Knows How To Rock The Boat

| Lake Oconee, GA, USA | Right | October 14, 2015

(I work at a marina on a lake in a very affluent community. Many of our customers own $200k+ boats. About 30 minutes before closing, a customer pulls up to the fuel tanks in a very nice jet boat.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Marina]!”

Customer: “Hi, can you just fill the tank?”

Me: “Sure.”

(I proceed to fill the tank. Since it is a larger boat, a full tank is 85 gallons.)

Me: “That’ll be $185.65. Would you like to pay cash?”

Customer: “Are you joking? I’m not paying that much for fuel.”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but you asked for a full tank.”

Customer: “Fine, just take the f****** fuel out.”

Me: “Sir, once we pump it in, we can’t just take it out. In fact, we have a sign that says just that.” *points to sign*

Customer: “F*** this s***. I didn’t pay [amount] in slip fees this summer for you to overcharge me. Where is your manager?”

Me: “Wait just one moment, sir. I will call him.”

(We wait several awkward minutes for him to arrive.)

Customer: “This f*** charged me [amount] for a tank of gas, and is now saying that I have to pay it.”

Manager: “So?”

Customer: “So, I demand that you fire this ***** for overcharging me, and give me the tank for free.”

Manager: “Sir, that is how much the tank costs. If you refuse to pay it, I will have to call the police.”

Customer: “F*** no! I ain’t gonna pay it! Good luck getting the police to make me!”

(At this point, the customer started up his engine, revved it up, and drove straight into one of the nicer boats at the marina. He ended up getting arrested and had to sell his boat to pay for the damages to the other boat. Needless to say, we won’t be seeing him around anymore.)

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Declaration Of Independently Sourced

| CT, USA | Right | October 14, 2015

(I’m upstairs at the reference desk, fielding calls and helping patrons.)

Me: “Hello, this is [Library] Reference. Can I help you?”

Patron: “Where can I find the Declaration of Independence?”

Me: “Like the text?”

Patron: “No, like the real thing.”

Me: “Um, we don’t have the real thing, but we have a few copies of the text if that’s something you’re interested in getting? It’s all the same words, I promise.”

Patron: “But, like, do you have the actual paper?”

Me: “No, we don’t have the actual paper.”

Patron: “Where would I get that?”

Me: “In Washington.”

Patron: “Oh.” *hangs up*

Kill Bill

| USA | Right | October 14, 2015

Customer: “Why the h*** is my cable cut off?”

Me: *after checking her account* “Ma’am, upon checking your account, we haven’t received a payment for three months now.”

(We aren’t allowed to tell them they haven’t paid because it is considered rude and accusatory.)

Customer: “WELL THEN, WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME TO LET ME KNOW?”

Me: “Ma’am, we told you by means of your bill. Haven’t you been receiving your bill?”

Customer: *takes a moment before she answers* “Uhm. No. I haven’t.”

Me: “In the case that you haven’t received your bill in three months, you should have called us to tell us. You have been using your service for the three whole months and you didn’t remember that you haven’t received bill in three months?”

Customer: “It is your f****** job to call and inform me to pay the bill!”

Me: *trying to remain calm* “No, ma’am. We remind you about a payment due by means of your bill. It is your duty as a customer to pay for the service you are using. We have almost a million subscribers and it will be impossible to call all of you just to remind you about a payment due.”

Customer: “I’M CHANGING PROVIDERS!” *click*

Because… Math

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Right | October 13, 2015

(The prices of the items are posted in huge numbers on the front of the display counter, impossible to miss. Our boneless chicken breasts are usually quite large, a fact which I always point out to people who are not regular customers.)

Customer: “Can I have some boneless breasts?”

Me: “Sure thing! They’re quite large, about a pound each. How many would you like?”

(The breasts are $5.99/lb, I’m trying to prevent sticker shock.)

Customer: “I’ll take six.”

Me: *bags and weighs six chicken breasts* “Okay, it comes to $36.”

Customer: “What?! Why is it so much?”

Me: “Because six times six is thirty-six.”

His Corn Hasn’t Quite Popped Yet

| NH, USA | Right | October 13, 2015

(I pick up the phone at my work.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Local Movie Theater]. This is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, yes, I was wondering if you guys had a concession stand at your theater?”

Me: “Of course we do.”

Customer: “Well, do you guys sell popcorn there?”

Me: “Y- Yes…?”

Customer: “Okay, thank you. Have a good day.”

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