Time To Drop The Dead Donkey

| USA | Right | January 1, 2016

(I used to work at a pet store. One day during my second month on the job, a woman walks in and taps me on the shoulder while I am stocking pet food.)

Woman: “Excuse me, what is your largest size for pet shock collars?”

Me: “Our biggest size is about [collar size].”

Woman: “Would that be large enough to fit a donkey?”

(A nearby coworker of mine heard the conversation and walked over.)

Coworker: “Why do you need a shock collar for a donkey?”

Woman: “My neighbor’s donkey keeps getting into my yard and eating my flowers. I already put an electric fence out, now I just need a collar for the donkey.”

Me: “Can’t you just tell your neighbor that their donkey is eating your flowers?”

Woman: “NO! That’s extremely rude, and besides, my neighbor doesn’t speak English!”

Coworker: “Uhh… okay. We could probably find a size if we saw how big the donkey is.”

Woman: “All right.”

(She uses her phone to show us a picture of a plastic yard decoration that looks like a donkey. This woman is obviously on some kind of medication.)

Me: “Ma’am, that’s a decoration, not a real donkey. Your flowers are probably being eaten by rabbits or insects.”

Woman: “ARE YOU F****** BLIND?! THAT IS CLEARLY A LIVING DONKEY! HOW COULD RABBITS POSSIBLY EAT MY FLOWERS? I CAST A PROTECTIVE SPELL AROUND MY GARDEN!”

Me: “Maybe you should’ve cast a donkey-proof spell…”

DNA Or Pay

| Windsor, ON, Canada | Right | January 1, 2016

(Years ago I was a manager at a mom-and-pop Chinese restaurant. A group of three ladies come in, sit down, and place their orders. Fast forward to when they’ve finished their meals and want their bill:)

Customer: “I want to talk to a manager. There’s a hair in my food!”

Me: *I go to check and see that all three of them have finished their meals* “I’m sorry ma’am, what was wrong with your meal?”

Customer: *shows me a blonde hair* “I found this in my rice! What are you going to do about it?”

(Considering NO ONE on staff has blonde hair and they actually ate everything, I apologize and offer her 50% off her meal, even though I’ve been doing this long enough to see through this scam.)

Customer: “WHAT?! THAT’S IT! We usually get ALL our meals for free!”

Me: “I see you’ve done this before. I’ll tell you what, ma’am. My daughter works as a forensic scientist for the police department. Let me call her to come get this hair and run a DNA test on it. We will compare it to the DNA you’ve left on your coffee cup. If it’s not a match I will give you free lunch every day for life. If it’s a match, we will waste our judicial systems time and we will have you charged with fraud. What will it be, ma’am?”

(They paid in full. And my daughter is not a forensic scientist; she’s a veterinarian technician. I don’t particularly like scammers.)

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Remember, Remember, Any Day In November

| USA | Right | January 1, 2016

(We offer our season subscribers the exclusive ability to exchange their tickets to another performance if something comes up in their schedule. It’s a week before the next show begins and I’m on the phone with a subscriber.)

Me: “Okay, I have your record up. Which performance did you want to exchange?”

Customer: “This one. I want to move it to next Saturday instead.”

Me: *clarifying* “You’d like to change from NEXT Saturday Nov. 7th to the following Saturday Nov. 14th?”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah. I want to move from this Saturday to next Saturday.”

Me: “You actually have next Saturday Nov. 7th already. Are you looking to move to the Saturday after – Nov 14th?”

Customer: “No. I’ve got THIS Saturday. I need to move it.”

Me: “You have next Saturday, Nov 7th.”

Customer: “No. I have THIS Saturday.”

Me: “We don’t have a performance this Saturday, The show begins next Tuesday Nov. 3rd, and you’re scheduled for Saturday Nov. 7th.”

Customer: “Wait, wait, wait… Wait… I… Oh. I have this – I think I wrote it in my calendar wrong. So I have the 7th?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Well, the 7th works fine for me. I have to go somewhere on Halloween, so I thought I had to switch it.”

Me: “So the 7th is fine?”

Customer: “Yeah, looks like I’m all set.”

Me: “Great! We’ll see you then!”

Customer: “Oh! Wait a minute.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Is Halloween on November 7th?”

Me: “…Uh, no.”

Customer: “Okay, then. Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks! Bye!”

Their Financial Advice Is Handicapped

| St Andrews, Scotland, UK | Right | January 1, 2016

(At our golf shop, we get one-off requests all the time. I occasionally get smart remarks about how we’re missing a trick because no one else is selling whatever it is, but generally they give up and go elsewhere pretty quickly. Today, I had a guy with a very specific request…)

Customer: “Hi There! Do you sell headcovers for Vokey wedges?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. We only have the matching headcovers for the clubs we sell.”

Customer: “Do you know what I mean by a Vokey wedge?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m not a golfer, but I do know that we don’t sell them.”

Customer: *proceeds to tell me what this particular golf club is* “…You should get some neoprene and a little bit of soft sock and make some. You could sell them for £10 and make a fortune.”

Me: *at this point I probably have quite a stunned and bemused look on my face* “Oh, right. Well you’re the first person in seven years of working here to ever ask for one.”

Customer: “I’m telling you, you’d make loads selling them online.”

(At this point, he could see I wasn’t about to take him up on his offer and manufacture one on the spot for him.)

Customer: “I had to make my last one myself.” *on that note, he leaves*

(Now I’m not a business wiz, nor an expert in manufacturing, but if it’s such a lucrative opportunity, I was left wondering why he doesn’t take his own advice and make his ‘fortune’.)

Cash Back Attack

| Australia | Right | January 1, 2016

Me: “Hello, just letting you know that our EFTPOS is currently unavailable. Will you be able to pay by cash?”

Customer: “Yeah, no problem.”

(Serves groceries:)

Customer: “May I please have cash out?”

Me: “Umm… What? No, our EFTPOS is down.”

Customer: “Oh, but I have my Mastercard.”

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