Can’t Play That Card With Me

| LA, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior

Customer #1: *not even looking at me* “Turn on pump number four.”

(The customer starts to walk out but I call after her.)

Me: *smiling politely* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t do that. You have to prepay for gas or leave a deposit.”

Customer #1: *holding out debit card* “I’d like to prepay for $40 in gas, then.”

Me: *still smiling* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but our system is a bit outdated so I can’t prepay fuel with a debit or credit card. However, if you’d like, you can pay with cash or I can hold your card and—”

Customer #1: *snottily* “I’m not giving you my card! You’ll steal my information! Just turn the damned pump on! Jesus, you’re f****** stupid! You’re the only person here who won’t turn on the god-d*** pump for me!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, if I’m the only person who won’t turn the pump on for you, then I’m the only cashier here who is doing her job properly. And you can just leave. Now. You have your nasty attitude to thank for that.”

(She stares at me, seemingly at a loss for words, but she doesn’t leave so I expect her to make a scene as soon as she can speak again. But before she can open her mouth, another customer, who heard the whole exchange, walks up to the counter and speaks to the woman.)

Customer #2: “I know it’s not any of my business but do you ever go to nice, sit-down restaurants?”

Customer #1: *scoffs* “Why, of course I do!”

Customer #2: “So what’s the difference in a waiter or waitress taking your card and walking off with it and you leaving it here with this young lady? Are you trying to say that just because she works at a convenience store that she’s a thief? Or that maybe restaurants have higher standards for employee? Trust me, lady, if that’s your logic, it’s very, very flawed.”

(The woman opens and closes her mouth several times but obviously can’t come up with a good argument because she turns around and storms out of the store.)

Customer #2: *smiles* “That felt really good.”

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Cookies Are The Devil

| IN, USA | At The Checkout, Religion, Top

(In the sandwich shop where I work, we have a daily special for a different six-inch sub each day. If you order two specials, the total, including tax, will always come out to $6.66. On this day, two elderly ladies come in wearing nun’s wimples and veils.)

Nun #1: “Hello, dear. I’d like a six-inch [special], please.”

Nun #2: “Oh, that sounds good! I’ll have the same.”

(I make the sandwiches and go to the register to ring them up.)

Me: “Okay, your total comes to $6.66.”

Nun #1: “Well, I’d say that’s the Lord’s way of telling us to get dessert! We’ll take two cookies, please!”

See this story as a comic!

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Had No Doubt She Was In The Wrong Place

, | TX, USA | Funny Names, Holidays, Theme Of The Month

(It is about a week before Christmas and I am opening the clothing store I manage by myself. I run to the food court to grab some breakfast, and when I returned to the store there was a middle-aged woman standing in front of the doors.)

Me: “Good morning!” *I bend down to unlock the doors*

Customer: “Hi! What time do you open?”

Me: “We open at 10:00, and it’s about a quarter ‘til right now. I’m just gonna eat this really quick and open the registers and then I’ll open up the store.”

Customer: *cheerfully* “Oh, okay! Take your time!”

(While I eat and finish up my opening procedures, the customer just paces in front of the windows, looking intently at all of our window displays. I end up opening the doors a few minutes early, and while I’m placing the signs outside the doors she walks in and heads straight to the registers. I figure she’s wanting to purchase a gift card since she’s not looking around the store. I walk back to the registers to assist her.)

Me: “So, what can I help you find today?”

Customer: “I’m just here to pick up the No Doubt vinyl.”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry; I’m not quite sure what you’re looking for.”

Customer: *sighs* “You know, the vinyl!”

Me: *confused* “We have a men’s cologne called Vinyl. Is that what you were looking for?”

Customer: *sighing loudly* “No, not cologne! Vinyl! You know, like a record! The No Doubt record!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I know what records are, but we don’t sell them here.”

Customer: *starts glaring at me* “What?! What do you mean you don’t sell it here?”

Me: *gesturing around the store* “We sell clothes, shoes, and accessories, but no music. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “But I spoke to you on the phone not even 30 minutes ago, and you said you’d hold the vinyl for me! Why would you say you’d put something on hold that you don’t even sell?”

Me: I’m very sorry, ma’am, but as you can see, I’m the only one here, and I haven’t spoken to anyone on the phone all morning. I also would never tell someone we would hold a product that we don’t even carry. Are you sure you’re in the right store?”

Customer: “Well, this is Hot Topic isn’t it?!”

Me: *sighing* “No, ma’am, that’s next door. On your left hand side.”

Customer: *suddenly cheerful again* “Oh, why didn’t you just say so?”

(I have no idea how she stood outside my store staring in the windows for 15 minutes and didn’t realize she was in the wrong place!)

Going Too H2-Slow

| MD, USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body

(I work at a gym that’s rather expensive, so all of the clients are rather well off. I’m a lifeguard year round, since they have both an indoor and an outdoor pool.)

Woman: “Hi. The indoor pool is too cold. My child is absolutely freezing.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can provide your child with warm towels directly from the dryer if he needs to be warmed up quickly.”

Woman: “No, I just need you to heat up the pool. ”

Me: “The pool is heated, ma’am, but unfortunately, we can’t directly control the temperature of the pool.”

Woman: *getting angry* “What do you mean you can’t control it?! Just pour a bunch of hot water in it!”

Me: “Ma’am, there are almost half a million gallons of water in this pool. We couldn’t possibly get enough water to meet your demands.”

Woman: “Well, you’re not doing your job, then. I’ll be speaking to your manager!” *storms off in a fit of pretentious rage*

Cancelling Out The Stupid

| Online | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Technology

(We are running a promotion with a discount code, so we always get a lot of calls when this occurs from people who are having difficulty redeeming the coupon.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Business]. This is [My Name] speaking. How can I assist you?”

Customer: “You know, you guys, you send these discounts, and they just never work, and I, you know, I want to cancel my order.”

Me: “Sorry you’re having some difficulty with that. Would you like me to see if I can help you place the order?”

Customer: “No, I just want to cancel it. I’m tired of hearing from all of these places that it’s ‘user error.’”

Me: “I understand. What was your order number?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “Your order number. I’d be happy to cancel it for you so you aren’t charged at all, since you couldn’t use the discount code.”

Customer: “I don’t have an order number.”

Me: “I can look it up by your last name, then.”

(I can’t find an order from that last name. I try asking more and more obvious questions, like ‘are you sure you placed an order on this website?’ since literally hundreds of customers have used the code with no difficulty.)

Customer: “I just got fed up because I couldn’t find a place to put the code, and then it wouldn’t accept it, so I just closed the window.”

Me: “So you’re saying you never actually placed an order?”

Customer: “No, I just closed your crappy website.”

Me: “Sir… if you didn’t place an order, we don’t have anything to cancel.”

Customer: “Why won’t you let me cancel my order?”

Me: “If you haven’t placed an order, there’s nothing for us to cancel. You just… don’t place the order.”

Customer: “So you’re saying you won’t cancel my order?”

Me: “No, I’m saying that there’s no order to cancel.” *I’m reaching here* “Say you were in line at a sub shop, and then you decided you wanted McDonald’s instead. You don’t have to go to the register at the sub shop to tell them you’re leaving if they didn’t make a sandwich for you, right?”

Customer: “I don’t want a d*** sandwich. I just want to cancel my order!”

(I pause.)

Me: “Okay, your order has been cancelled.”

(Click.)

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