Number-Crusher

| Cornelius, OR, USA | At The Checkout, One-Liners, Rude & Risque

(I am 19 and working at the register in the slowest and emptiest part of the store, so I tend to get a lot of creepy people with no one in sight to help me. A customer in his 50s comes up and I ring him up. As I finish the transaction…)

Customer: “So, do you have a boyfriend?”

Me: *laughs, thinking he’s going to be sweet* “No.”

Customer: “Wanna go out some time?”

Me: “Oh, thank you but no.”

Customer: *gets annoyed* “Why not?”

Me: “Um… you’re just a little bit too old for me.”

Customer: “You know, age is just a number in your mind…”

Me: “Yeah, but yours is a REALLY big number…”

Not So Sweet On The Sweet Chili

| Australia | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(I work at a popular sub shop that makes sandwiches in front of customers to their liking. I am serving a woman and everything is fine until we get to the last few steps.)

Me: “And would you like any sauce on that?”

Customer: “Just a little bit of sweet chilli, please.”

(I put one thin line of sweet chilli sauce on her sub.)

Customer: “No, that’s too much!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can wipe some off or remake your sandwich for you if you like.”

Customer: “No! You should have listened to me to begin with! When I ask for a little bit, you don’t drown the thing in sauce! I have a f***ing stomach ulcer. That’s why I can’t have much! Just forget about it!”

(The customer storms off, muttering about how stupid I am and how I ruined her sandwich. I turn to my coworker, who witnessed the entire ordeal.)

Me: “If she has a stomach ulcer maybe she shouldn’t order it to begin with!”

We’ll Sell You One When Guinea Pigs Fly

| Cincinnati, OH, USA | Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals, School, Theme Of The Month

(It’s late August and temperatures have been in the high 90s since 7 am. It’s now nearly 3 pm when I get a call.)

Me: “Hello. Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Do you have any orange and white guinea pigs?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, all our guinea pigs are black but they’re very sweet and personable.”

Customer: “No, it really has to be an orange and white one.”

Me: “May I ask why?”

Customer: “Well, I’m a teacher at [Local Middle School] and I set the class guinea pig outside to clean my classroom this morning. I just checked on him and he’s dead.”

Me: “Sir, you’re telling me you left that guinea pig outside in near 100-degree weather without checking on him, leading him to die of heat stroke, and you want me to sell you another one?”

Customer: “…I’m not getting a guinea pig, am I?”

Repeated Lottery Numbers

, | Australia | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Money

(I’ve been working here for two years and never been jokingly asked for the lotto numbers before.)

Me: “Is there anything else today?”

Customer #1: “The winning lotto numbers?”

Me: “Aha, sir, if I had them I doubt I’d be working here.”

(The customer laughs and walks away. About six hours later I’m serving someone else.)

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer #2: “Oh, yes, I’d also like the winning lotto numbers!”

Me: *pause* “Huh. You know, that’s the second time I’ve been asked that today!”

Customer #2: “Ha, weird. So do you have them?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I gave them to the first guy. It wouldn’t be fair to tell you as well.”

Customer #2: “Touché.”

Baby Boa

| PA, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month

(I work at a pet store in a large shopping mall. We sell pets and supplies. The customer in question is a well dressed woman in her late twenties.)

Customer: “Do you sell rabbits?”

Me: “Not year long; they are a seasonal item.”

Customer: “Do you have any large rats or guinea pigs? I need to feed my snake and it is quite large.”

Me: “Well, we do have some rats. Let me show them to you.”

(I take the customer over to the enclosure with the rats.)

Me: “Will any of these do?”

Customer: “Well they are a little small. I will just buy two of them. The snake is probably really hungry since he escaped for a while and we just found him.”

Me: “I am glad you got him back safe and sound. Was he gone for long?”

Customer: “Yes he was missing for quite a while. In fact, he hasn’t even met the baby yet.”

(I don’t know if it ever occurred to her that a missing snake large enough to eat a full grown rabbit could be a danger to her infant child!)

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