Don’t Believe In The BRAAAINZ

| S-Mart | April Fool's Day, Zombies

(I’ve had a long shift at a busy register and I can’t wait to get home.  The boss starts closing down the store, while telling everyone that zombies are running amuck outside.  My bagger and I look at each other.  The boss has been known for his silly humor, so we just roll our eyes and shrug it off.)

Me: *on automatic*  “How are you today? Do you have your [Store] savings card?”

Customer: “BRAAAIIINZ.”

Me: *scanning things from his cart* “Yeah, the boss is such a joker.  Who’d really believe there are zombies?”

Customer:  “BRAAAIIINZZ!”

Me: “Ok, sure.  So, do you want the milk bagged or just put in your cart with a sticker?”

Customer: “BRAAAAAAAAAAIIIINZZZZ!”  *he reaches a hand towards my head*

Me: *moving to avoid the hand* “Very funny, sir.  Your total is [total].”

(The customer slides his debit card and punches in the PIN.  I hand him his receipt.)

Me: “Have a good night, sir, and watch out for the ‘zombies’!”

Customer: “BRAAAAINZ!”

(That customer was one of the last ones out.  Shortly after, I left, although my boss tried to stop me while still going on about zombies.  I ignored him and was promptly bitten.  BRAAAINZ!)

Canned Response

| Landis Supermarket | April Fool's Day, Zombies

(I’m working at the customer service desk with my coworker.  For some reason, the customers keep making the same request…)

Customer #1:  “Brains!”

Me: *as we only carry canned pork brains* “Aisle four, bottom shelf next to the Spam.”

(Customer #1 wanders off.  The phone rings and I answer it.)

Customer #2: *to my coworker* “BRAAINS!”

Coworker:  “Aisle four, on the bottom shelf next to the Spam.”

(Customer #2 says nothing and walks away.  My phone call ends just as the boss comes behind the customer service desk.)

Boss: “[My Name], would you go back and check on the stock room? I called back there a half hour ago for them to do a restock on aisle four.  What is with this run of canned meat today?”

(I go back into the stock room, which is practically destroyed.  Boxes are torn open, and cartons and cans are thrown everywhere.  None of the people scheduled to work stock are there, and the back door is wide open.  I call the customer service desk and ask for the boss.)

Me: “Boss, I don’t know what happened, but it’s a disaster back here!  Nobody’s here and all the boxes have been ripped open.”

Boss: “OK, I’ll head back to help you.”

(He arrives a couple of minutes later.)

Boss:  *looking around*  “Holy s***, what a mess!   Hey, see if you can find the boxes of brains, okay?”

Me: “Brains?!”

Voice: “BRAAAINS?”

(Boss and I look up to see someone or something shambling at us, looking half dead and drooling.  We get the heck out of there, and barricade and lock the door behind us.)

Me: “Ok. Now what?”

Boss: “Now we call corporate.  I’m not paid enough to deal with a trashed stockroom AND a zombie invasion. Let them figure out what to do!”

(Corporate told him another shipment of brains was on its way. We’re still not sure just how they meant that.)

Night-Shift Of The Dead

| USA | April Fool's Day, Zombies

(I am working the customer-service desk for the night-shift at a 24-hour retailer in a huge supermarket. It is a very quiet shift, with the few customers in the store shopping silently and not needing customer-service. In the early hours of the morning, one of my coworkers who has the day off comes running in, looking filthy, exhausted, and covered in blood.)

Coworker: “What are you still doing here?!”

Me: “What do you mean? My shift isn’t over.”

Coworker: “Dude! The zombie apocalypse has started! Haven’t you seen the news?”

Me: “No, I’ve been right here.”

Coworker: “But the store is overrun with zombies! I took a huge risk coming in here for supplies. You haven’t seen any zombies?!”

Me: “No! Just me and the customers.”

(We both stop to look around the store, and at the customers. Now that I am looking a little closer, the customers are walking around with a slightly exaggerated shuffling gait, a little bit more of a blank look than they usually do, and some seem a little less… fleshy than would normally be expected.)

Me: “Huh, I guess the zombies are the customers.”

Coworker: “You mean you’ve been working here surrounded by zombies all night and you didn’t even notice?!”

Me: “It’s the night shift.”

Coworker: “…Yeah, sounds about right.”