In A Nut Shell: You’re Lying

| England, UK | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Liars & Scammers

(I and my husband own a tea room. We only serve drinks and cakes (sweet pie/pastries/donuts, etc.), absolutely nothing hot or savoury. We also do party platters. We are well known in our area for being a nut-free establishment due to my husband’s (the baker) severe allergy.)

Customer: “I need a refund on the food I ordered for my grandson’s birthday party at the weekend. I have the receipt.”

Me: “I’m sorry you weren’t happy. What was wrong with the food?”

Customer: “It was totally unsatisfactory! We paid a lot of money for your food and my daughter was most upset.”

(I’m looking over the receipt and notice it was a lot of money, over £100. Every food item is listed, with quantity, and it seems a lot for a child’s party. I call my husband to take a look and he remembers talking to the child’s mother on the phone and again when she picked everything up.)

Husband: “I remember when your daughter ordered it and picked it up. I asked her repeatedly if she had the numbers right. It was a lot of food for a nine-year-old’s party.”

Customer: “That’s not the point. All of the quiches were undercooked, the sandwiches had the wrong fillings, and the birthday cake had hazelnuts in it. My grandson has a nut allergy. He was rushed to hospital on his birthday. He could have died! DIED!”

(By now other customers are looking and listening in.)

Husband: “You’re lying.”

Customer: “Well, I never! How dare you speak to me like that! I want my money back!

Me: “Have you looked at this receipt? First, your daughter paid by card. Second, we do not sell anything other than cake. No sandwiches, quiche, sausage roll, nothing. Look around you. Look at our display cabinets. Only cake. And last, there were no nuts of any kind anywhere near your or anyone else’s food here. My husband is so allergic to all kind of nuts that we can’t even eat out anymore. He once served someone who had peanut butter for breakfast and he broke out in a rash and his hand swelled from touching the money. This is a 100% nut free shop. You walked past a sign on the window saying there are no nuts in our food.”

Customer: “You just don’t want to give me my money back.”

Me: “You didn’t pay. Your daughter paid with her debit card. If she comes in, with your grandson’s hospital discharge papers, I will refund her. Other than that I’ll assume that she over ordered, spent too much money, regrets it, and sent you to try and trick us. I have your daughter’s details here. If you don’t leave I’ll have to call her and tell her you are making fraudulent claims and I will contact the police.”

Customer: *recoiling a bit and deciding to leave* “I think I’ll send my daughter in here to sort this out.”

(As she leaves I realise all our other customers are staring at me.)

Other Customer: “Do you think I could get a wrongly filled sandwich and a hazelnut birthday cake?”

(At least that lightened the mood.)

Seems To Be Their Calling Card

| USA | At The Checkout, Criminal & Illegal, Extra Stupid

 

(A customer has just left after paying for their stuff with a credit card. A few minutes later…)

Customer: “Hi, again. I left my credit card behind. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Let me see.” *looks around the register, counter, and pin-pad machine* “Is it on the floor?”

Customer: “No. Well, where is it?”

Me: “I do not know.”

Customer: “You didn’t check out anyone else, did you?”

Me: “I have not.”

Customer: “I checked my purse, my pockets, and my bags. I can’t find it. Do you have it?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I haven’t seen it.”

Customer: “You have it. Don’t lie to me. It’s not right to steal credit cards. Call your manager, now! You thief! Give me back my card!”

(I call the manager up.)

Manager: “Are you sure you checked everywhere?”

Customer: “Just check him! I should be calling the police.”

(I reveal my pockets. My manager checks all around my station, and then:)

Customer: “Oh, silly me. I put it in my glasses case. Thank heavens I found it.”

(The customer leaves.)

Me: “No, no. Just forget that you were blatantly accusing me to be a thief. Feel free to leave without a heartfelt apology.”

Manager: “Don’t worry. At least the police didn’t get involved this time.”

Me: “This time?!”

His Attitude Speaks Volumes

| Cambridge, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Books & Reading, Crazy Requests

(I am browsing in a well-known book store. There is an employee a few feet away from me currently filling and pricing an entire bookcase by herself. Bypassing the customer service desk right next to me, an angry-looking man storms towards the employee.)

Customer: “You! You need to help me! I’m looking for volume 12 of [Popular New Manga Series] and you need to get it for me!”

Employee: “Oh. Well, all our manga books are just there, where that lady is currently stood.”

Customer: “But I can’t find it! You need to get it for me now!”

Employee: “I’m ever so sorry, but I’m unable to leave these books unattended at the moment. There should be another of my colleagues that might be able to help you find it at the customer service desk which is just ov—”

Customer: “But YOU need to help me! I’ve asked you! My son needs that volume and YOU need to get it for him!”

Employee: “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do for you.”

(The man storms off back in my direction, shouting back at the employee.)

Customer: “Well, you’ve been a TREMENDOUS help! Thanks for nothing, you stupid b****!”

Me: “Hey, there’s absolutely no need for that!”

Customer: “And just what are YOU going to do about it, b****?!”

Me: “Hmmm, I don’t know… Oh, wait. Didn’t I hear you say you were looking for the new volume of [Popular New Manga Series]? Volume 12, wasn’t it?”

Customer: “Yeah? What of it?!”

Me: “Forgive me if I’m wrong, but the book I’m currently holding just happens to be that volume, doesn’t it?”

Customer: “Yes! Where was that?!”

Me: “Exactly where the employee told you it was before you berated her. Such a shame that this is the last copy as well. Seeing as you were such an insufferable d*****bag, you now get to watch me carry it to the checkout and purchase it! Bye!”

(The man screamed at me and the employee for so long that the police were called. The employee actually bought the book for me out of her own pocket as a way of thanking me!)

Bill Of Rights

| NY, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Money

(The gas station I work at frequently runs out of small bills on the weekends so we have a difficult time making change. Normally, we put large, colorful signs on the front counters asking for smaller bills, and most people will oblige, but we still get people who try to ask for change after using the ATM.)

Customer: “Could I get change for this twenty?”

Me: “I’m sorry. We don’t have any small bills to spare.” *points at neon pink sign*

Customer: “That’s stupid. Just give me some change.”

Me: “I can’t. I won’t be able to make change for people who actually buy something.”

Customer: “Fine, whatever!”

(He then proceeds to wander the store, finally picking out the cheapest item we have, a 50-cent package of crackers, and walks back up to the counter.)

Customer: “Yeah, I’d like these.” *hands me a twenty*

Me: “Sir, I really don’t have change for this.”

Customer: “Just sell me this so I can get some f****** change!”

(I ended up giving it to him just to get him out of the store.)

Waiting For The Bad Customer That Never Comes

| Milwaukee, WI, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Time

(I’m getting food at a rather well-known fast-food joint that specializes in American-Chinese cuisine. I’ve just finished placing a large order.)

Cashier: “The [dish] is out right now. Would you like something else, or would you like to wait? It’ll be about 10 minutes to make another batch.”

Me: “I’m fine with waiting. Thank you.”

Cashier: “Okay, that’ll be [total]. Can I have your name so I can call you when it’s all ready?”

(I give her my name, pay, and take a step back to wait. About three minutes pass and I notice her walking out to me with a cup.)

Cashier: “Sir, I’m sorry it’s taking so long. Would you like a complimentary drink?”

Me: “Uh… sure, I guess. It’s really no problem though. Only 10 minutes, right?”

Cashier: “Thank you for being so understanding!”

(She hands me the cup and goes back to serving other customers. Another three minutes pass and I notice one of her coworkers is waving me over to the counter.)

Coworker: “We’re really sorry for the wait, sir. Would you like a complimentary order of egg rolls for your trouble?”

Me: “Thank you for the offer, but no. Seriously, I’m really fine with the wait. It’s no problem.”

Coworker: “Okay, then. Just let us know if there’s anything we can do for you.”

(I step back from the counter and wait a few more minutes until the cashier calls my name.)

Cashier: “Here you are, sir! I’m so sorry for the delay, I tossed in a few orders of egg rolls and rangoon because it took so long.”

Me: “Really, that’s very nice, but you didn’t have to do that. You were up-front with the wait time and it took almost exactly what you told me. You really don’t owe me any free food or even the drink.”

(Suddenly it all clicks.)

Me: “People still freak out when they have to wait even after you tell them how long it’s going to be, don’t they?”

Cashier: “You have no idea. Have a great day!”

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