Think Before You Ink

| ACT, Australia | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m looking for plain black drawing ink. I want the best quality you have here.”

Me: “Wonderful! We have [Good Brand] here, and we have it in plain black as well. These are the most popular inks we sell as they are of such good quality. Are you working on a project?”

Customer: “Oh, well, kind of. I am going to give myself a tattoo tonight! This should do the trick.”

(Shocked, and thankful to myself that I asked, I suddenly stop putting my thoughts together as to what to say next and just blurt out the first thing that falls out of my mouth out of feeling the urgency of the situation.)

Me: “Yes, it should do the trick if you WANT TO DIE! THIS IS NOT TATTOO INK, MA’AM. It will KILL you, like DEAD, if you use it in your skin! Please DON’T use this for tattoos! It’s for art and craft projects only!”

Customer: *taken aback and gasps* “Oh, my gosh! I had no idea! I just thought ink was ink! So glad you asked. You saved my life! Thank you!”

(After explaining to her where she could look into purchasing tattoo ink and recommending she also look into the best tattoo artists in town, as well as carefully putting into less-stressed words about why you don’t use drawing inks for tattoos, she leaves, white as a ghost but very thankful.)

Coworker: “And that just happened… Lucky you asked what the ink was for!”

Afraid To Be Their Guinea Pig

| Bryan, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

(I am not actually a store associate but I try to help out since I work as a vendor within the store and I have plenty of information from my veterinary college program. So, I was not really getting paid to do this.)

Customer: “Yes. I would like to know about these gerbils. I want a pet for my daughter. She just turned six.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, gerbils tend to bite if not handled properly.”

Customer: *gasps and points to the guinea pigs* “They bite?!”

Me: “Oh. Those are guinea pigs. And no those don’t usually bite.”

Customer: “Oh, guinea pigs.”

Me: “So were you interested in getting one?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(She starts asking about all the information on guinea pigs, which is on the info card right under the aquarium at eye level. Shrugging it off, I answer her questions.)

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “Which one is the healthiest?”

Me: “Uh. All of them.”

Customer: “Okay. But which one is the healthiest?”

Me: “Ma’am, they wouldn’t be on display if they weren’t healthy.”

Customer: “Which is the youngest?”

Me: “Since they came from a breeding distributor they are all the same age. Most people pick them out by what colored fur they have.”

Customer: “Okay. But which is the youngest?”

Me: “You’ll have to ask up front for that information.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I can leave one of these alone for a week?”

Me: “… Seven days? No, ma’am. There aren’t any pets aside from some fish you could ever leave alone for that long.”

Customer: “Oh. What if it’s just a weekend?”

Me: “No, ma’am. If something happened to their water supply or they got hurt there would be no one there to make sure it was okay.”

(At this point I don’t want her taking an animal due to her lack of knowledge and the potential danger the pet would be put in.)

Me: *hands her a book on guinea pigs* “There is also plenty of information online so you can be better prepared.”

Customer: “Okay.” *turns to her daughter* “We better just get this! It’s a lot more work than we thought for your first pet!”

Daughter: “Second. We had a fish.”

Customer: “Oh, yes. Second pet.”

(I shook my head as I walked back to my store section, thinking that the fish is definitely dead.)

Universally Speaking

, | UK | Extra Stupid, School, Technology

(I work on a sales chat service for a large IT company. Customers come through and ask us questions about products, prices, etc. We offer a discount for students so this is something we get asked on a lot.)

Customer: “I would like to buy a computer. How much is it with the education discount?”

Me: “I’d be happy to help with that! If you can let me know where you’re studying and which computer it is you’re looking to purchase then I can certainly check if there is a discount available on that for you.”

Customer: “[University], [model of computer].”

Me: “Perfect, thanks! With your discount, that model would cost you £945.60. Are you happy that this is the best computer for your needs?”

Customer: “I don’t know. I’m working in a budget. Is there a cheaper option?”

Me: “What sort of budget did you have in mind?”

Customer: “£1000.”

Me: “Well, the model above does cost less than £1000, so it does come in under your budget.”

Customer: “Okay. This model will be fine, then.”

Me: “Are you sure that this model would be suitable for your university work?”

Customer: “I don’t know. What can I not do on this computer that I can do on another?”

Me: “Well, that’s a very difficult question to answer. If you can tell me what sort or stuff you’ll be using it for, I’d be happy to let you know if it’s suitable.”

Customer: “Is [lower spec model] better?”

Me: “Again, it really depends on what you will be using it for.”

Customer: “University work.”

Me: “Okay, and what sort of thing would that involve?”

Customer: “Using software for assignments.”

Me: “Can you clarify what sort of software you would be using?”

Customer: “I don’t know. Things for university.”

(I gave up asking at that point and wished him a nice day.)

Bugging Out About It

| NE, USA | Money, Theme Of The Month, Transportation

(We always know in the summer rental cars will come back with lots of dead bugs on the front bumper and windshield. This was a joke we used frequently.)

Me: “Wow, looks like you hit a lot of bugs on the road out there!”

Customer: “Yeah. I was out on a lot of country roads.”

Me: “You know it’s a $1 per bug cleaning charge, right?”

Customer: *immediately irate, stands up in a huff* “THAT IS OUTRAGEOUS. I WILL NOT PAY THAT! I WANT TO SEE YOUR MANAGER!”

Me: “Whoa. Just a little joke, sir.”

Customer: *sitting down, still upset* “Well, that’s stupid. And not funny.

(I stopped telling the bug joke after that…)

Some Employees Never Grow Up

| Seattle, WA, USA | Bad Behavior, Books & Reading, Funny Names, Theme Of The Month

(When employees forget their name tags we have temporary tags for them to write their name on and stick them to their shirts. One day I forget my tag, so I grab a temporary one and write ‘Smee’ as my name. I am called to assist an older couple with an issue at a register. After the issue is taken care of the conversation goes as follows:)

Wife: “Smee? What kind of name is that?”

Me: “Oh, it’s an old family name. Goes back many generations.”

Wife:  “Really? Is it European?”

Me:  “English, actually. It started with a famous relative.”

Wife:  “Oh, how famous?

(The husband turns away and suppresses a laugh and smile.)

Me: “Well I had a great, great, great, great, great uncle who sailed with a famous sea captain as his first mate.”

Wife:  “Really? What sea captain was that?”

Me:  “Oh, you know, Captain Hook!”

(The husband cracks up.)

Wife:  “Oh, my. Wait. Who?”

(At this point I got called away to another register. As I left the husband and the cashier were laughing and the wife was asking who Captain Hook is.)

Page 960/2,997First...958959960961962...Last