No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 8

| AZ, USA | Right | September 23, 2015

Me: “Thank you for calling [Credit Card Services]. I’m [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to make a payment.”

(I take payment.)

Customer: “Am I late?”

Me: “Unfortunately, yes. The cut off time is midnight Eastern Time. But I can look into the late fee for you.”

Customer: “YOU GUYS ARE ALWAYS MAKING UP RULES TO SCREW THE CUSTOMER!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I’m in Texas! It’s not midnight where I am!”

Me: “I understand that, but we go by eastern time—”

Customer: “That’s just a made up rule!”

Me: “Sir, time is not a made up rule…”

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No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 7
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 6
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 5

The Cone Of Despair

| Savannah, GA, USA | Right | September 22, 2015

(One of the pumps are blocked off by two orange cones.)

Customer: “Is pump five working?”

Me: “No, sir, it has two cones on it.”

Customer: “Yes, I know but is it working.”

Me: “No, sir. It is out of order hence the cones.”

Customer: “Oh, well, I wasn’t sure because there wasn’t a sign.”

Faker Moaning About Faking

| Devon, England, UK | Right | September 22, 2015

(I use a wheelchair. The shop has customer wheelchairs marked very clearly with the name of the centre the shop is in. I’m supposed to be working on tills, but due to being short staffed, I’m helping out with stacking the shelves.)

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “I was wondering if I could use that wheelchair?”

(I assume she meant a wheelchair, rather than the one I’m currently sitting in.)

Me: “Of course. If you head over to the door, the security guy there can get one for you.”

Customer: “You want me to walk over?”

Me: “I’ll go and ask him. Feel free to take a seat, if it’s more comfortable for you.”

Customer: “No, it’s fine, thanks. I guess I’ll go ask myself. I mean, if I have to use one of those ugly things.”

Me: “Yeah, they’re not the best are they? But it’s really no trouble for me to go over there, if you want me to.”

(The customer shakes her head, and sits on one of the stacking stools, Maybe ten minutes later, she’s still sitting there, and all I’ve got left to shelve are things that are usually way above my head. Since I’m having a pretty good day, I figure what the hell, and start standing for short periods of time so shelve the lighter stuff, something I’m more than capable of doing.)

Customer: “How dare you!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “How dare you sit around in that chair all day, and then start standing up with boxes just like anyone else? People like you make my life so much harder, you know that?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what—”

Customer: “I have an invisible disability. People like you who go around faking for sympathy and making everyone think I’m a faker too.”

Me: “I have an invisible disability. Hence the chair.”

Customer: “Well, then you shouldn’t be standing up, should you?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but… you walked into the shop.”

Customer: “I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

Me: “You don’t?”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager.”

(I radioed my manager over. She took a while to get there, so I carried on shelving. While I’m standing up, and my back is turned, the customer took my wheelchair and vanished off into the shop. At a loss for what to do, I took the stool she vacated and waited for my manager to show up, while the security guy at the door – visible from my aisle – took off after the woman. I sat there for almost an hour until security finally tracked the woman down in another shop in the centre. They tried for a while to get her to give my chair back, all while she accused them of discrimination, saying they think she’s an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a centre chair and mine because she’s disabled. Eventually, once security had radioed police, she gave it back. She was still sitting on the floor, yelling about fakers ruining her life, when the police arrived.)

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Flea To The Devil

| SC, USA | Right | September 22, 2015

(I am an assistant manager of an extremely popular supermarket. A middle-aged woman stops me as I pass the pet department.)

Customer: “Hey! You! I need some help.”

Me: “Sure thing, ma’am. I’m off the clock right now but I’ll see what I can do.”

Customer: “Tell me if this will work on puppies.” *thrusts box of flea medicine at my chest*

Me: “Well, it depends on the weight and age of the puppies. What breed are they?”

Customer: “Oh, my god! I don’t know! Some mutt my daughter found! I made her put it in the shed and it had puppies!”

Me: “Okay, not a problem. How old are they?”

Customer: “Three days.”

Me: “Wait, come again?”

Customer: “Are you deaf?! I said three days!”

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t put flea medicine, especially medicine for a dog ten pounds or heavier, on a puppy that’s three days old.”

Customer: “And why the h*** not!? I don’t want them getting fleas. Then they’d be all over my shed!”

Me: “Wait, they don’t even have fleas?”

Customer: “NO! You’re such an idiot!” *grabs the box back from him* “They’re at my house and I’ll put whatever I want on them!”

Me: *somewhat frantically* “Ma’am, they’ll die.”

Customer: “GOOD! I want those f****** ugly dogs dead! Those mutt, mix-breed dogs are a sin and will go to hell! I have a purebred Yorkshire Terrier and can’t risk having fleas in MY shed! I’m calling corporate about you trying to tell me what to do!”

(She then grabbed a second box and stormed out of the aisle, shouting about “mix-breeds are the devil’s work.”)

Playing Hardball On Software

, | Victorville, CA, USA | Right | September 22, 2015

Customer: “So how much is the hard drive?”

Me: “For that size, $99.95”

Customer: “And how much is Windows?”

Me: “For Vista Home Premium, $99.95.”

Customer: “And how much do you charge to install it?”

Me: “$99.95, which would be the drive in the machine, full Windows install, with drivers.”

Customer: “Okay, so how much is the total.”

Me: “Well, it is roughly $300 but there will be some tax.”

Customer: “That’s wrong!”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You can’t even add!”

Me: “Um, well, I rounded to $100 and 3 times $100 is $300. Like I said, it is roughly that.”

Customer: “No, no, no. It is ROUGHLY $200!”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Windows is free!”

Me: “No, sir. It is not. If we sell you a license it is $99.95 plus tax.”

Customer: “I don’t need a license for Windows!”

Me: “Oh! You have a license with the sticker?”

Customer: “Sticker?”

Me: “Yes, like this one,” showed the Windows packaging with the license tag to the customer.

Customer: “No, mine is not like that.”

Me: “Well, it might be a little different color, but all the new tags for Vista look like this.”

Customer: “Mine is for XP.”

Me: “Oh. OK, well, I can install the XP if you have the sticker. Then it would be the $199.90 plus tax.”

Customer: “It is not a sticker.”

Me: “You don’t have a sticker?”

Customer: “No! Nobody has a sticker. Windows is free.”

Me: “No, sir. It is not. We buy Windows and resell it. Trust me, it is not free.”

Customer: “Yes, it is!”

Me: “No, sir. Even when you buy a computer with Windows, you are paying for it.”

Customer: “You don’t have a clue what you are talking about. I have Windows and I got it for free!”

Me: “Sir, I know of no legal way to do that.

Customer: “My friend gave it to me.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “My friend, he works for the county. He gave me Windows XP Pro for free. He told me you can install it as many times as you want.”

Me: “Um, that is a crime.”

Customer: “No, it isn’t!”

Me: “Sir, we are an authorized Microsoft reseller. We deal with the company all the time. We know what their corporate licenses cost and say. Distributing them for free outside the corporation is illegal.”

Customer: “You must be a real idiot!”

Me: “For what, sir? Knowing the law?”

Customer: “No! I told you, it is not illegal so you don’t know law. And! My friend does not work for a corporation! He works for the county!”

Me: “Sir, the license the county bought is still the corporate license.”

Customer: “No, it isn’t!”

Me: “Then why does it say Pro Edition and not Government Edition?”

Customer: “Well, that doesn’t matter.”

Me: “Sir, either way, I can not legally install a version you do not have a valid license tag for.”

Customer: “Yes, you can.”

Me: “OK, yes, if I wanted to risk prison, fines, and losing [Company] its reseller agreement with Microsoft, I could do it. But I am not going to risk any of those things. It is simply not worth it.”

Customer: “Well then, how much is Windows.”

Me: “$99.95.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “No what?”

Customer: “$99.95 was the price of the drive.”

Me: “They are both $99.95.”

Customer: “So it is $99.95 for a drive with Windows? Why didn’t you say that before!”

Me: “No, no. You misunderstood. I mean that they are each $99.95. If you bought the drive it would be $99.95. If you bought Windows it would be $99.95. If you buy both it is $199.90.”

Customer: “That does not make any sense!”

Me: “It is like parts for a car. They are separate parts but they happen to have the same price.”

Customer: “What? What the hell does that mean?”

Me: “Sir? It is an analogy. I am trying to make this clearer for you.”

Customer: “Well, you don’t know how to explain f*****g anything! Of course parts for a car can have the same price. But this is not parts for a car! It is a drive and Windows, and Windows does not exist! So it is FREE!”

Me: “No, sir. It does exist. It is not like a battery or a tire. It is more like the gas that makes it all go!”

Customer: “What the f*** are you saying now?!”

Me: “Windows powers a computer.”

Customer: “Idiot! Electricity powers a computer!”

Me: “Sir, I mean it makes all the parts work together so you can use them.”

Customer: “You don’t know how to explain s***. You don’t know s***! How the f*** can you get away with ripping people off and charging $100 to install Windows, which does NOT exist, and stealing another $100 for the Windows! Explain that to me!”

Me: “Sir, it takes a several hours to install Windows, the updates, drivers, and so on. The labor charge is actually cheaper than it would be if we charged hourly. We discount the install because about half of it is waiting time. As for the Windows itself, I already explained that we buy those licenses from Microsoft and resell them to customers. It would be a bad business practice for us to sell it for less than the price.”

Customer: “Well, f*** this!”

Me: “Thank you, sir!”

(A few weeks later he comes back and my manager is there. We have almost the same argument. But this time some new information comes out:)

Me: “Sir, I said last time that we can’t install your illegal copy!”

Customer: “It isn’t illegal! My friend works for the county and he gave it to me!”

Me: “Try asking your friend’s boss about it.”

Manager: “Sir, if he installed an illegal copy, which yours is, I would fire him.”

Customer: “Well, then, if I buy just a drive, will it install properly on it?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “Well, I installed the copy my friend gave me and now the computer is all messed up. It won’t get on the Internet, the icons are huge, and the colors are all messed up.”

Me: “You need to install the drivers, sir.”

Customer: “What the h*** are drivers?”

Me: “Software.”

Manager: “So they don’t exist. Like Windows.”

Customer: “What the h***?!”

Manager: “If you don’t know what you are doing, you won’t be able to do it. That is what we charge the $99.95 for.”

Customer: “Well then, will you install drivers on mine?”

Me: “Sure.”

Manager: “But…”

Me: “Bring in a machine with a legal Windows license and we will gladly install drivers on it.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “Sir, we are risking our business license, our Microsoft contract, and more if we work on stolen merchandise. We just don’t do it!”

Customer: “It is not stolen!”

Manager: “Your friend stole it. They gave it to you, but they stole it.”

Customer: “They would never do that! My friend is not a thief!”

Manager: “Yes, they are! Don’t believe me? Give me their name and what county department they work for.”

Customer: “F*** you! I’m leaving!”

Me: “Good luck with your computer.”

Customer: “F*** you, too! I’m going to get my computer working and get my Office running again, which is what I needed in the first place so I can finish this document!”

Me: *to manager as guy storms out* “Wait… did he trash his system to fix Office?”

Manager: “I hope so.”

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