Caught Red Quartz Handed

| USA | Liars & Scammers

(I run a precious gems and minerals booth at a trade show. A customer walks up to me and does some looking around first.)

Customer: “Do you buy things?”

Me: “Sometimes. Is it minerals?”

Customer: “Sorta, yeah.”

(The customer takes out a palm sized velvet pouch.)

Customer: “I have a friend that cuts rocks and does things to them. I had him make me a set of ruby quartz flat gems and paint them with gold leaf. They’re kinda rare, and I was hoping to get $90 for them.”

Me: “That depends…”

(I hold out my hand for the bag. Instead he opens it, and pours out a couple of red glass, aka ‘fused quartz’ flat facet gems with runes on them in gold color paint. One has a chip in corner.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but these are in the trade wholesale catalogs in five colors, come with a booklet, and retail for $20. Without the book and damaged, best I could hope to get is $5, so that means I won’t pay you that much.”

Customer: “How dare you! Bad karma ON YOU! My friend spent TWO WEEKS cutting and carving these!”

(I spot another vendor across from me, talking to security.)

Vendor Across From Me: “Yeah, that’s the guy!”

Customer: *Oh, s***!”

(The customer took off, leaving the bag. Security got him before he got out the door. If he had gone all the way around my booth, he would have seen that I have full sets, in all five colors for sale, with the booklet, for less than $20. Bad karma indeed.)

Price-Rise Of The Machines, Part 2

| AZ, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Technology

(A customer is paying for her order at the cash register.)

Manager: “Will that be debit or credit?”

Customer: “Debit.”

Manager: “Would you like to leave a tip?”

Customer: “HOW DARE YOU! If I wanted to leave a tip, I would have left it on the table. That is so rude of you to ask!”

Manager: “No, ma’am, that’s not what I mean. The computer is asking if you want to leave a tip.”

Customer: “Oh, so computers talk now, huh? Just like how the roof talks. And the floors, too. You’re just full of it!”

Related:
Price-Rise Of The Machines

A Welsh of Knowledge, Part 2

| Wales, UK | Geography, Theme Of The Month, Tourists/Travel

Tourist: “Oh, nice! This is a bona fide English castle!”

Me: “Actually, sir, it’s not. Wales is not part of England.”

Tourist: “What? Oh, come on! You both drive on the wrong side of the road; it’s the same! Your capital is London.”

Me: “Er, no, sir. It’s Cardiff.”

Tourist: “Well, but Wales is just a state of England, like Philadelphia in the States.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but England doesn’t have states; it has counties, and Wales is not one of them. We have our own counties. Moreover sir, Philadelphia is a city, not a state.”

Tourist: “Don’t embarrass yourself, kid. You don’t even know about England even though you’re English, so please don’t bring up America; leave it to us.”

Me: “No, sir, I’m not English. I’m Welsh; not quite the same. And Philadelphia is still not a state anyway.”

Tourist: “I’m American! I know what I’m talking about!”

(One of the tourists friends comes over.)

Tourist’s Friend: “I’m sorry for his behavior; you must think all ‘Yanks’ are ignorant.”

Me: “No, not at all. Most ‘Yanks’ that come here are actually very polite and knowledgeable, and they really like Wales.”

Tourist: “You mean England!”

A Welsh Of Knowledge

Doesn’t Make A Lycan Sense

| USA | Books & Reading, Geeks Rule, Pets & Animals

(We get a lot of kids at the library where I work. One of our regular customers, who’s about eight years old, walks up to me.)

Customer: “[My name], I have an important question.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Are werewolves real?”

Me: “Nope, werewolves are made up.”

(He looks taken aback, like that wasn’t the response he was expecting.)

Customer: “What?! But, but wolves are real!”

Me: “Right. But wolves are wolves, and people are people.

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “If you’re born a wolf, you’re a wolf for the rest of your life. If you’re born a person, you’ll stay a person. So since you were born a person, you’ll never turn into a wolf.”

(The customer thinks about this for a minute.)

Customer: “That doesn’t make any sense!”

(The customer walks away, slowly shaking his head.)

Rent Is More Important

, | New York, NY, USA | Crazy Requests, Musical Mayhem

Me: “Good afternoon, ticket central.”

Customer: “Your website is the worst.”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want help.”

Me: “Clearly. Would you like me to help you purchase tickets to a specific show?”

Customer: “Yes. I guess.”

Me: “What play?”

Customer:Belleville.”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am. The entire run of Belleville is sold-out.”

Customer: “No it isn’t.”

Me: “Yes. It is.”

Customer: “Says who?”

Me: “Says me.”

Customer: “I WANT THOSE TICKETS! I WANT THEM NOW!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s nothing I can do. The play is sold-out, and I would suggest that you calm down as tickets to an off-Broadway play aren’t nearly as important as things like a roof over one’s head or food on one’s table.”

Customer: “MAYBE FOR YOU!” *click*