Dairy Drama Queen

| Germany | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I work part-time in the kitchen of a small bistro, where we sell homemade sandwiches amongst other things. We have lots of vegan options since it’s become very popular in our college town, and my boss makes sure all kitchen staff knows exactly what’s in the vegan foods if customers ask. This happens as I spend my day off sitting in the bistro next to the counter doing homework.)

Customer: “You rang up my veggie sandwich as 4€! It says 3.80€ on the tag.”

Server: “I’m sorry, ma’am, you said you wanted the vegan sandwich, not the veggie sandwich. The vegan is 4€. I can change it if you want.”

Customer: “No, I want vegan! Why is vegan more expensive? It has the same vegetables on it!”

Server: *being a new worker, she doesn’t know the entire selection yet* “[My Name]? Do you know why the vegan is more expensive?”

Me: *to the customer* “The vegetarian sandwich has a cream cheese spread from [Local Producer]. The vegan spread is actually made by our kitchen, with tofu instead of cream cheese, and different ingredients than the veggie one.”

Customer: “Hmpf! Well, you should make all your spreads yourself if you want to make sure they’re vegetarian!”

Me: “Ma’am, [Local Producer] ONLY makes vegetarian food. They’re well known for it. Also, if we made all the spreads ourselves, all of the sandwiches would be more expensive.”

Customer: “Whatever. I’ll take the vegan one. Wait! Is it lactose-free?! I’m lactose-intolerant.”

Me: “Vegan always means lactose-free. There’s absolutely no dairy in vegan food.”

Customer: “How would you know?!”

Me: “I work in the kitchen. I made the spread on the sandwich you’re buying. I know exactly what I put into it, and there was no dairy involved.”

Customer: “Well, you’re not at work now! How am I supposed to trust that?!”

No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 7

| Southampton, England, UK | Extra Stupid, Geography

(The shop is just about to close for the day when a customer comes in with a very minor issue, and while I am sorting the problem my colleague has closed the doors. The fix doesn’t take long, and I have just escorted the customer to the door to let him out when he appears to remember a separate issue:)

Customer: “Oh, yes, while I’m here I was wondering if you could take a look at this weird line that keeps showing up when I use my maps app. Now, where was it..?”

(He zooms right out on the maps so the whole world map is virtually visible.)

Customer: “Here we are, you see? Straight through Africa there”

Me: “Uh.. That’s the equator, sir. There’s not much I or anyone else can do about that, I’m afraid.”

Customer: “Well, it definitely wasn’t there before.”

Me: “I think it probably was…”

Related:
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 6
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 5
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 4

Thankless And Helpless

| Lexington, SC, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

(I’m wearing a red polo and khaki pants while walking around a store whose logo looks like a bulls-eye. I notice a woman is kicking a large stereo in a box down the main aisle heading to the registers with her foot and carrying her son in her arms.)

Me: “Can I help you carry that?”

Her: “YES! It’s about time someone offered to help!”

(I am shocked as I pick up the box and follow her to the register.)

Cashier: “Did you find everything all right?”

Her: “No! I called for help for 15 minutes and no one showed up so I had to slide the box along the floor by myself. Then after I’ve been pushing this box for the last 10 minutes, this a***** FINALLY shows up to help!”

Cashier: “Ma’am, he… he doesn’t work here.”

Her: “Of course he does! He’s wearing your uniform!”

Me: “No, I just happen to like the color red.”

Her: “Well, you shouldn’t wear a red polo and khaki pants in [Store]!”

(She stormed out of the store after putting her box in a buggy. I assumed some humility and a thank you would have been asking for too much.)

Never Too Old To Live

| OH, USA | Bizarre

(An old man approaches me. I can’t remember the first thing he said to me because it made absolutely no sense.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, what was that?”

(He puts out his fist to me. I’m unsure what to do for an awkward two seconds, then I put out my fist. He proceeds to fist bump me.)

Old Man: “YOLO.”

(He walks away as I stand there in shock.)

Has The Right Stuff But The Wrong Staff

| CA, USA | Theme Of The Month

(I spend a lot of my free time volunteering with my church ministry, and am often around as much as any of the actual paid staff members, so a lot of people start recognizing my face. However, since I am not on staff, I do not know a lot of information about the ongoing activities until they are announced to the public.)

Staff Member: “Hello, everyone. My name is [Staff Member], and I am [staff position] here at [Church]. Here are the announcements for the week…” *lists off announcements* “…and if you have any questions, you can come and talk to any of our staff members.”

Parishioner: *coming up to me* “So, can you tell me more about this announcement?”

Me: “I’m sorry; I don’t know anything more about this than what was said during the announcements. The staff members know more. They are the ones wearing the big name tags.”

Parishioner: “But you always know what is going on! Why can’t you tell me?”

Me: “Thanks, but no, I really don’t know any more about this than you do.”

(One day I get a call that none of the staff members would be around to make the announcements during the coming weekend’s service, and asked me to take care of it. During the next service:)

Me: “Hello, everyone. My name is [My Name], and I am only pretending to be a staff member at [Church]. Here are the announcements for the week…” *lists off announcements* “…and if you have any questions, you can find me afterwards and I will do my best to continue to impersonate a staff member.”

(It takes a couple minutes for everybody to stop laughing. Amazingly enough that was the last week people came up to me to ask me questions!)

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