There Is A Meth To This Madness

, | Albuquerque, NM, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Movies & TV, Theme Of The Month, Top, Tourists/Travel

(I live in New Mexico, a state now made famous for ‘Breaking Bad.’ I receive a lot of calls from tourists wanting to see the places where ‘Breaking Bad’ was filmed.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [business name]. My name is [name]; how can I help you?”

Tourist: “Yes, I’d like to find out where Walter White lives.”

Me: “Uh, who?”

Tourist: “Gosh are all you people here stupid? Walter White, the guy who sells meth!”

Me: “Oh, that Walter White. Well, sir, I don’t think you know this but, that’s actually just a TV show. He doesn’t live here.”

Tourist: “NO, YOU’RE LYING! I HEARD FROM A FRIEND THAT IF I COULD MEET HIM, I COULD GET SOME GOOD METH!”

Me: “Okay, sir, well I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. Have a nice day.”

(I hang up, but the tourist calls back within 10 seconds.)

Tourist: “You can’t lie to me; I know you know where he lives! I know you want the good stuff all for yourself.”

Me: “Sir, it’s a TV show; it’s not real. I’m sorry; I don’t know where you can find any drugs, but if you have a problem I can get you a phone number of a company that can help you out.”

Tourist: “NO! I JUST WANT WALTER WHITE’S NUMBER OR ADDRESS! I WANT TO MEET AND TALK WITH HIM!”

Me: “Sir, he’s not real!”

Tourist: “WELL, WHERE DO YOU WORK?! BECAUSE IF HE’S NOT REAL, THEN YOU’RE NOT REAL! AND IF YOU’RE NOT REAL, THEN I GUESS NOTHING IS REAL IN THIS STATE!”

(I go ahead and get my manager and ask him what I should do.)

Tourist: “IS ANYBODY STILL THERE!? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET SERVICE HERE?!”

Manager: “Sorry about that, sir; I can help you. Sir, you have proven to me that you deserve to come in contact with Mr. White. Here’s his phone number and address.”

(My manager gives the tourist the police precinct phone number and address.)

Manager: “Drive here, and wait outside before giving him a call. Make sure to give him a detailed description of what you want, and what you are driving and wearing.”

How To Cancel Death

| USA | Family & Kids, Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers

(I work guest relations for a large hotel chain. One of my duties is to cancel advanced purchase reservations, which have a non-refundable clause.)

Me: “Guest relations, my name is [name]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I want to cancel my reservation.”

Me: “What is the confirmation number?”

(I pull up the account, and run the customer’s membership club information for case history.)

Caller: “Yes. My wife died suddenly, so I cannot make this reservation.”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry to hear about your loss, sir. Let me see what I can do for you. Since this is an advanced purchase, we would need a copy of your wife’s death certificate to verify her passing. I’m so sorry to ask for this.”

Caller: “It will be after the funeral that I can get that to you, but that is after the 24th.”

(The reservation is for the 24th this month.)

Me: “I see. May I place you on hold for a moment while I look into some options with the hotel?”

(After placing him on hold, I review past case history, noticing a lot of cancellations of advanced purchases. One thing seems common. They’re all for wives. All fairly recent, as well.)

Me: “Sir? Yes, thank you for holding. Sir, how many wives do you have?”

Caller: “WHAT!? WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME SUCH A QUESTION!? WHY WOULD YOU DISHONOR MY WIFE!?”

Me: “Well, you see, in looking up your membership information, I see that in the last six months you have cancelled eight advance purchase reservations, all of them stating your wife passed away. So how many wives do you have?”

Caller: “This is absurd! I want your manager!”

Me: “I am a case manager, sir, and I am not going to cancel this reservation, nor ask the hotel to honor a cancellation without you providing a death certificate. If she really has passed, then I certainly apologize and am very sorry for the loss, but unless you have been remarried seven times in the last six months, your wife has either passed away previously, and not suddenly as you claimed. Would you like our mailing address so that you can send in a copy of the death certificate?”

Caller: *hangs up*

Don’t Have Beef With Hinduism

, | Kanpur, India | Food & Drink, Religion, Theme Of The Month, Top, Tourists/Travel

(I’m on a trip to India, and decide to eat at a local McDonald’s. In front of me is a pair of American tourists.)

Tourist #1: *in very bad Hindi* “Yes, I want a Big Mac.”

Cashier: “Sir, I understand English, if you would be more comfortable. So you want a Chicken Maharaja Mac?”

Tourist #2: “I thought you said you knew English? A Big Mac doesn’t have chicken, dumb-a**!”

(Hoping to speed this along, I decide to get involved.)

Me: “None of the McDonald’s in India offer beef. The local version of the Big Mac is made using grilled chicken patties instead. It’s actually pretty good.”

Tourist #1: “Man, who the h*** doesn’t eat beef?”

Me: “About one billion Hindus, most of them in India.”

(They both quietly place their orders, all the time mumbling about ‘pandering to locals.’)

Also Need Some Iron(y) Supplements

| GA, USA | Health & Body

(I am at a store specializing in healthy foods, supplements, vitamins, and such. My friend is carefully browsing through the supplements.)

Employee: “Can I help you with anything?”

Friend: “I don’t think so. I can’t remember what I was looking for.”

Employee: *jokingly* “Wouldn’t it be funny if you were looking for memory aids?”

Friend: *gasps* “THAT’S IT!”

Must Have Coasted Through Her Geography Lessons

| MA, USA | Food & Drink, Geography, Theme Of The Month, Tourists/Travel

(It’s important to note this takes place in Massachusetts, on the east coast of the USA.)

Tourist: “I’d like to get [coffee], and my daughter will have [more complicated coffee].”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be [amount].”

Tourist: “Oh, I left my money in my car. I’ll be back.”

(She leaves, and I am forced to move on to the next customer. Her daughter waits patiently for a good 15-20 minutes. Then her mother returns. She rudely interrupts another customer.)

Tourist: “Um, excuse me, WHY haven’t you made our drinks yet?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, there was a line—”

Tourist: “I was here first! Now make our drinks, and I have to use your bathroom.”

Me: “I’m sorry; we don’t have a bathroom for customers.”

Tourist: “WHEN YOU PAY FOR STUFF IN RESTAURANTS IN NEW JERSEY, WHERE I’M FROM, YOU CAN USE THE F***ING BATHROOM! GOD! This is why I NEVER come to the east coast!”

(The tourist and her daughter depart, much to the dumbfounded disbelief of the customers remaining. I exchange glances with a customer.)

Me: “…doesn’t she know New Jersey is on the east coast?”