Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 9

| Chicago, IL, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Technology

(I’m at a coffee shop that has a clear ‘We do not accept $50s or $100s” on the cash register. Customer #1 is in line with Customer #2, a teenager, behind him.)

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir; we can’t accept $100s.”

Customer #1: “You have to! You’re breaking the law!”

(The customer starts ranting about it for a while. Meanwhile, the teenage customer behind him fiddles with her phone for a few moments before speaking up.)

Customer #2: “Excuse me? But, no, that simply isn’t true. There is no law requiring businesses accept payment in $100 bills.”

Customer #1: “What do you know about it? You’re just a kid!”

Customer #2: “Well, for one, I can use Google. Here’s what the Treasury says…”

(Customer #2 starts reading out the webpage on her phone which confirms what she says. Customer #1 shuts up and pays with normal bills.)

Related:
Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 8
Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 7
Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 6
Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 5
Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 4

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 6

| MD, USA | Health & Body, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am a hospital clerk. I am sitting in a staff-only workroom during my break when a man in a wheelchair comes in. He is non-verbal due to a surgery, but is in his right mind.)

Patient: “Grunt.”

Me: “Hi, sir. Can I help you?”

Patient: “Grunt, GRUNT, GRUUUUUUUNT!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I don’t understand. Why don’t we go up to the front desk and get some paper so you can write?”

(We go to the desk, and I get the patient some paper. He writes, “Please take me outside.”)

Me: “I’m on break, but sure, I don’t mind. Do you want me to wheel you outside or can you do it yourself?”

Patient: *points to me*

(I try to wheel him into an elevator. Unfortunately, I’m 5’1” and seven months pregnant, and he’s about 350 lbs. We don’t make it.)

Me: “Sir, I’m so sorry. I can’t do it.”

(The patient slaps me.)

Me: “Ouch! Sir! Please don’t do that. I’ll call someone else to take you.”

(He slaps me four more times, twice in the stomach.)

Me: “Owowow! Sir. Stop right now! You’ll hurt the baby! STOP! STOP IT! If you touch me again, I will call security.”

Patient: “GRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUNNNNNT!”

(He wheels himself into the elevator and leaves. I bend over and grab my stomach, in tears. One of the nurses finds me and checks me out. I dry my tears and page security.)

Me: “Officer [name]? This is [me]. We’ve got a patient, Mr. [name], who’s been harassing and assaulting staff. He just slapped me in the face and stomach because I couldn’t take him outside. Could you do something?”

Officer: “That guy? He did WHAT? Okay, I’m going to talk to him right now.”

Me: *to nurse* “He’ll take care of it.”

Nurse: “How do you know?”

Me: “Believe me, I know.”

(The officer arrives and begins speaking to the patient. Meanwhile, the nurse and I slink outside to hear the conversation.)

Officer: “Sir, I understand you’ve been harassing the staff. A clerk reported that you assaulted her because she could not wheel you around. Now let me explain something to you. That clerk was on her break and did not have to wheel you outside. She did it because she is kind. You can wheel yourself, so you shouldn’t have asked her to begin with. Also, she is not only far smaller than you, but she is also obviously pregnant. It was incredibly selfish of you to ask her to do that, when you could probably tell from the beginning she couldn’t do it. And when you realized she couldn’t do it, you could have asked someone else. You had no right to assault her. You not only hit a woman, but you hit the woman who happens to be my wife and is carrying our first child, so if she or our baby suffers any damage because you thought it was okay to slap a pregnant woman in the stomach, I will personally make sure you pay for your actions in every way possible. Do you understand?”

(The patient gives a thoroughly terrified nod, and wheels himself away as fast as he can. That patient never gave me any trouble again. I love my husband!)

Related:
On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 5
On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 4
On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 3
On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 2
On The Need For Hazard Pay

Try Before You Psy

| USA | Language & Words, Musical Mayhem

(I work in a store that sells movies, games and music among other memorabilia. A customer approaches me.)

Customer: “I’d like to exchange this CD.”

Me: “I can offer you store credit, and you can use it to purchase anything in the store.”

Customer: “Well, I was looking for this same CD but in English.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “My daughter asked me for this CD, but it seems I made a mistake, as it’s all in Chinese! I want the CD in English.”

(She shows me the CD in question, and I see it’s a ‘Girls’ Generation’ album, a Korean girl group.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; this album is of a Korean girl group. They sing in Korean.”

Customer: “Korean, Chinese, whatever, I just want the American version with the songs in English!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, they’re Korean singers. They sing in Korean. They have Japanese albums too, but we don’t have them, though.”

Customer: “So they’re not in English?”

Me: “I’m afraid not.”

Customer: “Then why the h*** do I want to listen to it if I can’t understand it?”

The Song Broke Loose And Then Vamoose And Now You Know The Plot

| St. Louis, MO, USA | Geeks Rule, Movies & TV, Musical Mayhem, Theme Of The Month, Top

(I am working in the largest gift shop in the theme park. I am walking around straightening and folding the when I hear a middle-aged guests whistling. After a few moments, I recognize it as the theme tune to ‘The Animaniacs’.)

Me: *singing* “Pinky and the Brain, they want rule the universe…”

Guest: “…Slappy slaps them with her purse…”

Me: “…Buttons chases Mindy while Rita sings a verse!”

Together: “Why write a script? We have no script! Why bother to rehearse? We are the Animaniacs! We have pay-for-play contracts! We are zany to the max, there’s baloney in our slacks! We’re Animany, totally insany—”

Guest: *Wakko voice* “Where’s Lon Chaney?”

Together: “Animaniacs! Those are the facts!”

Guest: *high-fives me* “It was nice jammin’ with you, Dot.”

(I beamed for the rest of the night.)

Foretelling Will Be The Death Of You

| Detroit, MI, USA | Books & Reading, Extra Stupid

(I am managing a small bookstore, and a coworker who is usually very good at guessing what book someone wants based on minimal description comes up for help.)

Coworker: “There’s a guy on the phone, and I can’t tell what he wants. He says he’s looking for something called The Death of a Toad.”

Me: “That doesn’t sound familiar.”

Coworker: “He’s getting annoyed with me because I don’t recognize the title. Can you handle it?”

(I grab the phone. The customer sounds like a teenage guy, and he’s irritated.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “I hope so, that other girl was useless. I need Death of a Toad; how hard is that?”

Me: “I’m sorry she couldn’t help you. I see she’s looked it up in the computer, and we don’t have any records of it in our system. Is it a new book?”

Customer: “No, it’s a classic or something. I need to read it for school.”

Me: “Okay. So it’s regular adult fiction, and it’s called Death of a Toad?”

Customer: “Yeah, why is this so hard to understand?”

(I do a more general search on the computer system, looking for any book with “toad” in the title, and don’t get any relevant results.)

Me: “Is it spelled toad, like the animal? And death, like dying? I want to make sure I’m looking up the right search terms.”

Customer: “Duh, yes! Death, like death, and toad, like frog. Wait… it’s not Death of a Toad; it’s Death of Four Toads.”

Me: “That doesn’t sound familiar either. Do you have all or part of the author’s name?”

Customer: “I don’t know, some guy. Look, how hard is this? It’s Death of Four Toads by some Mexican guy or whatever, and it’s a classic! Are you completely stupid? Death. Of. Four. Toads.

(As he says this, a light bulb finally goes off in my head.)

Me: “…are you maybe looking for Chronicle of a Death Foretold?”

Customer: “Yes! Fine! It’s CHRONICLE of the Death of Four Toads! Do. You. Have. It?”

Me: “Actually, I sold my last copy over the weekend. Have a nice day!”