Work Hard, Break A Leg

, | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body

(I’m currently recovering from a broken leg. I am at work getting my schedule for the week. As I’m walking out the door, a customer entering the restaurant shoves the door open and hits me right in my bad leg. I fall to the floor, crumple over in pain, and the customer literally steps right over me without a word, as if nothing has happened and I am just in her way. She goes to order at the counter which is being manned by my manager, who has seen the whole thing happen.)

Manager: “You need to leave.”

Customer: “Why, because I hit that idiot? He was in my way.”

Manager: “Yes. That’s one of my employees, and he just had surgery on the leg you hit.”

Customer: “Well he shouldn’t have been standing there!”

Me: “I was trying to open the door and leave; I wasn’t just standing in front of the door.”

Customer: “That’s hardly my problem. Now take my order.”

Manager: “We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, especially self-centered morons. Now get the h*** out of my store.”

Customer: “F*** you and f*** [restaurant chain]!”

(The customer storms out, literally walking right over me again.)

Manager: “[My name], why don’t you go ahead and take tomorrow off? I’ll cover for you.”

Me: “Thanks, I’m probably gonna need it!”

The Fully-Insured Walking Dead

| Draper, UT, USA | Geeks Rule, Technology, Theme Of The Month, Zombies

(My company sells music gear. We have a coverage plan that we are required to pitch to each customer on every item that qualifies. We are encouraged to get creative with our coverage pitches. I am talking to a woman about a keyboard.)

Me: “So, we offer this extended plan which covers any kind of accidental damage, wear and tear, and shipping costs. The only things we don’t cover are theft, intentional abuse, and acts of God. So, set on fire, struck by lightning, floods, tornadoes, zombie attacks—”

Customer: “What? You don’t cover zombies?!”

Me: “We will cover if the zombie accidentally knocks your keyboard over, or if it bleeds all over it. But if you intentionally hit the zombie with your keyboard, you’re on your own. And if that’s your zombie-killing weapon, may God be with you.”

Customer: “Do you watch The Walking Dead, by any chance?”

Me: “Yes, I do! Although, I am actually terrified of zombies. The main reason I watch the show is because I am a huge Norman Reedus fan.”

Customer:” Me, too! He’s my favorite character!”

(What follows is a ten minute conversation about the show itself, how awesome Daryl Dixon is, and the pros and cons of various zombie weapons. The customer makes my day. She bought coverage, too!)

A Cursory Attitude To Cursing

| MI, USA | Books & Reading, Language & Words

(A couple walk into my store.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you find anything?”

Woman: “Yes, we’re looking for the book Go the F**k to Sleep.”

Me: “I think I have that right back here.”

Man: “Honey, I think ‘go the F to sleep” is the polite way to say that.”

Me: “No worries. If I’m selling it, I should be able to hear it.

Man: “Touché.”

A-Meow-Rica

| Noblesville, IN, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

(I am a customer at a pet store purchasing a dog harness. It is actually for my cat, who is too big for a cat harness.)

Cashier: “What a cute harness! What kind of dog do you have?”

Me: “It’s for my cat. She’s a Maine Coon.”

(The customer behind me overhears.)

Customer: “You can’t buy that! It’s for a dog!”

Me: “I know, but it will fit my cat.”

Customer: “That harness is for dogs only! D-O-G-S!”

Me: “But the cat harnesses are too small. My cat has to wear a dog harness.”

Customer: “Are you a foreigner or something? Real Americans like dogs!”

Me: “I am American and I like dogs, but I like cats, too.”

Customer: “Un-American!” *storms off*

Call-Waiting Will Keep Her Waiting

| Orlando, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Top

(I work in the meat and seafood section of our store. Two customers approach. Customer #1 is a forty-something woman in business attire, who is glued to her cell phone. I engage her first.)

Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

(Customer #1 holds up her index finger to me in the standard ‘wait’ gesture without making eye contact, and continues talking on her phone without missing a beat. I wait a few seconds to see if she’ll end the call. When she doesn’t, I go over to help Customer #2.)

Me: “Welcome to [store]. Can I help you?”

Customer #2: “Yes, I’d like one pound of—”

Customer #1: “Hey! I’m next in line! You never took my order!”

Me: “I’m sorry; I didn’t think you were ready to order.”

Customer #1: “Well, I am! Get over here and help me!”

Me: “I’ll be happy to help you once I’ve finished this lady’s order, ma’am.”

Customer #1: “I was here before her! You call your manager over here right now!”

(I call the manager over on the intercom, and go back to filling the Customer #2’s order. After a minute or so, the manager arrives.)

Manager: “What’s going on here?”

(I point to Customer #1, who is still on her phone call.)

Me: “She wants to talk to you.”

Manager: “Yes, ma’am? What seems to be the problem?”

Customer #1: *gives him the ‘wait’ finger*

Manager: “I don’t have time for this.”

(The manager starts walking away.)

Customer #1: “Hey, you get back here! This employee was rude to me!”

Manager: *gives her the ‘wait’ finger without turning around*

Customer #1: “ARGH! I hate this store!”