Honesty Unplugged

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

Caller: “Hello, my— Oh, s***, wait. Never mind, I forgot to plug it in. I swear I’m getting dumber every year.” *click*

Me: “… Well, all right, then.”

(Wrong numbers notwithstanding, that was the shortest call of my career.)

One Man’s Chocolate Is Another Man’s Poison

| Clearwater, FL, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

(My boyfriend and I are walking through a store when he notices a chocolate fountain on display.)

Boyfriend: “Who would actually buy one of these? You can just rent them.”

Me: “Probably someone who entertains a lot.”

Boyfriend: “But if you owned one then your guests would never leave!”

(Another customer has overheard us and butts in.)

Random Creepy Customer: “Poison! If you poison them then they’ll never come back!”

Boyfriend: “… I guess that’s true.”

(At this point, my boyfriend quickly leads me to another aisle.)

Boyfriend: *whispering* “If you ever see that customer again, don’t eat anything she offers you!”

How To Kiss Problem Customers Goodbye

| IN, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

(I normally take my lunch break when my husband gets off work. Today is a really busy day and I’m not getting my lunch break, so my husband has approached me at my checkout line. I give my husband a hug and quick peck on the cheek and say goodbye. I turn to my next customer.)

Customer: “Where’s mine?”

Me: “Your what?”

Customer: *very serious* “My hug and kiss. He got one. I want one, too.”

Me: “Oh! I only hug and kiss the customers I’m married to.”

Customer: *disgusted* “Well, that’s not good customer service. I wanted a hug and kiss!”

(A coworker then decides to step in. He’s a big guy about 6″ tall and very heavy.)

Coworker: “Well, it would be a shame to let you leave unhappy.”

Customer: “I know. It’s not fair that she kisses other men but won’t give me one!”

Coworker: “I’ll take care of that for you.”

(My coworker walks towards the customer with his arms out.)

Coworker: “Let me show her what customer service is. I’ll take care of that hug and kiss.”

Customer: “Uh… No, thanks!” *walks quickly to the front register*

Coworker: *to me* “What about my hug and kiss?”

Me: *smirks* “What about that marriage proposal?”

Driven Over The Edge

, | TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal, Transportation, Wild & Unruly

(My mother and I are entering a parking lot with the intent to go shopping when a large blue truck turns down the wrong lane and cuts us off. Trying to be courteous, my mom hurries to park in the nearest lot to allow him through. He sits there instead.)

Driver: “F****** b**** driver.”

Mom: “Excuse me?”

Driver: “Yeah, I’m talking to you. You f****** b****es need to learn how to drive. You were going way too f****** fast down that lane and you almost hit me!”

Mom: “I most certainly did not! You cut me off.”

Driver: “The f*** I did, you b****! You cut ME off! I ought to slam the s*** out of your car, you f***.”

Me: *getting angry* “Hey, inbred, I dare you.”

Driver: *noticing me* “F*** you, you ugly w****!

(He jerks his wheel toward us like he’s about to ram us and I stand my ground.)

Me: “What was that about running our car over?”

Driver: “Yeah, you keep talking, w****. I’m about to get out and f*** you up!”

Me: “Try it.”

(He hasn’t noticed this whole time that he’s in a parking lot full of witnesses and that one of these witnesses has gone in to get the police officer who acts as lot security. He’s outside listening, silently moving up along the truck waiting for the guy to do something.)

Driver: “B****! Keep talking, you fat f*** skank b****. Need to f****** learn the right of way.”

Me: “Buddy, from what I see, you’re just running your lip and making a moron out of yourself. Instead of turning into a larger humiliation, maybe you should drive on and shut up.”

Driver: “F*** YOU!”

(The driver again jerks his wheel and almost slams into the car parked near us.)

Driver: “I’m going to f*** your face up, you c***!”

(He climbs out of his truck and BAM! He’s instantly against the side of his truck with his arms behind his back, because the officer grabs hold of him once he’s stepped down.)

Cop: “That’s assault, attempted assault, we’ll slap in attempted vehicular manslaughter if you open your mouth again, and on top of that driving while intoxicated. Thank you, ladies. Have a nice day!”

Going Into A Song And Dance Over It

| CA, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Musical Mayhem

(A customer is buying over $200 worth of used CDs, most of which are missing barcodes and have to be manually entered. To boot, they are mostly classical, which means they’re covered in text, often in different languages, etc., and it’s hard to pick out the information I need.)

Customer: “Is there any way this can go any faster? I’m in quite a hurry.”

(Yes, I’m sure he picked out all 50 friggin’ CDs in QUITE a hurry.)

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