Scary Movies

| Bloomington, IN, USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Theme Of The Month

(We have a semi-regular that’s fairly creepy, but always super chatty. One night, as I’m cleaning the popcorn popper, he comes up to concessions without my noticing. One of my coworkers gets my attention and I go to help him.)

Semi-Regular: “I was thinkin’ about scarin’ you, but he got your attention before I decided.”

Me: “Oh, I don’t scare easily.”

Semi-Regular: “Clearly you don’t know me very well.”

Delayed By A Customer Is A Certainty Principle

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Money

(I’m standing in line waiting at the check-out of a popular department store. There’s no one behind me, and I’m not in a particular hurry. The woman in front of me is buying a single item, for which she has a coupon.)

Cashier: “I’m sorry, but the coupon won’t scan. Did you—”

Customer: “What do you mean it won’t scan?”

Cashier: “Well, I see that this coupon is for [Brand Name item] and you’re trying to purchase [generic version of the same item]. The coupon only—”

Customer: “It’s the same thing, isn’t it?”

Cashier: “Well, no. The coupon only—”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! Just scan the coupon!”

Cashier: “I’m terribly sorry, but the coupon won’t—”

Customer: “I came here because I had that coupon. Now put the discount on!”

(Since it seems like we might be here all day, and I know that trying to explain her mistake won’t get anywhere, I interject.)

Me: “Ma’am, how much is the coupon worth?”

Customer: “It’s for two dollars. But—”

Me: “If I give you two dollars, will you pay and take your item?”

Customer: *insulted tone* “No! It’s the principle of the matter!”

(I wound up waiting another five minutes while they called over the manager, and no, she did not get her discount)

Sugar And Spice And Naughty And Nice

| Bloomfield Hills, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Movies & TV

Customer: *after purchasing tickets and popcorn* “And I need to get my husband a drink. Give me a bottle of water. Or… what do you have that’s not naughty?”

Me: “Um, naughty like… ‘sex on the beach?'”

Customer: “No. Just without any high-fructose crap. Saccharine is fine, aspartame isn’t…”

(She begins to look at the options in our cooler as her husband, wearing a ‘live free or die’ hat, enters.)

Customer: “Get something to drink. Something not naughty.”

Customer’s Husband: *to me* “You got Coke products?”

Me: “Yes. We have fountain drinks which have HFCS, and the bottled drinks are all cane sugar. So they aren’t, um, quite as naughty.”

Customer: “Oh, he’ll just have a bottle of water.”

Me: “Okay. So that’s two bottles of water? One for him and one for you?”

Customer’s Husband:  “I think I’ll have a Cherry Coke.”

Customer: “Cherry Coke? What are you, 12?”

Customer’s Husband:  “We’re at a movie!”

Customer: “But it’s NAUGHTY!”

Customer’s Husband:  “Fine. Make it a small.”

Customer: “Well, I’ll be in the theater while you’re getting diabetes! WITH MY WATER!”

(I prepare the Cherry Coke for him and ring it up.)

Me: “Live free or die, man. Here’s your drink.”

Turned The Tables

| Amsterdam, The Netherlands | Crazy Requests

(It’s a fairly slow day. Only one table is occupied. The guests leave and within half a minute, someone else sits down at that table.)

Me: “Hi! I’ll just clean this table for you. What can I get you to drink?”

Customer: “Aren’t you going to apologize?”

Me: “For what?”

Customer: “For this dirty table!”

Me: “Uh… no?”

Customer: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

Me: “Because there are 30 empty tables where you could sit down, and you picked the only dirty one in the entire restaurant. The previous guests left only a minute ago. How could that possibly be my fault?”

Customer: *disgruntled* “One coffee…”

This Friendship Is Fried

| Bowling Green, KY, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Language & Words

(I approach a table occupied by a young couple.)

Me: “Hello. I’m [My Name] and I’ll be your waitress. Can I get you something to drink?”

Young Man: “Hello. Um, yes.  I’ll have a [Soda Pop] and we’re ready to order, if that’s okay?”

Me: “Certainly, what can I get for you?”

(The young man, polite and well-spoken, places his order and I turned to the vacant eyed young lady with him. All empty smiles and mindless giggles, she inquires…)

Young Lady: “Hee, hee, hee. What’s a kwee-sa-dil-la?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

(She points to the quesadilla plate and I calmly explain the concept to her.)

Young Lady: “Hee hee! Oh, I don’t think I’d like that? What’s chicken ‘friend’ rice?”

(The young man takes on a look of pained embarrassment and I try to spare him by keeping my expression neutral.)

Me: “Its rice that’s been stir fried and had vegetables, egg, and chicken added to it.”

Young Lady: “Tee hee. Oh, so, it has shrimp in it?”

(Young man face palms.)

Me: “We have a shrimp fried rice plate that has shrimp in it.”

Young Lady: “No, no, no. I want that chicken ‘friend’ rice stuff.”

Me: “All right. So chicken fried rice and—”

Young Lady: “And that’s got shrimp, right?”

(Young man drops head to table and tries to disappear.)

Me: “Um, no, it has chicken but I can have them make shrimp fried rice instead.”

Young Lady: “No, no. I want chicken ‘friend’ rice with shrimp, not chicken.”

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