Can’t Imagine Why You Can’t Use Imaginary Coupons

| NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

(I greet a table of ten. In the middle of introducing myself this happens:)

Customer: “I have a coupon.”

Me: “Okay, hang on to it. It is applied at the end.”

Customer: “Hang onto it? I don’t have it with me. Is that a problem?”

Me: “So, you want to use a coupon that you don’t have with you?”

Customer: “I don’t understand why you have coupons if you won’t accept them.”

Me: “…”

On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 8

| MD, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests

(I work in a well-known department store chain as a cashier. By law, I’m required to offer our store credit card to each and every customer that comes through my line if they’re over the age of 18.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, your total is [total]. If you don’t have our [Store] card, I can try to save you $10 or $15 on this purchase.”

Customer: *mumbles so low that I can’t hear her*

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Could you please repeat that?”

Customer: “I SAID NO! GOD! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ENGLISH AT ALL? YOUR SERVICE IS HORRIBLE!”

(At this point she starts screaming her head off, and I see my manager, who is really short and stocky, running down the aisle to see what all the yelling is about.)

Customer: “I MEAN, WHY ARE YOU EVEN ASKING ME IF I WANT A CREDIT CARD? YOU SHOULD KNOW I DON’T HAVE ANY OF THEM!”

Me: “Ma’am, I have never met you before. How would I know that you don’t have any credit cards?”

Customer: “YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO CHECK YOUR THINGAMAJIG WHEN I GIVE YOU MY REWARDS CARD!”

Me: “Ma’am… those are two completely separate things.”

Customer: “NO, THEY’RE NOT! STOP F***ING LYING TO ME!”

(My manager has just gotten to my booth when the customer slaps me, hard, across my face.)

Manager: “[Customer]! Why did you just hit my cashier?!”

Customer: “HE WAS SUPPOSED TO KNOW I DON’T HAVE ANY CREDIT CARDS!”

Manager: “Get out of my store! This is the third time you’ve done this! Do not come back!”

Customer: “THIS IS WHY I NEVER SHOP AT [Store]! THE SERVICE IS TERRIBLE!”

Manager: *after the customer left* “Are you okay? Go on a break. I’ll cover for you.”

Me: “So… no hazard pay?”

Manager: “Ha. Good luck with that. I’ve been here 40 years and I don’t get hazard pay.”

(She did the customer satisfaction survey on the receipt that we print out and gave me the lowest possible rating, a 0, because of “terrible service” and actually WON a $1,000 gift card to the store via the sweepstakes system. Corporate was notified and they cancelled the gift card right away and gave me a $100 gift card!)

Related:
On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 7
On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 6
On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 5

Taxing Taxing

| MD, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Money

(Two customers come in close to closing and order three milkshakes. One of my employees makes them, they pay and leave. Five minutes later they come back in.)

Customer #1: “These shakes all taste funny. We tried all three. They’re all sour. We would like our money refunded.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. Give me just a moment.”

(The card charges for the day don’t go through until we manually process them at the end of the night. Rather than giving them a refund for the charge amount, I find their exact order and comp off the shakes, making their order total $0.00 and removing their charge from having ever existed. I hand them a copy of the comped receipt.)

Me: “Well, here you go. Sorry about the shakes. Have a good night.”

Customer #1: “This is only for $8.70. We were charged $9.22.”

Me: “It just says $8.70 because that’s the price for the shakes without tax, which was removed from the bill making the total bill zero. The tax isn’t displayed because no tax can be added to a total of zero.”

Customer #2: “What, so I’m still being charged the tax!?”

Me: “No… The total is zero. There is no charge being made at all to your card. The comp here says $8.70 because that is the original price for the shakes. ”

Customer #2: “So you only refunded me $8.70, not $9.22.”

Me: “The original price was removed entirely, making the total zero. As there is no total on your order now, there is no tax, so it’s not displayed. That’s just the way the receipt displays the information. The charge was reversed entirely. The total displayed is zero dollars and zero cents, which is the new total for your order.”

(The customers, brows still furrowed, cautiously leave. Another moment later, customer #2 comes back in.)

Customer #2: “Could I just have your name to reference in case of further incident?”

Me: “Uh, sure, my name is [My Name].”

(I include the incident in my end of the night communications to the next day’s managers in case anything comes up. I also work the next day, but am not the manager in charge. The next day, the manager comes to talk to me about mid-afternoon.)

Manager: “Did you see your shake lady come in?”

Me: “No. What? You mean the lady who thought I was charging her tax? From last night?”

Manager: “Yeah, she actually came in! I had to explain to her that it wasn’t an actual refund but a reversal. She wasn’t getting it. I was like, it was a same day charge so we can just remove the charge from ever having happened rather than the hassle of doing a refund.”

Me: “Yeah, I explained the same exact thing to her…”

Manager: “She asked to speak to a manager, I should have gotten you!” *laughs*

Me: “Oh, man, that would have been great. She drove all the way back up here over 52 cents.”

Doesn’t Even Close A Sale

| Fort Wayne, IN, USA | Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

(It’s been a slow night, and my coworker and I have been the only people in the store for over an hour. It’s five minutes until closing time.)

Coworker: “I think I’ll go lock up a few minutes early. I don’t think anyone else is coming in.”

Me: “Fine by me. I’ll get started on the register.”

(Right on cue, the door opens and a customer walks in.)

Coworker: “Oh, welcome. Is there anything we can help you find?”

Customer: “No, not right now. I’m just here to look around.”

(The customer wanders over to the trinket section. Since we’re not allowed to tell customers that we’re about to close, my coworker makes a big show about locking the door. The customer doesn’t notice.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am. Is there anything I can help you find tonight?”

Customer: *flipping through a magazine from the display* “No. I’m good, thanks.”

Me: *loudly* “[Coworker], I’m gonna go grab the vacuum so we can begin the nightly cleaning!”

Coworker: *just as loudly* “Okay! Make sure you hit some of the lights in the back too! I’m going to flip the sign on the door since it’s past eight o’clock!”

(My coworker and I continue loudly discussing our nightly duties every time we pass by the browsing woman. We keep asking her if she needs anything, and each time she waves us away. In desperation, I turn off half the lights in the store, which doesn’t phase the customer at all. Finally, we are out of nightly chores to do; the only thing remaining is to close the register, which we can’t do while the customer is in the store.)

Coworker: *loudly* “Man, I can’t wait to go home. I’m really hungry.”

Me: *loudly* “Me, too! I have homework to get started on once I get home. What time is it?”

Coworker: “8:15.”

(We drift into silence and stare at the customer as she picks up figurines off a shelf, examines them, and sets them back down. After a few minutes, the customer suddenly looks up and seems to realize that the lights are off, the store is deadly quiet, and the two employees are staring straight at her.)

Customer: “Oh, my. Are you guys closing?”

Me: *relieved* “Yes, ma’am. We closed nearly 20 minutes ago. We’re just waiting on you.”

Customer: “Oh.”

(She continues browsing for another 10 minutes. Finally, she makes her way to the front of the store.)

Coworker: *unlocking the door* “Was there anything you needed to buy, ma’am?”

Customer: “Oh, no, not tonight. I just like looking around. Good night!”

In A Nut Shell: You’re Lying

| England, UK | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Liars & Scammers

(I and my husband own a tea room. We only serve drinks and cakes (sweet pie/pastries/donuts, etc.), absolutely nothing hot or savoury. We also do party platters. We are well known in our area for being a nut-free establishment due to my husband’s (the baker) severe allergy.)

Customer: “I need a refund on the food I ordered for my grandson’s birthday party at the weekend. I have the receipt.”

Me: “I’m sorry you weren’t happy. What was wrong with the food?”

Customer: “It was totally unsatisfactory! We paid a lot of money for your food and my daughter was most upset.”

(I’m looking over the receipt and notice it was a lot of money, over £100. Every food item is listed, with quantity, and it seems a lot for a child’s party. I call my husband to take a look and he remembers talking to the child’s mother on the phone and again when she picked everything up.)

Husband: “I remember when your daughter ordered it and picked it up. I asked her repeatedly if she had the numbers right. It was a lot of food for a nine-year-old’s party.”

Customer: “That’s not the point. All of the quiches were undercooked, the sandwiches had the wrong fillings, and the birthday cake had hazelnuts in it. My grandson has a nut allergy. He was rushed to hospital on his birthday. He could have died! DIED!”

(By now other customers are looking and listening in.)

Husband: “You’re lying.”

Customer: “Well, I never! How dare you speak to me like that! I want my money back!

Me: “Have you looked at this receipt? First, your daughter paid by card. Second, we do not sell anything other than cake. No sandwiches, quiche, sausage roll, nothing. Look around you. Look at our display cabinets. Only cake. And last, there were no nuts of any kind anywhere near your or anyone else’s food here. My husband is so allergic to all kind of nuts that we can’t even eat out anymore. He once served someone who had peanut butter for breakfast and he broke out in a rash and his hand swelled from touching the money. This is a 100% nut free shop. You walked past a sign on the window saying there are no nuts in our food.”

Customer: “You just don’t want to give me my money back.”

Me: “You didn’t pay. Your daughter paid with her debit card. If she comes in, with your grandson’s hospital discharge papers, I will refund her. Other than that I’ll assume that she over ordered, spent too much money, regrets it, and sent you to try and trick us. I have your daughter’s details here. If you don’t leave I’ll have to call her and tell her you are making fraudulent claims and I will contact the police.”

Customer: *recoiling a bit and deciding to leave* “I think I’ll send my daughter in here to sort this out.”

(As she leaves I realise all our other customers are staring at me.)

Other Customer: “Do you think I could get a wrongly filled sandwich and a hazelnut birthday cake?”

(At least that lightened the mood.)

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