This Is Why You Question Their Knowledge Of Questions

| UT, USA | Right | December 14, 2015

(I’m at a very busy convention listening to a guest panel.)

Panelist: “Okay, we’re going to open the floor for questions now, but let me warn you: we’re short on time, so I only want short, one-sentence QUESTIONS, okay? No background, no long life stories. Just ask your question and go. Everyone understand?”

Audience: *nods and murmurs their agreement*

Panelist: “You all get it? Questions ONLY. You learned the difference between questions and statements in kindergarten so I’m trusting you all to be smart about this. Again, everyone understands, QUESTIONS ONLY?”

Audience: *laughs and shouts YES*

Panelist: “Okay, first question.”

Audience Member: “Hi! I’m from Colorado and I’ve been a huge fan of your work since I was a little kid…”

Panelist: *puts head in hands* “NEXT!”

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Can’t Buy The Seedy CD

| TX, USA | Right | December 14, 2015

(I’m a music team lead at a branch of a major chain of bookstores. We’re located in a shopping square in a rich neighborhood. Because of our location and the level of attempted theft we’ve seen, our music, DVDs, audio-books, and e-readers have been placed in a separate section with EAS (Electronic Article Surveillance) scanners. Leads been instructed not to allow items in the section onto the book floor without having been checked out, and to put the EAS sound over other customers, as the customers get it and it’s usually a check-out misunderstanding. We are to use our best judgment on who we allow in and out of the section. This particular late night, there’s a homecoming dance at a nearby high school. It’s also best to mention I play piano and guitar at a restaurant down the street two nights a week.)

Me: *having been assisting a customer and heard the EAS sound off* “Excuse me, sir, if you’re still shopping I can hold your CDs here for you until you’re ready to check out.”

Young Customer: *dressed up in a tailored suit* “No, that’s okay. My mom’s just waiting for me at the front.” *starts to leave again*

Me: “I understand. Unfortunately, we have to keep all CDs and films in this section until they’re checked out. Are you ready to purchase?”

Young Customer: “No, I just want to show this to my mom.” *the CDs are by a classic rock group with PG-suggested labels on the fronts*

Me: “I can hold the CDs here for you while you go get her.”

Young Customer: *progressively getting louder* “But she’s just right there!”

Me: “Sir, store policy is we can not allow product beyond this point without a receipt.”

Young Customer: “This is bull-s***! I’m back here all the time! Your store should know that I’m a good kid!! My mom knows I’m a good kid!”

Me: *beyond annoyed but still professional, having quietly paged for the manager on duty* “Sir, I need you to lower your voice, please. As I’ve stated, you can show them to her. You would just need to bring her back here.”

Young Customer: “You don’t know what you’re talking about! You’re new and already know everything, don’t you?!”

Me: “I’ve worked here for over a year, sir, and our policy’s been the same.”

Young Customer: “Just because I’m a teenager doesn’t mean I’m a thief! I’ll have my dad sue for unlawful discrimination!”

(My manager, a friend and fellow musician, arrives and I explain the situation.)

Manager: “Unfortunately, sir, she’s correct. I can accompany you to find your mother while she holds the CDs for you.”

Young Customer: “My dad’s a lawyer! He won’t stand for this sh***y place staying open after this!”

Mother: *having finally heard the ruckus* “What did he do thi— Oh, hello, [My Name]! How’re you doing? Will you be playing tomorrow night?”

Me: *recognizing her as a frequent patron of the restaurant* “Yes, ma’am. Looking forward to it. Is this your son?”

Mother: *clearly just as annoyed as me* “I said I wouldn’t buy those CDs for you! They’re not appropriate for your age! Now give them to the young woman and get your butt in the car.”

Young Customer: *blushes heavily, stammers, then finally leaves with his apologetic mom*

Manager: “He’ll never show his face back here again.”

Me: “If he does, I’ll change the in-store playlist to Buddy Guy. That oughta keep ‘im out.”

These Customers Have Totally Checked Out

| Fargo, ND, USA | Right | December 14, 2015

(The customer returns $680 worth of purses.)

Me: “Okay… so that will be $680 going back onto your Visa card.”

Customer: “I can’t have cash?”

Me: “No, we can only do returns in the way that you made the purchase and it says here that you used your Visa card.”

Customer: “I just want the cash.”

Me: “I can only give you your money back in the way you paid. So $680 will be going back onto your Visa card.”

Customer: *looks at me like I’m stupid and calls her husband over*

Husband: “She just wants cash.”

Me: “Yes, well, if she had paid in cash I would be able to do that, but since she used her Visa card the money will be transferred back onto that account.”

Customer: “So, they are going to send me a check?”

Me: “No, the money just gets transferred back into your account.”

Husband: “But she already paid that.”

Me: “Exactly, and now that we are doing the return she will be getting that money back on her account.”

Husband: “So, they are going to be sending her a check.”

Me: “No, it will be transferred onto her Visa card.”

Husband: *looks at wife* “They will just send you a check.”

Me: “Okay… here’s your receipt. Thank you.”

The Ticket To Kicking Her Out

| NY, USA | Right | December 14, 2015

(I’m standing in line at the 9/11 memorial in New York, waiting to go in for the 2 pm viewing. As you can imagine, it’s very crowded. Each ticket is booked for a specific time to prevent overcrowding and to keep numbers at safe levels. It’s currently 1:30 pm; I’ve gotten in line early as I expected there would be a lot of people – which there is. There is an employee standing near the entrance to the lines directing people where they should stand. All of a sudden a woman pushes in front of me…)

Woman: *shouting* “I HAVE A 1 pm TICKET! YOU HAVE TO LET ME IN NOW!”

Employee: “I apologize, but you will need to go to the back of the line. You will still be able to get in with that ticket but I cannot allow you to push in front of the other patrons.”

Woman: “No. I should be let in first. I bought an earlier ticket then they did.”

Employee: *sigh* “Can I have a look at your ticket, please?”

Woman: *triumphantly thrusting a piece of paper in his face* “Here!”

Employee: *looking at piece of paper a little bigger than a credit card with ‘reference’ and numbers scrawled after it* “Ma’am, this isn’t a ticket… I can’t let you into the museum with this. You will need to go to the ticket window so they can print it for you, the line is just over there to your left.”

Woman: *now irate* “WHAT? You expect me to stand in a line? Look up my reference number and let me in NOW!”

Employee: “I have no facilities to do that with. The only people that can help you with that are in the ticket office. You need to—”

Woman: *now screaming* “NO! I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO STAND IN LINES! THAT’S WHY I BOOKED AN EARLY TICKET AND CAME LATE! I’M SMARTER THAN THEM!” *gesturing to other people in line*

(A HUGE security guard appears, and speaks to the employee:)

Security Guard: “Is there anything wrong here? I can escort her off the premises if you need.”

Woman: *sizing up security guard* “Oh… the ticket line is over here, you say?”

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Credit Card Declines

| Right | December 13, 2015

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