A Significant Flight Risk

| Honolulu, HI, USA | At The Checkout, Love/Romance, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month, Transportation

(I work in a very touristy part of town and we have a lot of flight attendants who stop through the store. I see a guy and help him at the computer. This guy is close to 60.)

Me: “So you just click here and it should be good.”

Customer: “Oh, thank you. Say, where are you from?”

Me: “The Philippines.”

Customer: “Oh, my friend met his wife there. He basically waited outside of the college she was attending everyday and finally convinced him to go out with her. She eventually said yes. I’ve been there a few times since I’m a flight attendant. Beautiful women you know.”

Me: “That’s nice. I’m gonna go help out some other people. Ask me if you have other questions.”

(I loop around a couple more times around the store answering questions. He flags me down.)

Customer: “Marry me and you’ll fly for free.”

Me: “Ha ha. That’s the same line my friend’s dad used 30 years ago on his wife.”

Customer: “Well, it’s a good line.”

Me: “I think I’ll pass, but thank you anyway.”

(I loop around the store again, and start demonstrating a product features. I see him lingering in the back waiting for me to finish.)

Customer: “Thank you for helping me out tonight. You’re really sweet. Here’s my card.”

Me: “Uh. Thanks.”

(The card said, “You’re really charming and here’s my number. Let’s meet for drinks after work.” I never called, but he came back a few weeks later asking for help with his phone from my coworker. His phone background was a picture of some woman’s breasts. Gross.)

Like A Dog After A Bone

| USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month

(It’s about half an hour before closing time on a Saturday, which is jokingly referred to by the employees as ‘the creeper hour’ because of all the strange customers we get during that time. However, this night has been relatively slow and weird-free. Customer #1, a man, comes to my line and sets down two cartons of ice cream.)

Me: “How are you today?”

Customer #1: “Fine, thanks. My dog wanted to go for a ride, so I thought I’d reward myself for listening to him.”

(I kind of laugh with the customer and ring through his order. After he pays, he still stands at my register, staring at me.)

Me: “Can I help you with anything else?”

Customer #1: “My dog is a real little dog. It’s probably tearing up my car right now. I can never get him to settle down.”

Me: “Yeah, smaller dogs tend to have more energy.”

Customer #1: “It’s because his parents are siblings.”

Me: “Oh…”

Customer #1: “I had the brother and sister dogs and they got together somehow. Had four puppies. One was born with heart problems and died. I gave two away.”

Me: *trying to not cringe* “Okay…”

Customer #1: “I don’t know how they did it. I don’t know why they did it. Why do brother and sister dogs f***? I caught them once. I couldn’t get the brother dog off his sister. You just never forget those kinds of things.”

Me: “Sir, do you mind just—”

(At this point, a second customer comes to my line. She loudly throws some soup cans on the conveyor belt.)

Customer #2: “Oh, hello, sweetie! How are you tonight?”

(Customer #1 glares at her and moves down a little, but still is at my register and opens his mouth as if to continue talking.)

Customer #2: *loudly* “Boy, I can’t believe how great the sales are this week! Oh, do you mind putting my milk in a bag? I hate to be a bother, but it’s just easier to carry.”

(Customer #1 finally seems to get that he can’t continue talking about his incestuous dogs and actually pouts as he walks away.)

Customer #2: “Actually sweetie, I’m sorry. I’m not done shopping yet. I still need to get a couple more things. You just looked like you needed a way out.”

Me: “Oh, my god, thank you so much. Here, I’ll unload the rest of your things and ring them through while you go get what else you need.”

Customer #2: “But did I hear him right? Did he really say what I think he said? Who even thinks that that’s okay?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t mean to be crass but if you think that’s weird then you don’t want to hear the other stuff people have said to me.”

(She laughs and gets the rest of her groceries. When she pays, she asks for $5 cash back and gives it to me for ‘putting up with the village of idiots.’)

Doesn’t Want To Provide Proof

| East Lothian, Scotland, UK | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Religion

(An elderly Muslim woman and her niece, who is in her 30s, are regular customers. They are both very nice people and are always friendly. Today the niece is in on her own and approaches the checkout.)

Niece: “Is my aunt in?”

Me: “I haven’t seen her.”

Niece: “Is her car in the car park?”

(I look as far as I can into the store car park.)

Me: “I can’t see it.”

Niece: “Good. Can I have a litre-bottle of [Cheap Brand] vodka, please.”

A Messy Apology

| Hattiesburg, MS, USA | Health & Body, Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(I work the afternoon shift at a mid-market hotel, so I make a lot of welcome calls to guests that have checked in just to make sure that they like the room.)

Me: “Hey, this is [My Name] at the front desk. How are you?”

Guest: “I’m good!”

Me: “Wonderful. How do you like the room so far?”

Guest: “Oh, the room’s great, except for the semen we found on the floor… Oh, wait, that’s mine!”

Me: *stammering for the right words* “Um, ok, well, if you have any questions or if you need anything just let me know.”

(The guest called back around five minutes later with an apology and an explanation. Apparently, he thought I was a friend of his by the same name that was due to check in to the hotel later that afternoon. Suffice it to say he was incredibly embarrassed.)

Love Of Turquoise Makes Everyone Else Red

| Australia | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

(I work in a fairly busy dive shop that sells a large range of snorkeling equipment as well. A couple comes in. She is about 6’0” tall, in a short and incredibly tight turquoise dress that doesn’t flatter her figure at all, wearing a turquoise necklace and very heavy turquoise make up. He is about 5’5″, bald, and very shy.)

Woman: “Hi. I am looking for a snorkel set, but it HAS to be turquoise. It is my FAVOURITE colour!”

Me: “Of course, not a problem. If you just turn around you’ll see our snorkel sets on the wall.”

(I proceed to talk them through the different options, but she is very focused on the only turquoise one, which barely fits her.)

Woman: “Ooooh, [Man], do you think I look pretty in this?! Of course you do. Should I kiss you now or in the car?”

(At that, she throws herself at him, making them both fight for balance. His face gets deep red and he mumbles something incomprehensible, all the while she is basically licking his face. I decide to go back to the counter and give them some privacy.)

Woman: *coming up to the counter* “Hooo-hooo! We are taking this set! It is so beautiful and my sexy stud here is buying it for me. Isn’t he CUTE!?”

(I start ringing it up.)

Woman: “Oh, is that a Scorpio necklace? Are you a Scorpio?”

Me: “No, my boyfriend is. It is his necklace, but I like wearing it.”

Woman: *pointing at the man* “Ooh, he is a Scorpio, too!” *leaning towards me* “Does your boyfriend have the same… STING in his, ahem, TAIL, as he does?” *giggles*

(I am speechless, and the man looks like he wants to die.)

Woman: *nudging the man* “Don’t deny it. You are such a wild one between the sheets!”

(The man pays, grabs the set, sort of nods at me without making eye contact, and leaves.)

Woman: “Don’t worry. I am gonna be grateful tonight!”

(They leave.)

Coworker: *staring at me wide eyed* “What the…?”

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