Making You Feel Washed Out

| Maple Ridge, BC, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology, Transportation

(A customer has purchased a car wash.)

Customer: “I’ve never done this here before. What do I do now?”

Me: “Oh, it’s very simple. Just pull around to the entrance over there, and punch this code here into the keypad there. Then the red light will go green. Just drive in slowly until it turns red. It’ll wash your car, and when it goes green again you can go. Make sure you’ve rolled all the windows up before you go in.”

Customer: “Wait, I go in on the… red?

Me: “No, it’s just like a traffic light. Stop on the red, go on the green.”

Customer: “So, I go in when it goes…?”

Me: “When it turns green, yes. Just like a traffic light. Red means stop, green means go.”

Customer: “What do I do when it’s red?”

Me: “You stop. The brushes move around you, and when it’s done, the light will go green again, and you can go.”

Customer: “So I stop on the red, and go on the green? No, wait, that’s not right…”

Me: “No, that’s right. It’s JUST like a traffic light. When it turns green you drive in; when it turns red you stop.”

Customer: “So, I… go in when it’s green?”

Me: “Yup! Green means go. They both start with G’s, so it’s easy to remember.”

Customer: “Oh, okay! So green means go. Okay! But then red means…?”

Me: “Red means stop. Just like a traffic light.”

(The customer goes, clutching her code and repeating ‘Green means go, red means stop’ under her breath. Sure enough, she runs into trouble, and we have to go out and help her. The worst part is that SHE DROVE HERE.)

A Drink Of Fire And Ice

| TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

Me: “Would you like your drink hot or iced today, sir?”

Customer: “Hmm?”

Me: “You have the option of having your drink hot or over ice.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Do you want your drink iced or hot?”

Customer: “I don’t know what that means.”

Out Of Gas And Out Of Patience

| MD, USA | Bad Behavior, Transportation

(It is the winter in the 70s, when people get their gas ration for the week according to the last number on the license plate. It is around 6am, and I need to drive to the gas station, get around the line of cars waiting, and open the pump. A customer in line starts shouting at me.)

Customer: “Hey! Kid! Quit cutting in the d*** line! I’ve been here an hour in this d*** cold! You can get your d*** gas when I’m done!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve just got to—”

Customer: “Don’t give me that; quit cutting in the line! Get to the back!”

(The customer proceeds to block his car in. I get out and walk to the pump. Other customers greet me by name, ask about the family, etc. Soon the irate customer pulls up to the pump.)

Customer: “Fill it.”

Me: *hangs the handle up* “I’m sorry, we’re out.”

Customer: “But I’ve been sitting here running my car!”

Me: “You should have thought of that before I had to walk up. Other customers used more gas, too. See you next week!”

Changing His Tune

| AB, Canada | Crazy Requests, Musical Mayhem

(I work at a radio station. I answer a call.)

Caller: “Yeah, what’s this song you’re playing right now?”

Me: “Why, it’s [name and title of song].”

Caller: “Well, whatever it is, it’s bull-s***! I can’t believe you’d allow such a s*** song on the air. YOU SUCK AT YOUR JOB!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, sir.”

Caller: “Well, there’s only one way you can fix this. Play Kick Start My Heart by Motley Crue.”

Me: “I can’t do that, sir. We don’t have that song.”

Caller: “WHY THE F*** NOT?”

Me: “We’re not a classic rock station, sir. As such, our selection of classic rock is rather limited.”

Caller: “Look, I’m the voice of the people! And the people have decided that you suck, and the music you play sucks. So PLAY MY SONG!”

Me: “As I said, sir, I can’t do that, because we don’t have it. The best I can do is pass that suggestion along to my boss, and if he agrees with you, we’ll get it. Perhaps you’d like to talk to my boss directly about this? I can transfer your call—”

Caller: “SO YOU WANT ME TO DO YOUR JOB FOR YOU? JUST PLAY MY F****** SONG!”

(He proceeds to call me and my station a variety of names until I get tired of him and hang up. This goes on twice a day for about a month. Every time one of the popular female artists of today comes on, he’ll call me up, cuss me out, and demand to hear ‘Kick Start My Heart.’ One day, the only Motley Crue song in our library, ‘Girls, Girls, Girls,’ comes up in the playlist. I play it, and he calls.)

Caller: “So you finally decided to f****** listing to me and get Motley Crue. NOW PLAY KICK START MY HEART!”

Me: “I can’t do that, sir. We don’t have it.”

Caller: “I know you have Kick Start My Heart!”

Me: “What makes you think that?”

Caller: “Because you’re playing Girls, Girls, Girls! It’s on the same album! So if you have Girls, Girls, Girls, you’ve got to have Kick Start My Heart!”

Me: “Sir, I took your concerns to my boss. I told him that the people were demanding that we add Kick Start My Heart to our library. After a lengthy exchange, he decided the only Motley Crue song I could have is the radio single of Girls, Girls, Girls.”

(There is a lengthy silence from the other end of the line. Finally, he speaks, but instead of cussing me out, he has turned into an incredibly polite person.)

Caller: “Oh, I didn’t know that. In all that time, you were actually listening to me, and taking my concerns. Hey, you did your best and thanks for that. By the way, love your station and love your show. Keep up the good work!”

Price-Rise Of The Machines

| OH, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Technology

(We recently had a coupon printer installed that gives out coupons to customers. It says “Please take your coupon” whenever it prints.)

Coupon printer: “Please take your coupon.”

Customer: “NO! SHUT UP! I’M NOT TAKING MY COUPON!”

Me: “But… don’t you want your coupon? It’s good for 50 cents off a granola bar.”

Customer: “I would rather pay full price than do anything a robot tell me to!”