up. She pays and goes outside, pops the hood of her car, and gets on the phone. Two minutes later, she’s back.)

Customer: “I needed oil. You sold me the wrong thing. I need to exchange this.”

Me: “Okay. Do you need some help? It’s slow. I can do this for you.”

Customer: “What, do you think you know about cars? I’m on the phone with my husband and he knows more about it than you do. Just do the d*** exchange so I can get some oil.”

(I do the exchange. She comes back up with oil.)

Me: “Ma’am, that’s 50 weight. You don’t want that, you want 40 weight.”

Customer: “This is what my husband said to get.”

Me: “Oookay. Are you sure you wouldn’t like me to help?”

Customer: “No. You’re a girl and you don’t know what you’re talking about. My husband works for [Company] and he knows way more about it than some clerk!”

Me: “Well, maybe he does, Ma’am, but he’s not here.”

Customer: “Just ring me up.”

Me: “Okay, if you’re sure you don’t need help.”

Customer: “I don’t need your help.”

Me: “Yes, Ma’am. You have a nice day, now.”

Customer: “Whatever.”

(I watch through the front window as she went back to her SUV and smugly poured her oil… into her radiator. I wonder what her husband said when her engine blew up halfway across the causeway.)

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