This Will Become Herb And Legend

| NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I am working as a bartender in a posh Upper East Side Italian restaurant that often has long waits for tables. Customers are encouraged to order drinks and appetizers from the bar. We have just begun offering Neapolitan style pizzas as an appetizer. An older, affluent couple sits down in the bar area and proceeds to order drinks and ask about our different pizza offerings.)

Customer: “Could you tell us a little more about your white pizza.”

Me: “Yes, sir. It is a thin Neapolitan style pizza topped with olive oil and an herb and cheese blend.”

Customer: “Excuse me, but do we look like saggy pants wearing, hip hop rap loving, people? This is an affluent, sophisticated neighborhood. Why would you even consider serving us urban cheese. Do we look like we are on welfare?”

Customer’s Wife: *loudly* “I mean, my god, what would make you think your customers would ever pay $14 for something with urban cheese on it. I am disgusted at the thought.”

Me: “I am terribly sorry to have caused you so much concern. I believe I may have spoken too fast and caused a misunderstanding. The pizza bianca con erbe e formaggio is a pizza without tomato sauce, instead it is made with olive oil and an HERRRB and cheese blend.”

(They asked for a moment to think about it, and as I returned to the bar I noticed they very quietly got up and left the restaurant.)

Covered For The Next 20 Years

| Alexandria, VA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

Employee: “How can I help you, sir?”

Me: “I just bought this phone yesterday and I can’t hear anyone who calls me. They sound muffled and tinny.”

Employee: “Ah, I know what your problem is.”

(I haven’t even shown him my phone yet, so I assume he’s going to give me some smart-a** presumptuous answer.)

Employee: “Did you leave the plastic cover on the screen that ships with the phone?”

Me: “Well, yeah, at least until I buy a good screen protector.”

Employee: “…”

Me: “Oh. It covers the speaker, too, doesn’t it? That’s rather embarrassing.”

Employee: “Don’t worry; you’re not the first to come in here with that problem.”

Me: “Oh, good, that makes me feel better.”

Employee: “But you are the youngest by about 20 years.”

It’s An Acquired Taste

| Fort Collins, CO, USA | Bad Behavior, Money, Wild & Unruly

(I work in acquisitions for a major credit card company. We’re the people you call when you want to sign up for a new credit card, or to be taken off the mailing list for pre-approved credit card offers. This day, I am listening in to help train a new employee. I’ve been explaining to her some of the things about this department before she takes any calls.)

Me: “So, a lot of calls you get will be people wanting to be removed from the mailing list for pre-approved offers. It’s usually not a big deal, but some people make it way bigger of a deal than they need to. So, get used to a lot of yelling and verbal abuse.”

New Employee: “Oh, well, I worked in Retention before transferring here. I had to deal with all SORTS of angry customers trying to cancel their credit cards, so I know how to diffuse angry customers.”

(The phone rings.)

New Employee: “Thank you for calling [Credit Card]. My name is [New Employee]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, you can take me off your d*** mailing list!”

New Employee: “Okay, I’d be happy to help you with that. First I just need—”

Customer: “I can’t believe you people keep sending me this crap! As if I don’t have enough junk mail to deal with already!”

New Employee: “I’m terribly sorry to hear that, but—”

Customer: “And you f****** scam artists, always trying to swindle people with your credit scams! Probably selling my social security number to everyone you know! What if someone else had stolen my mail and filled out this offer in my name?!”

New Employee: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but to—”

Customer: “Do you know how much of a headache you cause me with your d*** f****** junk mail?! I oughtta sue all your a**** for everything you’re worth!”

New Employee: “Ma’am—”

Customer: “You haven’t heard the last of me! I’ll tell everyone I f****** know to stay away from you! All you’ve done is harass me!”

New Employee: “Ma’am, can I—”

Customer: “Well, F*CK YOU!” *slams down the phone, ending the call*

Me: “Welcome to Acquisitions.”