Half-Brain

| Yosemite National Park, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Geography, Tourists/Travel

(A tourist walks up to me at the front desk.)

Tourist: “Is that Half Dome outside?”

Me: “Half Dome is one of the many mountain features outside if you face east.”

Tourist: “Which one is it?”

Me: “It is the one that is exactly half of a granite dome… to the east.”

Tourist: “How much concrete was used to make it?”

Me: “… Seriously?”

Tourist: *stares blankly at me*

Me: “I couldn’t tell you, but they decided to ditch the building project once they ran out of re-bar.”

Error: Tuition Not Found

| NY, USA | Extra Stupid, School, Technology

(I’m in grad school. I work part-time at the university IT desk.)

Me: “This is [University] service desk. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. I’m having a problem with my computer. Could I schedule a time to come in?”

Me: “Sure thing. What’s your student ID number?”

Caller: “I don’t have one.”

Me: “You can find it on the back of your student ID.”

Caller: “I don’t have an ID.”

Me: “If you don’t have one of those yet, you can get it from the ID office in [Building]. Do you have any documents from [University]? Almost all documents you’d get from us have your ID at the top.”

Caller: “No. I’m not a student.”

Me: “Are you a faculty member, or an alumnus?”

Caller: “No. I’ve never been to [University]. I just heard you have tech support.”

Me: “Okay… I’m afraid we only offer support to students and faculty. I have the number of a local repair shop if you need it.”

Caller: “Will they charge me money?”

Me: “Probably.”

Caller: “But you offer your services for free.”

Me: “… TO STUDENTS. This is a help desk for students of [University] ONLY. We don’t offer support to the general public.”

Caller: “Why not?”

Me: “Because we’re not a computer repair shop. We’re a part of [University] and we exist solely to offer tech support to students and faculty. I’m afraid we can’t help you if you’re neither. Would you like that phone number now?”

Caller: “I don’t understand why you won’t just let me bring in my computer! It would only take a minute.”

Me: “We can’t service your computer because you’re not a student.”

Caller: “That’s so mean! What’s so special about being a student?”

Me: “Tuition?”

Scary Movies

| Bloomington, IN, USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Theme Of The Month

(We have a semi-regular that’s fairly creepy, but always super chatty. One night, as I’m cleaning the popcorn popper, he comes up to concessions without my noticing. One of my coworkers gets my attention and I go to help him.)

Semi-Regular: “I was thinkin’ about scarin’ you, but he got your attention before I decided.”

Me: “Oh, I don’t scare easily.”

Semi-Regular: “Clearly you don’t know me very well.”

Delayed By A Customer Is A Certainty Principle

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Money

(I’m standing in line waiting at the check-out of a popular department store. There’s no one behind me, and I’m not in a particular hurry. The woman in front of me is buying a single item, for which she has a coupon.)

Cashier: “I’m sorry, but the coupon won’t scan. Did you—”

Customer: “What do you mean it won’t scan?”

Cashier: “Well, I see that this coupon is for [Brand Name item] and you’re trying to purchase [generic version of the same item]. The coupon only—”

Customer: “It’s the same thing, isn’t it?”

Cashier: “Well, no. The coupon only—”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! Just scan the coupon!”

Cashier: “I’m terribly sorry, but the coupon won’t—”

Customer: “I came here because I had that coupon. Now put the discount on!”

(Since it seems like we might be here all day, and I know that trying to explain her mistake won’t get anywhere, I interject.)

Me: “Ma’am, how much is the coupon worth?”

Customer: “It’s for two dollars. But—”

Me: “If I give you two dollars, will you pay and take your item?”

Customer: *insulted tone* “No! It’s the principle of the matter!”

(I wound up waiting another five minutes while they called over the manager, and no, she did not get her discount)

Sugar And Spice And Naughty And Nice

| Bloomfield Hills, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Movies & TV

Customer: *after purchasing tickets and popcorn* “And I need to get my husband a drink. Give me a bottle of water. Or… what do you have that’s not naughty?”

Me: “Um, naughty like… ‘sex on the beach?'”

Customer: “No. Just without any high-fructose crap. Saccharine is fine, aspartame isn’t…”

(She begins to look at the options in our cooler as her husband, wearing a ‘live free or die’ hat, enters.)

Customer: “Get something to drink. Something not naughty.”

Customer’s Husband: *to me* “You got Coke products?”

Me: “Yes. We have fountain drinks which have HFCS, and the bottled drinks are all cane sugar. So they aren’t, um, quite as naughty.”

Customer: “Oh, he’ll just have a bottle of water.”

Me: “Okay. So that’s two bottles of water? One for him and one for you?”

Customer’s Husband:  “I think I’ll have a Cherry Coke.”

Customer: “Cherry Coke? What are you, 12?”

Customer’s Husband:  “We’re at a movie!”

Customer: “But it’s NAUGHTY!”

Customer’s Husband:  “Fine. Make it a small.”

Customer: “Well, I’ll be in the theater while you’re getting diabetes! WITH MY WATER!”

(I prepare the Cherry Coke for him and ring it up.)

Me: “Live free or die, man. Here’s your drink.”

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