Mocking Beliefs Will Cost You

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Money

Customer: “Hey, how much is this?”

(I don’t know the price either, but there is a haphazardly placed sign in front of the item that vaguely matches its description.)

Me: *looking at sign* “I believe it’s $49.99.”

Customer: “You BELIEVE? Can you go check the actual price?”

Me: “Why certainly, sir.”

(I grab the item and bring it to a cash register to scan it. It comes up as $89.99.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I checked the price for you. It’s actually $89.99.”

Customer: “What?! But that sign says $49.99!”

Me: “But sir, you very obviously had doubts about this sign, because you asked me for the price.”

Customer: “But you even said it was $49.99!”

Me: “No sir, I said that I BELIEVED it to be $49.99. You didn’t like that answer, so I went to check the price like you’ve asked me to. All I’ve done was follow your directions.”

Customer: “D*** it! Me and my big mouth!”

(He still bought it, though. After all, isn’t the customer ‘always right’?)

Getting Sick Of This Call

| BC, Canada | Crazy Requests, Health & Body, Liars & Scammers

(I work at a call centre for a rental company. We are open quite late so keep in mind that it’s around midnight at this point.)

Me: “Thank you for calling—”

Caller: “I insist that you rush through the call as I can’t hold the phone for extended periods due to medical reasons!”

Me: “Oh, okay. First I’ll need some information—”

Caller: “No, no! That’s a waste of time! I insist that you refund me right away. And if you don’t I’m going to sue you and the company for my injuries because you’re taking too long!”

(She also ‘had a seizure’ while on the call because my voice was too high pitched…)

Wifitis

| Overland Park, KS, USA | Extra Stupid, Liars & Scammers, Spouses & Partners, Technology

(I work at a busy computer and electronics store. A customer approaches me in the printer section.)

Customer: “I’d like to buy a wifi disabled printer.”

Me: “Ah, do you mean a wifi enabled printer?”

Customer: “No. I want to buy a printer but it can’t have wifi.”

(I acquiesce and spend some time showing her a few different lines, explaining what each can do. None of them are satisfactory, since any modern consumer-level printer with decent features has built in wifi. Sensing her frustration, I show her a newer model. She’s pretty much sold but I tell her wifi is built in but that she can disable it if she’s worried about security.)

Customer: “No no. It’s not about security. It doesn’t matter if it can be disabled. We can’t risk having wifi in the printer at all.”

Me: “Not to pry, but why is it so important that the printer doesn’t have built-in wifi?”

Customer: “My husband is very sensitive to wireless electronic signals. He gets extreme headaches when exposed to them even for a short period of time. That’s why he’s standing over there.” *points to a smiling man standing about twenty feet away*

Me: *sarcastically* “Oh, no!”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “You might want to inform your husband that he’s been standing under the store’s main wireless access point for the past 20 minutes, being blasted with wifi signals 50 times stronger than any of these printers.”

(She ran to her husband, said something, and pointed up to the access point on the ceiling. I tried not to have a smug look on my face as the man suddenly feigned illness and they left abruptly.)

Not A Green Machine

| Aurora, CO, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Technology

(At my store our pin-pad works a bit differently if you want credit instead of debit. You slide your card and then are prompted to enter your PIN. If you want credit you hit the green button – labeled CREDIT – as the red button cancels the transaction.)

Customer: *slides card and hits cancel* “Oh, I’m sorry I think I canceled it.”

Me: “That’s okay. Just slide your card again and hit the green button for credit.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks.” *does so*

(I finish the transaction and hand her the receipt, then start ringing out her boyfriend who was in line behind her and watching the whole thing.)

Customer’s Boyfriend: *slides card* “I want credit.”

Me: “Okay, sir, just hit the green button.”

Customer’s Boyfriend: *hits the red button*

Me: “Sorry sir, you canceled it. Slide it one more time and hit the green button for me.”

Customer’s Boyfriend: *slides again and hits the red button again* “I want to do it as credit!”

Me: “Yes, sir, just slide your card again and press the green button.”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “… But I want credit.”

Me: “Yes, sir, the green button for credit.”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “To run it as credit? I don’t want to use my PIN.”

Me: “Yes sir, just hit the green button for credit.”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “But I want to run it as credit! I don’t want to enter my PIN!”

Me: “I understand that, sir. Just slide your card for me and then press the green button for credit.”

Customer’s Boyfriend: *narrows eyes and hits the red button again* “I WANT TO DO IT AS CREDIT!”

(The first customer sighs and does it for him.)

Customer’s Boyfriend: “But I wanted credit!”

Me: *smiles* “It ran as credit, sir. See it shows it here on your receipt. Thank you and have a nice day.”

Next Customer: *slides card and hits the red button*

Me: *sighs*

Got It White The First Time

| New Orleans, LA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I wait tables at a coffee shop that specializes in cafe au lait. We mix the coffee and milk before serving it to the customer. An elderly couple comes in about four times a week.)

Customer: “Now I want my coffee a little on the light side. A LITTLE light, understand?”

(She always says this.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

(I fix the coffee with just a little extra milk.)

Customer: “I said a LITTLE light. This is all milk. Fix me another one.”

(I fix a second cup, a little darker, and bring it to her table.)

Customer: “Now this is way too dark. Try to get it right, would you?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

(I fix a third cup, medium colored.)

Customer: “I don’t understand what’s the matter with you people. I want my coffee a LITTLE light. Bring this back. A little light, you understand?”

Me: “You got it.”

(With a big silly smile on my face, I bring her coffee for the fourth time.)

Customer: “Now THIS is what I wanted! Why can’t you get it right the first time?”

Me: “Sorry about that, ma’am. I’ll try next time.”

Customer: “Yes, you do that.”

(After she had sent back her first coffee, I put the cup on the warmer. I served her that same coffee on attempt number four. The entire wait staff has been doing this for years now.)

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