Won’t Let The Joke Run Its Course

| Niagara Falls, ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Theme Of The Month

(I’m working the night shift, and my supervisor has asked me to shut most of the sliding doors and start getting ready to close, leaving me to empty the till while he goes to close another attraction. Our policy is not to turn away any customer unless we’ve started closing out the till. Three men, clearly a little drunk, come inside.)

Guy #1: “Can we come in?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’ve just started closing and I can’t sell any more tickets.”

Guy #2: “We’ll be really quick.”

Me: “Unfortunately I’ve already started closing out so I’m actually unable to sell you a ticket, and I can’t let you in for free.”

Guy #1: “Well, what if I RAN PAST YOU?”

(At this point he starts running past my booth, but I just give him a withering glare with one eyebrow raised, a look I’ve perfected for dealing with unruly men at work. He stops in his tracks and backs up slowly to the entrance.)

Guy #1: *dejectedly* “I’m sorry.”

You Can’t Even Picture It

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I am helping someone over the phone with a computer issue they are having.)

Me: “Okay, could you take a print screen shot of the issue and email it as an attachment to us?”

Customer: “Sure.”

(A few minutes pass and the email comes through. The customer had taken a picture of the computer screen with their phone, printed it, taken ANOTHER picture of that, and sent it!)

Must Go To A Happy-Apping Church

| UT, USA | Awesome Customers, Religion, Technology, Top

(I work for a large, nationwide cellphone retailer in their customer service call center. I’m trying to assist a customer with troubleshooting her smartphone which is doing a number of odd things.)

Customer: “The screen freezes, applications crash, it’s going slow, and calls drop. Once the screen goes into sleep mode on a call I can’t get it to come back up, but then I can’t get it to automatically go into sleep mode otherwise. Someone else has to hang up otherwise the phone will just keep going on the call. On top of all that, the camera. OH, THE CAMERA! It will randomly take pictures! I don’t even have to have the camera up! The flash will go off and a picture appears on the screen!”

Me: “Wow… sounds like you need a priest, not a technician.”

Customer: *without skipping a beat* “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS THEE! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS THEE! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS THEE!”

Me: “Thank you… That made my night.”

Customers In Glass Stores Shouldn’t Throw Stones

| Austin, TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Theme Of The Month, Top

(My store is right next to a movie theater in a really rich area. The mall mostly caters to wealthy adults, and as such does not have a food court. My store is the only non-sit down food in the mall. I have just closed down for the night. My store front is glass without blinds.)

Group Of Teenagers: *banging on the windows and doors* “Hey! Let us in! We need cookies!”

(They then proceed to pull on the door and make all sorts of noise. Finally I confront them.)

Me: “My store is closed. You were aware of this and still you banged on the door and nearly set off the alarm. Now you have left marks all over my windows and doors. You will clean them up now, and then you will leave.”

(I hand them paper towels and window cleaner.)

Lead Teenage Boy: “I don’t have to do that! You can’t make me! What’ll happen if I don’t?”

Me: Well, [Lead Teenage Boy], not only do I know your name, as well as where you live, I can ban you from the store and have security escort you from the property. I can also look at the door carefully and if there is damage, file a report with the police department. I guess you forgot that I used to ride your bus, didn’t you?

(They proceeded to clean up the windows and never banged on my doors again. Believe it or not, they were not the only kids whom I made clean the glass.)

Takes A Long Time To Close The Matter

| Raleigh, NC, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month, Time

(I am a waitress. Around seven pm, a couple is seated at one of the two booths in my section. Since our very busy weekend ‘rush’ usually starts around five pm, I knew they would have waited almost an hour to have been seated.)

Me: “What can I get you to drink?”

Customer: “We will have a single glass of wine each, and entrees.”

Me: “Absolutely. Is it a special occasion tonight?”

Customer: “We are a married couple, and this is the first time in six months we’ve seen each other.”

Me: “Oh, my!”

(They were very low-demand, and after they finished the entrees, they lingered over a shared dessert and a pair of coffees. And lingered. And LINGERED.  Around 9:15 pm…)

Customer: “Can we please have the check?”

Me: *thinking ‘finally!’* “Absolutely!”

(The average table turnaround time in our restaurant is 45 minutes. They have already been here over two hours, and since they are taking up one of our four existing smoking tables, my section is still steadily busy well past 9 pm. They don’t put down any form of payment, however. The check folder just lingers in the same spot at the end of their table for hours. By 11:30 pm there are no other customers in the place aside from a few at the central bar. The other closing waitress and I have already cleaned and restocked all the tables in the restaurant, and closed two of the four sections. Our manager sends the other waitress home, so it is me, the bartender, and two line cooks left.)

Me: *making a show of closing down for the evening* “Here, let me refilled your decaf coffees, and just so you know we close at midnight.”

(I try to stay nice, as they seem like a very nice couple, and they gave me the impression that they knew they’d taken up the table far longer than normal customers and would tip me accordingly. Normally, on a Saturday night, that table would’ve turned over at least half a dozen times or more, and be easily worth some $50 in tips. The folder still remains in the same place on their table. When midnight comes…)

Customer: “Just to let you know that the restaurant is now closed.”

(The last of the bar patrons is gone by 12:15 am. Chairs are on top of tables in every section except mine, because it ‘wasn’t our policy’ to do something as impolite as putting chairs on the tables if customers are still in a section. Our manager cruises by their table to remind them once more than we are closed. I vacuum the far sections of the restaurant. 12:45 am rolls around and they are still there, check still untouched. We have now been closed for 45 minutes, and they had now been there nearly six hours. I go back and talk to my manager.)

Me: “All the other sections are closed and cleaned, the side stations are broken down and cleaned, and I just need this long-seated couple to pay so I can go home!”

Manager: “Unfortunately, company policy means we can’t ask them to pay up, so go put the last of the chairs up, and finish your vacuuming, starting with their section. ”

(The minute I click the vacuum on in the smoking section (nearly an hour after we’d closed!) the couple jump in their seats and then started complaining.)

Customer: “How rude! Why haven’t you told us you were closing?! We demand to talk to the manager!”

(I walk back to get our manager, who rolls his eyes at the list of complaints I deliver to him.)

Manager: “Six months apart and the first thing they do is spend six hours here?”

(He walked back out to the section with me and politely listened to the couple rant away, then took their check and knocked the price off of their dessert and wines (worth about $20 all together) before running their credit card. Eyes flashing, and still complaining about how rude the ending to the night had been and saying that they wouldn’t return, the couple left in a huff – finally! – just past 1 am, more than an hour after we had been closed. Needless to say, they only left me $4 on a check that had originally been around $50. My manager assured me that I wasn’t in any kind of trouble, and sent me home for the night once I’d finished vacuuming.)

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